Posted in Humor, Life

Occupy This!

I am so sick of all of the “Occupy YOUR CITY HERE” bullshit that’s been going on.  Allow me to take a moment to piss everyone I know off because:

1)    Everyone has an opinion about this

2)    I haven’t pissed you off in quite a while

3)    This has nothing to do with sex

I read recently about the horror of a police officer killing a dog at one of the “Occupy Your Mom” protests (although she prefers men with jobs, so I’m not quite sure how that works).  Everyone was saying that there was no reason for this.  True, there probably wasn’t, but let’s look at this from the view of the creepy guy who stands outside of your house every night while you get ready for bed, in hopes that you forget to close the blinds and he gets a chance to see a little nipple:

If you’re going to any kind of formalized protest where there are hundreds or even thousands of people, DO NOT BRING YOUR FUCKING DOG.  I don’t give a shit if it’s a Pit bull or a Chihuahua.    If you’re not planning on putting that bitch on a spit and sharing her with a group of hungry fellow protesters, along with some marshmallows and a jug of moonshine, leave it at home.  You’re really just asking for trouble.  The dog I’m talking about was a pit-bull. While it may be very possible that it was the sweetest, most friendly dog ever, the fact is it’s still an animal that runs on instinct, not sound decision-making skills.  I wonder, had this been a pug, that got trampled by the crowd when someone yelled out, “free cheese!”, would you all be pissed at the “Occupy Something, Somewhere” crowd for all moving in unison toward something that was being handed to them, or the owner for bringing the dog in the first place?

Now, there was an article the other day in the paper about how much money this movement has taken in through donations and such.  It was upwards of a half million dollars.  The problem was that organizers weren’t sure just how to best spend that money.  I have a fucking idea.  How about you take that money and buy some winter clothes for some kids who have none, or feed families of people who are out there busting their asses for menial wages and just don’t quite make enough to feed their children?  You know, the ones who were top-level executives, but took jobs at McDonalds or as day laborers when they lost their jobs, just to try to maintain some ability to feed their families because they aren’t too proud to be at the bottom of the ladder.  They’re just happy as shit that they can even be on the ladder at all.  Fuck, they’d be happy if they could be the guy that holds the ladder so someone could climb up.

Any time you get a large group of mouthy people together, there is going to be trouble.  This happened at my 40th birthday party when I got in the face of the bachelor who was set to ruin his life and called him a pussy for not swallowing the entire contents of the blowjob I paid for.   People are pissed about police brutality at these rallies.  Here’s the thing.  If I’m a cop, and 1500 people surround me, all thinking that they’re right, and my job is to keep them in line,  I’m probably going to fuck up and go a little gung-ho, trying to protect my own ass.  From a purely psychological standpoint, when you’re in a situation like that, you get that fight of flight response.  I’m not saying it’s right, but here’s a cop that the crowd is already pissed off at just because – get this – he’s doing his god damned job.  And he’s got to keep some guy from pissing on a bush in public.  So, he taps him on the shoulder and says, “Hey buddy, put your dick away or I’ll have to give you a ticket.”  Then 30 other people turn around and start screaming at the cop to leave the guy alone or they’ll kick his ass.  Think it through.  You’re the cop.  You have a few other cops behind you and a giant sea of angry, pissed off, out of work people who have been sleeping in tents for a few weeks.  The crowd starts jeering and throwing their own shit at you, just like monkeys at the zoo.  Maybe someone pushes you.  Suddenly, you realize you have a billy club, and if you don’t use it, you may not make it out unscathed all because you showed up TO DO YOUR FUCKING JOB.  Keep in mind that I’m not excusing the use of excessive force and police brutality that’s been reported.  I’m just saying that without the environment, it wouldn’t be happening as often as it is.

Another big problem I have is the amount of money it is costing to pay the police overtime due to all of this protesting.   In just one month,  New York City has had to shell out an additional $3.2 million for overtime police costs.  Multiply that nationwide, add in sanitation crews and other city workers, and it’s not difficult to see the financial impact this is having.  Know who pays that?  The taxpayers.  GREAT way to siphon off more of the money we pay in taxes.  That’s sarcasm, in case you didn’t recognize it.   It’s not hurting Wall Street, it’s hurting every American who pays taxes.  In a time where we’re cutting costs in education, so our kids aren’t getting all they probably should be at school, my tax money now has to pay for your ass to hang out all fucking day, playing hacky sack and smoking dope?

And what the fuck is Kanye West doing out there?   How about Susan Sarandon, Michael Moore, and a whole host of other celebrities?  Here’s an idea – have THEM pay the overtime to the police force.  They’ve got the money.  And why are you protesters embracing them?  They’re part of that magical 1% you constantly bitch about.  I’ve got news for you – they’re coming out to show their support, not because they believe in your cause, but because it gets them publicity, or because they believe in your RIGHT to be there. In Kanye’s case, he probably just doesn’t appreciate you getting more attention than he is.   Don’t confuse them supporting your right to be there with supporting your cause.  If they’re not buying you a cup of coffee and a breakfast burrito, they don’t really give a shit about you.

Now, it may seem like I’m anti Occupy A Neighborhood Park so the Local Kids Have Nowhere to Play.  So, let me be sure I offend the other people as well.  You know the ones claiming that those who make more money shouldn’t be punished for working hard; or the ones who say that everyone who is an Obama supporter is looking for free handouts; or the ones who belittle the occupier’s right to Occupy Taco Bell.  To you people, I say, get your head out of your ass.  Your sweeping generalizations about how people who lean toward the left are “fucking liberals” are really a detriment to society as a whole, as are those serious Christian folk who find it acceptable to rip on gay people, people of different faiths and people who like a little double penetration every now and then.  Keep your rhetoric to yourself.  Because while you’re out there ripping on the people who believe differently than you, I’d like to remind you that in the end, you’re just as fucked as the rest of us.  When the world floods or the sun smashes into the earth at an alarming rate of speed, causing us all to perish in a fiery hell, you’re going to die, just like the rest of us – screaming in pain, while shitting your pants.

You know what’s wrong with this country?  It’s not the Democrats or the Republicans.   It’s the fact that we don’t seem to be putting enough emphasis on the importance of proper grammar.   Well, that and everyone thinking that their way is the only right way.  I’ve got news for you – just like giving a blow job, there is no one right way.  Some guys like a finger up their ass when you do it, some don’t.  Remember the Diff’rent Strokes theme song?  “What might be right for you, may not be right for some”?   You know, Al Burton, Alan Thicke and Gloria Loring (the people who wrote that theme song for you less-educated folk.  You’d know that if you weren’t too busy Occupying the Shitter or writing anti-Obama slogans) knew just what the fuck they were talking about.  It wasn’t just about the joy of adopting African American children when you’re an old, rich white man so that you’d have more help carrying heavy shit to the attic.

What about this whole 99% shit; all of the complaining that the 1% aren’t paying enough taxes?  I’ve got news for you – if you don’t have a job, you aren’t paying taxes either, you stupid motherfucker.  In fact, studies show that 46% of households either pay no federal income tax or receive more back from the IRS than they pay in.  So really, it’s the remaining 54% of us that are totally fucked.  If you still want to take away that 1%, then do us all a favor:  educate yourself and be one of the 53%.  Seriously.   Here’s the thing.  I’m not the 1%.  But you know what?  I’m not the 99% either.  Apparently, I don’t exist.  This whole thing is really messing with my head and causing me to have an identity crisis.

I’m a single mom, working full time, going to school full time and raising my kid.  The only thing I have time to do is to Occupy My Own Vagina on a regular basis.  I have more important things on my mind like why my ex is STILL not working or paying me any child support.  I swear to whatever God you want me to that if I ever find out his ass is participating in any of these protests instead of busting his ass to find a job, I’m going to take a policeman’s billy club, and some guy’s Pomeranian and Occupy His Asshole, repeatedly, with no lube.  I’ll then use my entrepreneurial spirit and turn it into a pay-per-view that only 1% of you can see, with Kanye West announcing the action.  What?  A girl’s got to make a buck somehow.