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Apocalypse When?

If you believe that the Mayan calendar faux paus signals any type of apocalyptic event, then you believe today is your last day on Earth. To me, tomorrow signals the start of winter and a chance to go drunken midnight bowling, and that’s about it. However, I am not above admitting to the possibility of an unforeseen cataclysmic event wiping out all of the human race. I would like to know the approximate time for the speculated end of the world, however, because I have a few things I want to be sure to accomplish before then. So if you have an in, please let me know.

Anyhow, should the end of the world come tomorrow, I would be remiss if I didn’t say some things that have been floating around in my head, occasionally entering my stream of consciousness, until I smash it back down inside, not wanting to tarnish my reputation as a “kind, sweet girl.” If you’re laughing at that, please know that I’ve recently learned the old Hannibal Lechter trick of making you swallow your own tongue, just by whispering to you, and I’m not afraid to use it, mother fucker.

First, I present to you: MY OUTLINE. Why an outline? Because my high school composition teacher once told me that all good writing begins with an outline, even if it’s only in your head.

I. On ex-husbands

  • They suck sometimes
  • They’re slack
  • They’re lazy
  • They get new girlfriends and suddenly think they’re the shit when, in fact, they’re still the same douchebag telling a different girl the same lies they told you.
  • I am thoroughly disgusted by mine
  • I am much smarter than he is and while I may seem petty and spiteful, I think I’ve earned the right to be so because no one puts Baby in a corner, and no one treats ME like shit. ME! Does he know who I am? I deserve to be worshiped, God damn it! Am I right? AM I RIGHT??

II. On gun control

  • Pros
    • Gives gun fans a reason to join the service or become a police officer
    • May decrease the number of children getting a hold of parent’s guns
    • We have restrictions for just about everything else in the world, why not these too?


  • Cons
    • I’d have to listen to people bitch endlessly about how the government took away their rights.
    •  Just a grammatical error, anyway.  The Second Amendment should have read “the right to BARE arms”, because it was hot and the Puritans had repressed the showing of skin for so long and, good God, if Carlos wants to wear a wife-beater, then he should be allowed to.  Stop the censorship of skin!
  • Paranoia/Conspiracy theory/Aliens! Think about the aliens!!!
  • Because, fuck you, that’s why

III. On media coverage of tragedies of any type

  • Disrespectful
  • Inaccurate much of the time
  • Why don’t you try reporting on something positive and upbeat that people can actually help with instead of paralyzing a nation with sadness, fear and erroneous information just so you can be the equivalent of that annoying blog reader posting “FIRST!” I hated those bastards who would reply FIRST in every blog I’d write on MySpace. Except for Crabby, who I miss terribly. But then again, he started “FIST!”-ing me, so it was all well and good. I miss that fucker. I did a blogtalk radio with him once and we had so much fun. What was I talking about?

IV. On impending doom

  • Bring it
  • I want booze
    • And bacon
    • And cheese
  • I’m pretty fucking tired.
  • Will I still have to pay back my student loans?
  • Looting begins at 7:37 am on Friday, shortly after winter officially begins.  Coincidence?  I think not!

V. Random talking points

  • Boobs are pretty.
  • Dicks look funny when they’re just dangling.
  • If people weren’t so judgmental, they may find that they are able to empathize with others, even though they may have nothing in common with them. If that happened, we’d all be having a LOT more sex.
  • Word uses a really fucked up autoformat for outlines. WordPress makes it impossible to retain this fucked up formatting.  Who the fuck decided how to format an outline anyway?
  • Outlines are easier than full paragraphs.
  • Let’s call this one complete.
Posted in Uncategorized

I say “fuck” a lot in this piece (Old piece)

I have some thoughts about the upcoming presidential election.

This fuckstorm of an election has really got me uppity. If you’re a Republican, you’re bashing anything that Obama has ever said, done, attempted, thought about and masturbated to. You think he sucks as a human, as a leader, and you’re probably convinced that he doesn’t have America’s best interest at heart. If you’re a Democrat, you hate Romney, his money, his religion, his stance on women’s reproductive health, and the fact that he made business decisions that you wish you could have made, because then you’d be rich. You think that he’s a lying, cheating bastard who will fuck this country up enough so he can sell it to China.

I think voting is important. I think you should all get out there and vote, and it shouldn’t be a wasted vote, like writing in Chuck Norris would be. Here’s the thing – vote your conscience. Vote for what makes sense to you, individually. It may not be what makes sense to me or to your neighbors. The fact of the matter is that everyone needs to vote for the issues that make sense to them. I don’t care if you agree or disagree with me. If you’re reading this, I like you, regardless of what your thoughts on politics are. You don’t pick a candidate because he’s white, black, rich, or poor. You pick one because his (or her) ideals match yours. Maybe not all of them, but you find the things that are important to you and you go with it, then you hope the guy you vote for wins and that he’ll take you down a super-shiny road, full of happiness and Ding Dongs (or Twinkies, if you prefer yellow cake with your lard) and fix all of the problems in your life. But I’m going to tell you this straight up: whoever you vote for will fucking fail because, let’s face it, he’s a politician and not some hot mother fucker with a crossbow taking out zombies from across a prison yard.

So wah, wah, wah…Obama care sucks. Obama care is great. Obama care this. Obama care that. Here’s the reality – much like the universal health care system in Canada, the plan works well for people who otherwise can’t afford insurance and for people who rarely get injured or sick. It sucks giant donkey dick for people with chronic illness and old people. It’s not perfect. It needs a shit ton of work, but what many people ignore is that the IDEA behind it is what the majority of Americans believe in – the right for everyone to be able to see a doctor and get medical help when they need it and not have to sell their children in order to pay the bill. It’s kind of like anal sex. The IDEA behind it was sound, but I guarantee you, the first people to give it a shot didn’t have the foresight to use lube. So, don’t bash a guy for trying to slip his cock in a tighter spot. Help him out, offer suggestions, spit on that bitch – do something other than complain and say it sucks.

It’s no surprise to people who know me that I’ll be voting for Obama this year. Do I think he’s done a great job the past four years? No. Do I think anyone would have? No. Do I think he was the best choice in 2008? Yes. I can’t help but think that McCain had a choice last election year between Mittens and Fluffy Beaverhausen and she won out. What does that say?

I pick the things that are important to me today and I go down that road, hoping no one jumps out from behind a bush, delivering a falcon punch to my vagina. I’ve found more that I have problems with certain platforms, as opposed to supporting others. A short list for your reading pleasure follows, and I’m only picking the big, common ones because I don’t have the time to delve into the mysteries of foreign policy, the clusterfuck of tax issues, employment, economic fuckery, or the fact that a piece ‘Double Bubble’ has gotten much smaller over the years.

I have a real problem with anyone who doesn’t know me trying to take over my reproductive health. My OB/GYN is pretty fucking hot, and he’s about the only one, aside from me, who has any say in what happens to my girlie bits. Hey, he’s been all up in there with what felt like his entire upper torso. He’s earned that right.

I have a problem with anyone who thinks that gay marriage, domestic partnerships and the like will somehow ruin this country or wreck the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman. You know what ruins the sanctity of marriage? Marrying an asshole. I can testify to that one. I fail to see how same-sex relationships could affect anyone any more negatively than my own experience with heterosexual marriage has affected me. I’m sure there’s a few of my girls who will start shouting “TESTIFY” because they’ve been there too.

I have a problem with people who try to scare others into believing that pro-choice is the same as pro-abortion. For the record, I don’t know ANYONE who thinks abortion is great and that everyone should try it. But way to go, “I’m Mitt Romney and I approve this message on the electronic billboard claiming that Obama is pro-abortion.” I have a problem with anyone who would force a 12-year old who was raped by her step-father to carry a pregnancy full-term. I think you’re an asshole if you believe that would be an ok thing. You know why? To quote a favorite internet meme, “Why? Because, fuck you, that’s why.”

I think the economy is still in the shitter, I reaped the benefits of being a single parent struggling to make ends meet with nothing in my pocket other than a wad of lint, and old receipt for Rolaids and a chewed off fingernail that I was too self-conscious about to just spit onto the ground. NOTE HEAVY SARCASM GOING FORWARD. In spite of no raise for however long it’s been, increased insurance premiums, a fucked up car and owning nothing of any value what-so-ever, I got back all of the taxes I paid last year – never mind that I’ll pay more than twice as much of that back via interest on my federal student loans. For those of you playing along, that tax return lasts a single parent about a month and a half, because it’s used to catch up on medical bills, stock up on necessities and fix the aforementioned piece of shit car so that one can go to work. So fuck anyone who suggests that I don’t work my ass off. I’m willing to bet I work harder for what little I have than the majority of the people who say stupid shit about anything wrong with this country financially. Bottom line is this: I don’t give a fuck what you think. I bust my ass at work, I come home and bust my ass at home. Most nights I get 4, maybe 5 hours of sleep and I do it all over again. So before you go on about people having to work for nice things or whatever argument one may use, realize that it’s not as simple as “working hard”, because I do that, bitches.

As far as people in the general population are concerned, it really isn’t going to matter who wins this election. Half of us will be happy and half of us will bitch for the next four years. The problems we have today may get solved, but new ones will take their place. We’re never going to stand united behind one leader – there will always be people who can’t seem to do anything but talk shit about whoever is president. There will always be those who are stuck so far up one party’s ass that they simply won’t be part of anything good the opposing party may accomplish. The opposing party could organize lasting world peace and those negative people would be the ones saying that world peace is destroying the internet, because everyone is happy and loving, therefore no one needs to make the internet interesting by bitching about things.

So pick your guy, go vote and I’ll throw this in to sweeten the deal…

You’re going to need that because no matter who wins, we’re all getting fucked in the ass, one way or another. You’re welcome.