Posted in Life, Sex

When do we want it? NOW How do we want it? IT DEPENDS


1) You don’t get to have an opinion on what other people like unless you’re the one expected to please them. 

2) There’s some language in here.  Naughty language.  It may disgust you.  It may turn you on.  Just smile and nod.


I wanted to do a quick comparative survey about what women like and don’t like in the bedroom.  I asked for five women to share their thoughts candidly.  I knew with the people I know, this wouldn’t be a problem.  

I was going to try to draw some conclusions, but then I realized something.  Sometimes it’s best to allow words to stand on their own.  Plus, the people I asked have really big mouths and like to talk.  A lot.   So I thought I’d share the questions and many of the actual answers, then punch you in the face with an observation or two. Bottom line is that these women can speak for themselves, and I’m thrilled that they did.  

What is your current fave sex position and has it always been that or has it changed with different partners?

Missionary (5)
Take her from behind (3)
She’s on top (2)
Side Sex (2)

“Missionary, with him on top. I’ve only had two partners, and I’ve been with hubby almost 20 years, but…I’m a creature of habit.”

“Missionary, because I’m lazy.  Or I like to be comfortable.  Or both.”

“Love missionary with my current boyfriend because we have really intense eye contact and junk.  However, for raw pleasure – doggie.”

 “My favorite with him is missionary, kind of.  I like looking at him, feeling him on top of me while he’s deep inside.  I mean, doggy is awesome, too. So maybe that’s my favorite.  I know before him, I’d go with face down, ass up. So this is definitely different.”

“It’s a toss-up, but though it sounds “vanilla”, the favorite has to be missionary. Why? I can reach (almost) ALL THE THINGS! And so can he (almost). Plus, there is the aural stimulation (“sounds” for those with slim vocabulary) and the fact that anatomy just makes it better with that approach.”

“Me lying prone on belly, man entering from rear, lying on top (perfect aim on Gspot).”

 From behind…. Penetration is deeper, however I’m fond of being on top when I just want to get off because I can control the friction and penis angle better….It’s all about me.”

“Current fave position is doggy style. It hasn’t always been that way, just with this particular partner. He has a Prince Albert and yes, the rumors are true. It’s mind-altering.”

“Different partners definitely make all the difference. One of my favorite moments was crazy sex up against a wall, but that is completely unrealistic. Across the board I have to say I like being on top because I know I can reach orgasm quickly.”

“Being on top has always been my favorite.  I like being in control.”

“I’m not sure of the “name”, per se…on my side. He straddles bottom leg. Top leg up on his shoulder or the crook of his elbow. No change with partners… but, I’m down to try!”

“Me on my back, him lower than me on his side. Almost like a scissors. Didn’t know about this position until my husband.”


What do you think of things that inflict a little bit of pain, such as hair pulling, biting, spanking, choking, etc? 

The majority of women who responded like these things to some degree.  Make sure you have that conversation with her before you try anything.

Pain is pleasure and I, personally, enjoy him pushing me to the point where the two merge. Although, I do feel like there are different categories that these things fit into. Hair pulling, biting, and spanking are very possessive moves, and who doesn’t like their man to be possessive of them once in a while? Choking really fits somewhere else, though. Choking and blindfolding cut off certain senses. That heightens the others, making sex more pleasurable. for me, anyway.”

“I LOVE the endorphin release. As long as it’s done as part of sex and not true punishment or emotional abuse. I’ve enjoyed everything from spanks (not my fave, to flogging and the best is called ‘drumming’… using drumsticks on body parts rhythmically to music while bound.”

“No choking!!! A warm mouth nibbling on my very sensitive nipples is the quickest way to arouse me….The more vigorous the penetration, the more vigorous he can bite….Guarantee to cum! An ass slap or two ain’t bad too.

” I’m totally for it, within reason.  A little biting, spanking or hair pulling is very sexy, but when it gets to aggressive or overly painful, it’s distracting and no longer fun.  Never was into the choking thing.  Don’t get it.”

“I don’t mind a little hair pulling or an occasional ass smack but I’m really not into the pain part of sex. I think if it hurts you’re doing it wrong.

“I   like a little with my current guy but hated it before from emotionally abusive men. We have total trust and he’s so loving I know it’s just a game. Before I would have punched someone.”

“Yes and yes! I like being dominated although I am definite not a submissive…I like having that power taken from me forcibly. I love being spanked while bent over with my head wrenched back by my hair. Having the hand print last for a while is a hilarious joke in my house. I love having my hair pulled, being choked, and I’m a definite biter. One of my first sexual partners loved playing with wax and that introduction to pain has definitely stayed with me.”

 “Some pain is okay, but decades of abuse have had me drawing a line when it comes to overly rough hair-pulling (neck injury) and a hand on my neck makes me want to punch someone in the face – so that’s out. Self-preservation is a serious motivator even when you are certain you can trust the other person. Biting can be fun, but I’ve honestly never cared for hickies, so if teeth marks are left, I’d be one unhappy camper. As it is, I got rug burn on my nipples once. ONCE being the key word.”

 “Not really into too much pain. I don’t mind a little smack or pull here and there, but gentle smacks and pulls”

“All of it, within reason.  There needs to be an understanding and some verbalization of what I want in the moment.  I don’t want blood.  Marks are OK, to a degree and that’s really dependent upon the person I’m with. I don’t want to be in horrible pain, so he’s got to figure out where the pleasure from it stops and the uncomfortableness begins.  That’s my job to tell him.  But yeah, certain moments call for certain things and generally, I’ll ask for what I need in the moment.  Even if it’s a sweet saxophone solo. Choking is in a different genre all together for me.  There are only a couple of people I have ever truly enjoyed that with, and those people earned my trust long before I ever tried.  Now, I’m not about the whole cutting off my air supply, but go ahead and wrap your hand around my throat and maybe just squeeze a little.  I’ll lean into it if I want it harder.”

“I actually love the little bit of pain. We do the handcuffs and tying down and I love it!”

“I enjoy slightly “rough” sex. All of the above… firm but not over the top. Marks are ok… that go away after an hour or three… blood, is not… ( trying to keep a nipple on, with a bandaid, I drew the line)


What’s more important – length, girth, or skill?

Bottom line:  We don’t want an imprint of your dick on our cervix.  We just wanna be happy.

Skill (5)
Girth (3)
These ladies can’t follow directions (3)

“Skill for sure.”

“Skill, followed by girth. Length always has me concerned about a painful beating of my cervix. You know what’s not fun? Having your cervix pounded on.”

“Skill but gotta have a little girth. If I can’t feel it skill doesn’t matter.”

“Only one? Ok, I’m going with skill.”

 “That depends on whether we’re talking normal or extremes.  I’ve had experience with some pretty big ones, and size (length or girth) is no substitute for skill.  I’ll take average size with skill every time”

“I prefer girth, but skill really matters most in achieving an O.”

“I’ve had pretty large dicks.  I’ve had some small ones.  There’s such a thing as too big and there’s definitely too small.  I’d rather have girth over length.  I like feeling full.  I like knowing he’s in me and really feeling it. I can make shit happen if he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing, so skill is not necessary for mind blowing sex, I don’t require it to get off.”

“Girth and skill run a close tie for me. If I had to absolutely choose one over the other, I’d choose girth. Seriously, if the skill isn’t there, all he really has to do is lie still and let me do the work. Length isn’t as important to me because I’m not fond of bruises on my cervix.”

This question is difficult. My last ex boyfriend lacked in a 3 areas, thank God with practice and instructions he became good in bed despite a small dick. However the last guy I slept with was so big that he constantly hit my cervix. If that’s never happened to you just a heads up that it is fucking painful. I was sore for three days after that romp session. Needless to say I’m not doing that again.”
“I’ve always said size matters!!!! Skill can be taught….If it don’t fit for a particular female sex won’t be enjoyable, size is then subjective….But really a needle dick doesn’t do anyone any good.”

“Yes to all. I’ve had “sex” with a few guys who essentially had a thumb for a dick…no amount of skill could salvage that. It was a mystery as to whether there was actual penetration. I am an avid practitioner of my kegels, so my vagina is high-school-tight, but sex with them was hopeless. On the flip side, I’ve had sex with guys who hung to their knees….that was freaking complicated. My two biggest both had amazing skills to go with their size….one is still my primary spank-bank go to. It took a ton of time to ease down onto him it was so freaking thick. It also hit my spleen which meant things had to move slowly…otherwise ouch! He also lasted for hours…Im not kidding. I could never have had a relationship with that man, but I could have fucked him constantly.

“Hmmm…that’s a tough one. Obviously all 3 are important. All 3 are ideal, you BETTER have one! But, I guess I’d say length. Then skill. Then girth. I think…”

Tell me one thing you wish your current partner wouldn’t do in bed anymore. If there isn’t anything, tell me one thing you’d like them to do differently.

This can’t be summarized.  Really.  Just read.  

Maybe he could be a little rougher at times.  Maybe talk dirty more.  It really depends on the moment.  There’s nothing he does that I’m not cool with. I would just like it turned up to 11.  Also, I swallow his cum, so he shouldn’t be afraid to lick my pussy when he’s done, just in case I’m not done.  I’m pretty good at vocalizing what it is I want, but I guess overall, I’d like him to just own me in bed.”

“I’m not with any one person at the moment so I’m going to generalize this answer. I wish men would understand the importance of foreplay. It isn’t a race to fuck. If you try before I’m ready it will probably be the last time I sleep with him. Also most men need to learn how to properly go down on a woman, I think this is where porn hurts men. They watch it and think that’s how it’s done…NO, just no! Despite me not caring much for my ex husband that man could eat pussy like a champ!! I miss him for that reason alone sometimes. “

 “Actually, this talk just came up between us the other week. I NEED aural signals, moaning, groaning, etc. For 20 years it’s been near-silence. So, I spoke up and said “Hey, we’ve talked about this before, but I really need this to happen.” Funny thing, when I asked for what I needed – he asked for what he needed (verbal or physical cues that sex was a great idea).”

“He likes me to spit in his mouth.  I’ve never asked why.  It’s kind of gross. “

” I don’t think there is anything that I wish he wouldn’t do anymore, but I do wish that he wouldn’t be quite so gentle when he’s giving me oral. The light licks are great sometimes, but other times a girl just needs her man to strap her to his face and sing the national anthem.”

“I never like being called derogatory names… like whore, etc.”

“We try to change it up a bit, no latex fettishes or hard core bondage….I do have a pair of handcuffs that I can’t wait to try on him….The whole control thing again. Hubby could caress my body more, I like to feel the gentleness of being intimate.”

“When he sometimes touches my butt he moves his hands real fast like a vibrator. It’s annoying.”

“We have been together for 15 years…we are officially boring. If anything it would be to dominate me sexually more often. When he does that it is glorious. Sometimes I really want and need to be treated like a dirty whore. The other item is probably never going to happen because I don’t see having multiple partners as an option. I miss having sex with women and multiple people, so I’ll just have to keep those in my masturbation fantasies.”

“Try to talk dirty because it’s forced and once I cum can you please cum already because I want to go to sleep.”

“There is nothing he wouldn’t do, we’ll unless I tried to poke him with a strap on, I imagine.”

“Get up and wash up IMMEDIATELY after. Makes me feel like I’m gross.”

In a perfect world, how often would you have sex?

1-2/week (2.5)

3-4/week (4)

5+ times/week (5.5)

“To be fair, both of us are very quite, very even-keeled individuals – 1-2 times a week would be enough.”

“I’m more of a 2x a week gal, but if it was up to my hubby it would be daily.”

 2-3 times a week 

3-4 x week.

3-4 times a week, maybe more.

At my age now, 3-4 times a week.

4 to 5 times per week.  Often, I guess, but every day isn’t really necessary.

At least once or twice a day. I hit 40 and discovered I’m in my prime…sadly I’m single so I don’t get it as often as I’d like!

In a perfect world, with this man, I’d have sex daily, at the very least. His cock is like a drug. Maybe he coats it with heroin. Either way, I’m hooked on it 

Once a day, at least. 

 EVERY DAY! At least once a day. 

In a perfect fantasy world…several times a day with several partners. Being a parent is a buzz kill on sexuality…limited privacy, the insane stress…sex and desire have been squashed significantly.


Do you have sex toys? If no, why not? If yes, do you use them alone, with your partner or a combination of both?

All of the yesses!!!  Guys, you really need to be playing with your partner.
I mean, a lot.  

“Yes and currently alone (tho enjoy both, especially double dildos)”

“I do have a few vibrators. More often than not I use them alone but on occasion I’ll use them with someone.”

“Yes. I usually only use them during sex with others. I will occasionally use them solo, but that tends to be when he’s is away for long periods of time and I need to feel the sensation of penetration. Clitoral orgasm are easy to reach solo and I don’t have to remember to wash and put a toy away before the kiddo walks in. I also like using toys with others because it brings back memories of sex with girlfriends and a few freaky nights with lots of partners.”

“YES YES and YES….I’m currently in the market for a new dildo, broke the motor in it, he he he….Enjoy using it as a couple, hubby likes to visualize penetration and my cum spraying, yes spaying out of my vagina…These are multiple orgasms and I’m zapped afterwards.”

“Vibrators.  Both.”

“One. Don’t use alone. Just not that into them. Rather have hands.”

” Yes, yes, and yes.”

“I  have an entire drawer of my dresser dedicated to sex toys. He and I use them together, and I use them alone when he’s not around. Sometimes, if I’m craving him and I know I can pull him away from whatever he’s doing instead of me, I’ll send him pictures or video of these solo sessions. #tipsonhowtokeephimleaking”

“Yes, mostly with self, but also with partner.”

“I have several dildos and vibrators I use them alone a lot.  I’ve used them with partners in the past, and actually enjoy them much more that way.  Something about a guy controlling a vibrator for me just does it for me. And if he blindfolds me so I don’t know what’s coming (besides me) then it’s even better.  I have a bunch of other toys as well, and those are definitely partner toys.”

“Yes, and both.”

“Yes. Combo.”  


Describe your perfect sex scenairo 

Read as real women tell you what they really want. 

“It depends on mood. sometimes I am seeking endorphins, so getting them faster is best. But other times, I crave intimacy, and then it’s best to have very loving foreplay until you just can’t handle not shoving that glorious cock inside and thrusting it until screaming commences.”

“Foreplay?  What’s that?  Just fuck me already.Kidding….I am a freak for kissing and love, love, love to make out for a bit (5 minutes?)  Perfect sex includes a mutual tongue bath and exploration with lips and tongues and hands.  If we’re in for the long haul, that can last 30 minutes with us playing with each other.  Mutual oral, salad tossing, it’s all fair game, depending on how much time we have.  One of us eventually climbs on top of the other, and we swap at least once before we finish.  Generally, foreplay is about 30 minutes, sex about 30.  But it is a fairly new relationship…”

“Chemistry, eye contact, lots of touching, bout 10-15 mins of foreplay, couple 2, 3 positions, lots of dirty talk.?

“Best sex? It’s a combination of two people naked intertwined, lingering kisses, gentle foreplay, no penetration yet….Build the heat,. Oral sex first (in the middle and at the end) I like to tease his penis and balls before taking his cock into my mouth and simultaneously stroking his balls…Me next, no 69 tho, not my favorite position, I love, love, love to be finger fucked….Cum all over hands…I’m getting hot typing about it…Mission style penetration, switch to all fours and take me hard from behind…In the end kiss my cunt and make me cum one more time. There was a time I would enjoy 2-3 hours of sex, but now I’m good after an hour with the occasional marathon.”

“I used to think I knew the answer to that question. I’d have said a workdays worth of teasing and flirting and building that sexual tension, then 15-20 mins of foreplay. 15-20 mins of sex, and then intimate conversation between the sheets until we both passed out. But that answer has changed for me with this man. Spontaneous, unplanned, and raw have become my preference. When he surprises me at my office after hours and bends me over my own desk. When we’re out and he pushes me behind the dumpster and pulls my panties to the side. When he calls in the middle of the night and tells me to meet him at the hotel up the street. There is so much passion in these moments that it makes sex with him otherworldly for me.”

“Kiss/make out for a bit… either carried to the bed or if it’s right here,right now, pushed back ( I like a man who takes control, in bed) gone down on to completion ( I don’t orgasm during just sex) then multiple positions. This all should last at least 45 min.  Or longer.”

“You know those memes that show a computer screen with 3 or 4 dozen tabs open in a browser that are all different and there is no topic alike? That’s my mind. My partner’s mind as a few tabs open, but they all go together and focus on a singular topic. We’ve been together for a couple decades now, and I’ve figured out a few tricks. One, you need to find a quiet moment to mention that IF they are up for sex later, you know…. you would be too. Two, with neither of us being great initiators, the one giving the heads-up tends to start the playful banter, touching, teasing that sets things off. As for how long everything should last? Who knows! I’ve honestly never kept track. We could both be done in minutes or there have been times where it’s been hours. Who needs the pressure of a stopwatch? Each time is different. And honestly, as a woman, I admit there are times I don’t climax, but, it happens. I don’t dwell on it because I still had a good time. But, my PERFECT session? In a shower.  It’s hot, it’s steamy, we’re both relaxed. It’s sensual with the soaping up….”

“Perfect sex session would definitely involve multiple partners. There is something completely freeing about that situation…it is all about the pleasure, both giving and receiving. It is so damn relaxing and the best of both worlds because sex with a woman is the ultimate kind of foreplay, but you’re still able to enjoy penetration. Utilitarian sex is no foreplay and one position….and that’s great for a lunch break, but there should always be time for lots of oral (giving and receiving).”

 “15 min foreplay, 8 minutes of sex, a couple different positions.”

“It should start out in public with just some light touching, maybe a kiss here and there, a little whisper of what’s to come.  Then I’d like to get home and have him lick my pussy until I cum a couple of times.  Then, I’m going down on him.  69 is a confusing position.  Then, we should have actual sex.  There’s no one right way, but I want it to last as long as possible, without either of us hurting ourselves.  30 – 45 minutes of varying rates, rhythms, and depths are just about perfect.  I want to be tired, but not too sore to do it again.”

“A perfect session would be me giving him a bj, him tying me up and giving me oral, then two different positions for sex.”

“Tough question!!! It really depends on my mood, I don’t think there should be time limits. I like being the main focus, it’s a turn on. I love having my him explore his body with his mouth, tongue, and hands. Good foreplay should get me to the point where I am begging to be fucked. He also needs to make sure I’ve gotten off at least once…you’d be surprised by how that seems to blow a man’s mind that yes I need to get off too!”

Now, tell me a rough % of the time that you actually get what you just described 

This one I have something to say.  I know which percentages match with the descriptions and no, they aren’t in order.  The thing is this:  I’m pretty sure many of these ladies misunderstood the question.  I’m willing to bet the lower % ones are more accurate, because I was asking how often you get that perfect scenario, not how often you have amazing sex.  I could be wrong.  I’m going to guess most of us are on the 0-5% of the time range for the perfect scenario

“I get fast endorphins all the time (90%) but the other is few and far between now… sigh.”

“Once every couple of months…. In-between, it’s pretty close probably 70% of the time.”


“I get it every time. 3-4x/week.”

“Oh, fuck… 5%?”

“Multiple partners…never. Great sex…regularly. John loves giving me oral and we rarely have sex where we don’t use 2-3 positions. That whole parenthood trap makes it difficult, but we muddle through.”

“As for a % on how much I actually get the above things, I’d say it’s about 75% of the time. The rest if the time is the standard, slow lovemaking that we all need in order to show our partner how we feel when words aren’t enough.”

“How often do I actually get that? A half dozen times a year, perhaps… but, with a too small water heater, the hot water runs out! We’re working on that, though! :P”

“Almost 100% of the time.” 

“If I’m being honest, it’s close to that only about 5% of the time.  Just because of time issues and the like.  Most people can’t have their ideal scenario every time.  Not even most times.  Doesn’t mean it’s not great sex.”

“I would say 90% of the time. I’m pretty vocal, if you’re doing it wrong I will let you know. Life is too short for bad sex or to have a lazy self centered man in bed.”

So you see, we’re all different.  I can’t make any generalizations.  I can’t even say the married people are all boring, because that’s not true at all.  The only generalization I can make is that you should really communicate with each other or you’re not having great sex, pretty much ever.  

I think we should ask the guys these same questions.  I’d like to see their answers.  Maybe that’ll be a project for next week and then we can compare.  


Posted in Life, Sex

Equal O(pportunity)

We need to have a very serious talk about gender inequality in a very specific area.  Sure, I can talk about it being OK to pay for men to get a hard on via Viagra, but balking at a woman’s right to affordable birth control (which we got via the ACA but that may be leaving us soon).  I could talk about the wage gap, because we all know that the trend is for women to make less than men in the same position.  That’s really not a myth.  But this isn’t my concern today.  I can’t fix either of those things.  But there is one gender gap that I can fix, if people would just listen to me.

Here is the terrifying thing that we need to fix right now:  “All groups of men — gay, bisexual, heterosexual — orgasm more than all groups of women…”1  Come again?  EXACTLY. How the fuck do we fix this?  The answers lie not only in the data collected, but in some basic truths.  Let’s start with the obvious and go from there, shall we?

1. It is less likely that a woman will have an orgasm from penetration than from clitoral stimulation or the two combined. This is nothing new.  In order to have a vaginal orgasm, several things need to happen.  The biggest is the guy needs to find that magical spot way up in there and be sure he’s hitting it. The hard part (no, it isn’t your dick, guys) is that it’s not in the same spot in every woman.  So just because Bobbie-Jean from high school could cum every time you stuck it in her, Betty from accounting might not.  Her sweet spot may be to the left, where BJ’s was to the right.  It may be deeper.  It may be farther forward.
This is physiology, not rocket science.  Get down there with your fingers and find out where it is.  Take the time.  Ask the questions.  Come to the realization that your junk may not be physically capable of hitting it.  This isn’t the end of the world and doesn’t mean that CPAs don’t get to have orgasms. Try different positions:  woman on top, doggy style, missionary, reverse cowgirl.  Throw her legs over your shoulders and see if that helps.  Know where her G-Spot is and use your basic knowledge of geometry to figure out what you can do, if anything to reach it.  And most of you thought you’d never use that information again once you were done with school.

And if it is physically impossible for your shit to line up with hers, don’t forget that she can also have a clitoral orgasm, while you’re all up in here, but one of you has to give it some attention.
Now, I’m not solely blaming the guys, because that’s not right or fair. This brings me to my next point.

2.  Ladies need to stop faking it. If someone cooks you a meal and there are mushrooms in it and you get physically ill at the thought of fungus in your mouth, are you going to tell them it’s the greatest meal ever? If you do, they’re just going to make it for you over and over again.  They’re going to figure that you LOVE mushrooms, so everything they cook you might have mushrooms in it from that point forward.  And this is your fault, because you gave the chef the impression that you loved every last bit of it.

Now, if you’re me, what you’d do is pick out the mushrooms, push them to the side, and explain that there’s no way you’re putting that shit in your mouth.  You can still really appreciate the fact that they cooked for you at all, but you need to make it clear that you don’t like mushrooms.  How difficult is that?

It’s the same exact thing when you’re getting laid, felt up, licked, whatever.  If you make all of the noises and wiggle around and otherwise indicate that it was a job well done, your partner is going to get the impression that everything was done perfectly and it’s just going to be the same thing over and over again.  You’re never going to be satisfied fully, yet your partner is going to be walking around thinking they are the greatest thing since sliced bread – or that big cucumber you bought last week for 79 cents.

If you think that women don’t really fake orgasms and your evidence is that they’re making a lot of noise when you’re poking around in there, allow me to destroy that myth for you.

“66% said that they moaned to speed up their partner’s climax, and 87% stated that they vocalized during sex to boost his self-esteem.”Granted, this was an extremely small study, but think about that.  The majority of women are not moaning and vocalizing during sex because they’re fully taken in by the moment.  THIS IS A SHAME.

If you women who are doing this would just stop doing it, your partners are going to learn.  YOU have to teach them what works for you.  So please, stop faking it.  And if you’re trying to speed up your partner’s climax, know that I think this is only acceptable if you hear the kids (or your boss) coming down the hall.  If you’re not enjoying it, you shouldn’t be doing it.

I don’t give a participation medal to someone who simply touches my vagina.  I don’t make noise to speed things up or to make him feel better.  If I’m making those sounds, something right is being done and I guarantee you he can feel it, so he knows it’s real.  This is why I have way better sex than most people I talk to.

3. Men need to learn what it is they’re doing, apparently. Now, I’m not knocking men.  There are those who have it figured out, but if you’re wondering what would make me say something like that, “Lesbian women orgasm more often than heterosexual women but less often than men…”1  Women know what women like and they’re more likely to do those things to their partner.  I mean, who knows a clitoris and vagina better than a woman? So if you’re a man in a heterosexual relationship with a woman, you’d better figure out what all of her parts do, where they’re located, and what you can do to be certain you’ve got the bases covered.   That’s all I’m going to say about this, because I think it goes hand in hand with numbers 1 & 2.

4. Women need to be FAR more comfortable with their own bodies. They also need to be talking about sex a whole lot more. Ladies, if you don’t know what you like, how can you ever tell someone else what you like?  If you’ve never poked around in your own vagina, you’re really just going to be entrusting your sexual happiness to your partner.  Who likely learned what he/she is doing from their previous partners.  Who may or may not be built like you or like the same things you do (Please see #1 and #2.  )  SIGH  This frustrates me because I still know a LOT of women who have never used a vibrator of any kind.  Don’t like the penetration?  There are clitoral stimulators.  Afraid of the 10” real feel shaft?  They make bullets and smaller vibes.  Don’t want it to vibrate?  Buy a straight up dildo.  There are options for every single preference out there.  And if you want suggestions, ask around.  Don’t know who to ask?  Ask me.

Find out what you like on your own before you expect your partner to figure it out.  It’ll save you a lot of time and effort, and you’ll be having all of the Os in no time. Plus, if you invest in solo sex toys now, and still fake those orgasms, at least you’ll be able to satisfy yourself while he/she is in the shower, falsely believing they’ve got the market corner on fulfilling you sexually.

The more you talk openly about sex, the easier it will be to tell your partner exactly what you want.  This is going to lead to more delicious orgasms.  I mean, let’s be honest – it is generally a whole lot easier for a guy to blow his load.  Women have to work at it a little bit more, but it shouldn’t be difficult.

I’m not shy and I’m not ashamed to say I masturbate on the regular.  I’ve tried almost every kind of toy there is for solo sex and I keep my favorites right under my bed.  I don’t pretend to have orgasms.  Ever.  I ask for what I want and if he’s not doing it right, I’m not afraid to stop him and make suggestions.

It’s time to level the playing field, ladies.  You can do this.

Posted in Humor, Life

Is That Vibrator Secure?



Let’s talk about this for a moment.  Because we have to.  So, the problem here is that tons of people have purchased a vibrator that can be controlled across the internet.  And they are mad because the manufacturer could and did collect information about how and when it was used.  So now, everyone knows that Susanita Eichenbarchen (name changed to protect the freaky bitch) from DesMoines has a lover in Seattle who likes to make her vibrator randomly pulse from the lowest setting to the highest setting and back again, in rapid succession, as if it was timed to some dub step.  Do I have that correct?

They might also have discovered that 72% of users with a .edu email address like to set it on low and leave it there for hours, as if it was soothing them while they studied biochem and statistics.

Would it shock you that 67% of .org users only put the app on their OWN smartphone and didn’t bother to give the control to anyone else?

98% of Gmail users bought one, turned that bitch on, gave out the passcode to anyone who would listen, then sat back and enjoyed the ride.

So the makers of WeVibe are paying millions to users because someone knows that pussydestroyer1972221432543@hotmail controls the vibrator of slideitinme3297532689@msn and when they use it together, the sessions last about 20 minutes.  When SIIM uses it alone she’s making it an entire 2 hours and 25 minutes, so we can conclude that PD is done WAY before SIIM is and is really not very generous with his/her time.   But I digress.  Let’s back up a minute.

They paid millions of dollars to people who didn’t know this information could be obtained, when it’s used across the internet.  I mean even super secure government agencies get hacked on a regular basis?  And these people didn’t think it was possible?

Listen WeVibe.  I would be ecstatic to help pioneer a program whereby you supply women with a vibrator and maybe $1,000 and you can collect any information you want on the use of said toy and even call me and ask me follow up questions about it.  If it turns into a camera and can be used to spy on us though, we need to know that up front and then it’s not a flat fee, but pay-per-view on that footage.  I bet I can give you the contact info of a large group of people who’d also be willing to join me. It’d be cheaper for you in the long run.  Plus, if you read my ramblings yesterday, you know I have use for something exactly like this.  Hit me up.  I have a Gmail account.

Posted in Life

Long Distance Isn’t Just a Type of Phone Call

For those of you playing along, I am in a long distance relationship.  We’re 905 miles apart, and while that’s not as far as some people are, most days it feels like we’re on opposite sides of the Earth.

It’s hard, but not impossible.  Mostly, it’s dealing with the frustration of not being able to be together on a regular basis.  I can’t just call him up and ask him to stop by after work.  I can’t just show up to surprise him with carry out when he’s had a bad day.  I don’t get to fall asleep next to him very often.  I don’t even have the irritation associated with cancelled plans or one of us being terribly late.  And before you say I should be grateful for that, you should know that there are few things in this world that I wouldn’t give up just to have those opportunities, because they area normal part of every relationship.

My life with him is very different from my life with anyone I’ve ever been with in the past.  It’s phone calls that last until the sun comes up.  It’s counting days in between visits and trying to fill those empty spaces.  Today, it’s knowing he’ll be here in four days and those four days will be the longest of my life, yet the four days that he’s here will be over in what will seem like minutes.

It’s being truly happy when I see pictures of my friends with their significant others, smiling and having a good time together while also being incredibly jealous about it because I don’t get to have that.  Some days those images are more than I can handle and I don’t look.  It’s just too hard.

Every day in between is the same.  It’s a whole lot of missing him and wishing for time to pass.  It’s sweet messages about love and missing each other.  It’s talk about what it will be like to finally not have this distance between us. It’s complaining about our days, sharing the good moments, and really just connecting over the miles.

It’s making each other laugh and smile, though not being able to see that we’ve had that effect on the other.  It’s understanding that we both have things to do outside of this.  It’s filling those empty times when he’s busy and I’m not, and I’m sure he has that same issue.

It’s putting all of your trust in someone that they aren’t out there doing who knows what with who knows who.  It’s talking through the hard parts of living life without the daily physical presence of each other, and it’s not always easy or pretty.

It’s an exercise in patience, for certain.  Patience isn’t one of my strong suits.  I’m learning, but I’m not sure one can really learn to be patient.

It’s waking up with a bit of sadness and lonely feelings until that first message of the day that reminds me I’m not really alone.  It’s going through each day being really happy for the crazy circumstances that brought us together, and being grateful that he saw just as much potential in it as I did, so we both just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  There’s the talking and pictures and general communicating with each other that most people in relationships take for granted, but right now it’s what we have.

It’s getting ready for bed and staring at the half of the bed that’s gone undisturbed for 6 weeks and not wanting to get in because it’s cold and lonely.  It’s knowing that the last sound I hear at night will be his voice, even if it’s just on the phone.  It’s saying good night and hanging up and then just lying there and trying to fall asleep with a horrible sadness and emptiness that feels like the worst breakup you could ever imagine.  It’s sleeping and dreaming and waking up with that bit of sadness again and doing it all over again, waiting for that first message.

It’s being excited for the times that you’re actually together, and then trying to cram two months worth of shared meals,  laughter, fun, conversation, and sex into a long weekend.

It’s crying as it gets closer to the end of that time together, even though you still have an entire day before you have to worry about it. It’s horrible goodbyes at the airport and a genuine difficulty in letting go, because you have to stop holding each other, as one of you has to go through airport security.

It certainly isn’t a circumstance I ever thought I’d find myself in, and yet here I am.  And through all of the frustration and loneliness, I’m happy. I wouldn’t wish a long distance relationship on anyone, but in the same breath, it’s the most amazing thing that’s happened in my life since my son was born.  I’m not full of regret or doubt.  I’m just left counting the days and right now, I’m at four.  Four days until he’s here and I can see him and touch him. Four…


Posted in Life

Great Sex Can Be Yours, If…

I used to write and talk about sex all of the time.  If you knew me back then, you’d probably think I was this nymphomaniac who did wild and crazy things with no worries in the world about what other people would think.  And if you ACTUALLY knew me, you’d know I wasn’t actually doing most of those things – I was just talking about them.  There’s a big difference.

But something happened when I left my husband.  I actually started doing those things I talked about and I stopped talking about them.  I didn’t need to wonder out loud about them anymore.  I just needed to experience them.

I think everyone needs to experience a lot of things.  I live by the whole “try almost anything once, most things twice” motto.  I don’t believe that with most things you can form an honest opinion about them after just one go round.  I mean think about it.  If it’s new and maybe a little bit (or a lot) kinky, you might be nervous.  You might not be sure about it.  You might not be sure about your partner.  FULL STOP.  You’re never going to have incredible sex if you aren’t sure about your partner.

There are a lot of things out there for people to try.  You’re only limited by your imagination, your interest, and a willing partner (or appropriate sex toys).  Sure, there are some things for me that are a hard no – these hard lines mostly involve animals, unwilling partners, cadavers, human waste, and baked beans.  However most things?  I’m probably willing to give it a go with the right person.  And there’s the key to EVERYTHING – the right partner.

See, you don’t need to have had dozens of partners in order to have experienced amazing sex.  Sure, everyone does things a little bit differently and there are going to be variable sex drives, sizes, skill sets, whatever.  But it doesn’t mean that you have to have sex with a huge number of different people in order to experience everything you might be interested in.

Honestly, I haven’t slept with all that many people, compared to most people I know.  I’m not about quantity, I’m more interested in quality.  I’m also of the opinion that sex doesn’t have to get more boring the longer you’re with the same partner.  If that’s happening to you, then you probably need to run out and buy a few things to spice up your life in the bedroom.  Try a paddle, soft restraints, or nipple clamps.  Go for a buttplug, feathers, a riding crop.  Or dildos, vibrators, scented lube, fuckable foods…the list goes on and on.  I’m getting away from the point I was trying to make, so I’ll back up.

I’m going to tell you right now, that the sex you’re having should be getting BETTER as you go through life with the same person.  I mean, if you’re both paying attention, you’re learning everything there is to know about that person’s body.  What really turns them on, what they like, what a certain sound means.  Does that growl indicate pleasure or frustration?  Should you be talking dirty to them?  Should you tell a joke right before your partner has an orgasm? What about during?  What does it mean when she holds her breath and bites her bottom lip?  Is he close to orgasm or does he require more of everything first?  Does he like it when you tease him with the tip of your tongue?  Does she like it when you trail your fingers across her thighs?  These are all things you should know.  And if you don’t, you need to take the time and figure it all out.

And when you’ve got that down, then you can start branching out from your normal comfort zone.  Get tied up.  Get spanked.  Get treated roughly.  Get treated gently.  Get blindfolded and let your partner touch you with whatever happens to be handy – sex toys, strawberries, lipstick, a lint roller.  It doesn’t matter.  EVERYTHING creates feelings and sensations and you should be using everything to your advantage – even that box of pop tarts.

Along with learning about each other’s bodies, hopefully you’ve also learned to trust the other person, right?  If you haven’t, there’s a huge problem there.  One you can’t have amazing sex without getting straight.  If you don’t trust your partner, you’re not likely going to do much past standard sex and, if you’re like me, you’ll get bored.  Really bored.  Really quickly.

You should be talking and laughing.  Learning about each other and teaching each other exactly what it is you like.  You should be taking chances, because they might have ideas about what you might like.  You should be open to it.  You don’t know until you try it.  Even if it’s a little bit uncomfortable, knowing that you didn’t like it with your partner is far better than living your life wondering if there’s more to sex than missionary position.

Sex. Should. Get. Better. The. Longer. You’re. Together.  Sure, it’s helpful if what you start with is someone whose basic style matches your own, because then you’re already on the same page and likely having, at least, pretty good sex.  But even if you don’t match up right out of the gate, you can still grow into mind-blowing sex.  You just both have to be open to it.

Now picture this:  you’ve both used your imaginations, fueled by images you’ve seen in porn, read about in trashy novels, or heard me talk about.  You gave yourself to the other person completely.  You’ve instilled in them a level of trust and given them your body as a playground in exchange for them giving you theirs.  If it’s built on trust and respect for each other, learning, testing, and maybe pushing each other’s limits, it’s going to be amazing.  When there’s the freedom to say “stop” and they stop; scream “harder” and they go harder;  they know when “no” means no, but also when “don’t” means “more, please” because you’ve had that conversation and you’ve discussed how that’s going down – (and you should definitely have a safe word if you’re going to delve into the “do the opposite of what I say” game).  THIS is when sex goes from really good to really great.  This freedom to just be in the moment with each other, experiencing everything there is to experience in that time, without hang ups or judgment. THAT is what you should be aiming for.  You don’t get that by having sex with a lot of different people.  You get it by having sex with the same one (or more than one if that’s how you roll).

The point of all of this is that even you can have better sex.  It’s supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to feel good.  It’s supposed to make you want more.  If it’s not, you’re doing it wrong.  Spank that ass.  Pull her hair.  Drag your teeth across his shoulder.  See what you can do with that popsicle.  Buy a sex toy for her.  Buy one for him.  Use them together.  Sit across a crowded room from each other and sext – get raunchy with it.  Go to the bathroom.  Take a photo of you touching yourself.  Send it to your partner while he/she is at work. Be waiting for her wearing nothing but a smile, while holding a ping pong paddle.  Put on his shirt.  Wear her apron.  Have foreplay while wearing oversized oven mitts so that you can’t use your hands.  Keep your eyes closed tightly.  Keep them wide open.  Hold your breath.  Pant.  Scream.  Moan.  Talk dirty.  Talk even dirtier.

Experience every scent, every sound, every visual image, every touch. If you can think it, talk about it.  If you’re both willing, try it.  Be silly.  Be serious.  Do it when you’re angry, when you’re hurting, when you’re sad, when you’re giddy, when you’re sober, when you’re drunk.  Do it because you want to, then do it because you have to.  And then, do it all again, but do it better.  Don’t forget the lube, if you need it.