Posted in Life

Why Him?

If you talk to anyone who has known me for any length of time, they’ll tell you that things in my world have changed drastically over the past 6 months.  Nearly every day, I’ll say something and one of my friends will say, “I never thought I’d hear you say that.”  These are the people who have heard me make excuses about not saying yes to a second date.  These people have heard me say that I didn’t think I’d ever share space with another adult again.  These people have heard me talk about how being single was going to be a life choice that would last until the day I die.  They’d tell you how I didn’t think there was anyone out there for me, because every time I tried, I couldn’t wait to get my space back.  They’d probably tell you that I was jaded and uninspired when it comes to love.  They’d also probably tell you that it made them sad to hear those things, but understand they were all born of shitty experiences and settling and never really feeling content with whatever it was that was going on in my life.

In the blink of an eye, that all changed.  Now, I’m sold on the fact that I’ve found that one person who gets me.  I want him to get me.  I want him to keep getting me.  I want to plan life and the future and all of it involves him.  I don’t even imagine a scenario that he’s not a part of.  It’s only natural that some want to know what changed, what happened, why him?  Well, I’ve been searching for the words and I probably still don’t have them.  But I’m going to try anyway, because it’s important.

Why him?

Have you seen him?  OMG look at him.  OK, wait, that’s got nothing to do with it.  It’s icing on the perfect cake, really.

Why him?

Because for the first time ever, I don’t feel like I have to explain every last little thing about myself.  It’s not that he’s not interested, it’s that he understands before I can even finish my thought.

Why him?

Because he says the right things at all the right times.  It can be a sincere compliment.  It can be a thought about the future.  It can be encouragement.  It can be just about anything at all, and it’s like he instinctively knew it was exactly what I needed in that moment.

Why him?

Because when he says the wrong things, he owns them.  When I say the wrong things, he’s patient with me.  And we talk about it all.  We talk openly and honestly, even when things are difficult.

Why him?

Because he talks about the future, and when he does, it’s not an “if” statement, but a “when”.  He’s so absolute and unwavering. That makes me check my regular pessimistic tendencies at the door, at least as much as I can.  He pulls me through the rest of the way, and I know when I’m not-so-optimistic, just talking to him for five minutes on any subject cuts right through that bullshit.

Why him?

Because he’s the only one who has ever shared all of himself openly and honestly without my having to ask a million questions and pry.

Why him?

Because we communicate so well with each other that it’s hard to imagine not having him as a constant in my life.  I can’t even think about not having his input on anything of importance in my life.

Why him?

Because he accepts me exactly how I am and he thinks it’s a beautiful package deal. He doesn’t want me to be anything else other than what I already am, and that makes me want to be better at all of it.

Why him?

Because he makes me feel valued and important.  He makes me feel respected and deserving of good things.  He makes me feel loved.

Why him?

Because he’s really smart, really funny, and really kind.  We debate, we laugh, we love.  He’s opinionated as hell and while his opinions may be very different from mine, he’s never tried to make me feel terrible about that.  He can debate his points fluently and logically, hear mine and respect them.  Yin and Yang have nothing on us.

Why him?

Because he’s everything no one else has ever been.  He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in someone else.  He’s not any of the things I’ve ever had and been disappointed with.  He’s my happy place.  He’s my safe place.  He’s everywhere I want to be, whenever I want to be there.

Why him?

Because he took a chance where no one else ever did.  He put it all out there, took it when I put mine out there, and he doesn’t see a need to look back.

Why him?

Because I just feel it with him. It’s right and it’s beautiful.

Why him?

Because I love him.  That’s why.

Posted in Life, Sex

Master what? Oh…MasTUR

I wanted to do a real comparative study about the differences between men and women, and so I thought of the one thing that makes me happy on a daily basis and how to apply it to seeing what your habits were.  I asked people all about masturbation in an anonymous survey, and now I’m going to present to you the results of that survey.  It’ll be mainly percentages and maybe a few comments. Plus, some people shared the most incredible masturbation stories and you know I’ll share those.

I had also asked for everyone’s favorite euphemisms for masturbating and will attempt to use them all interchangeably here.  It will be fun.  I mean, at least for me.  Let’s start with a basic stat here:  1/3 of the respondents were men who told me about their jacking off habits, which left 2/3 of respondents as women who flick the bean.

  1. On average, how often do you masturbate?
  • 60% of the women paddle the pink canoe 1 – 2 times per week. By contrast, only 17% of men choke the chicken at this frequency.
  • 20% of women said they rub one out 3 – 4 times per week. No men claimed this as their frequency for thinking of your mom.
  • 33% of men and 20% of women said they play with themselves 5 – 6 times per week.
  • If you’re good at math, this means that you know that no women claimed to diddle the skittle more than 5 – 6 times per week. However, 50% of men claimed that they have a romantic evening with Rosie every day.
  • No one said more than once per day. This makes me sad.

2. What do you usually masturbate to?

  • When looking at what men are doing while firing off some knuckle children, 50% are watching porn, 33% are going off of memory or imagination, and 17% are sexting.
  • Women, on the other hand, polish the pearl mostly while relying on memory or imagination (58%). The rest of them are either porn watchers (25%) or sexters (17%)

3. When asked about other things they might use as inspiration the numbers are a bit different. Keep in mind they could check more than one answer. I mean, it’s not like we expect only one activity while we’re multitasking.

  • Men buff the bone using a couple of other things to bolster their session:  50% memory/imagination, 33% porn, 50% sexting.
  • Women branched out a bit more, 45% using memory/imagination, 18% a book or magazine, 45% porn, 9% sexting.  My favorite stat though?  36.36% of women said sometimes they finger themselves with no inspiration at all.  Nothing.  They just lay there and touch themselves.  I like this thought.

4. Have you ever masturbated while someone watched?
Of all the questions I asked, this one surprised me the most.

  • 67% of men said yes, they’ve polished the pistol for an audience of at least 1 and 33% said no.  Let that sink in for a minute while I tell you that
  • 92% of women have rubbed one out while someone watched, and 8% never have.

Now, of those people who have had someone watch them engage in self-awareness:

  • 50% of men said it was mutual masturbation.
  • 75% of women said it was mutual.

While we’re talking about watching each other express ourselves:

  • 100% of men enjoy watching their partner pleasure herself.
  • 83% of women enjoy watching, with the remaining 17% either not being down to watch or not knowing how they felt about it.

5. Let’s talk about the use of toys and whatnot to get off.  Because you know that’s my favorite thing to discuss. 

  • 17% of men use a vibrator.
  • 17% use butt plug.
  • 17% use masturbation sleeves.
  • 83% use just their hands.
  • One kind soul also offered a recommendation for you:  “Vulcan Love Skin: Ripe/Mouth + Vibe Stroker Get it guys. It’ll be your favorite bedside accessory.”

When the women get involved, this is not surprising at all.

  • 50% use dildos.
  • 92% use a vibrator.
  • 8% use a butt plug.
  • 17% use just their hands.
  • No one offered up a suggestion for a great toy, so I will.  My long-time favorite is The Eroscilator.  Spend the extra money, get the complete set with ALL of the attachments.  Don’t limit yourself.

Note:  The men’s math adds up, the ladies’ doesn’t.  I’m thinking when the ladies were checking more than one thing off, they saw hands.  If we’re going look at the actual % of women who use nothing but her hands when visiting the Y, it’s going to be 8%. 

So that’s how we stack up.  I asked people to tell me their most embarrassing masturbation story.  Some people claimed to not have one, and that’s possible. If any of these are you, I’m glad you got back on the plane to Pleasure Island.  You have my gratitude for sharing your story.

“There’s nothing pretty about a guy masturbating. Being busted is always embarrassing.”

“There was this pie…”

“Most embarrassing was my first time. I was in the 12-13 age range. It was a Friday night, late, which meant I had set up shop in my sister’s room, watching Cinemax. She had the cable, I had the computer, a decision I was adamant about and quickly regretted after this particular night. Anyway, she was at a friend’s house or something so I settled in to get my softcore porn on. I still remember the movie, “2069: A Sex Odyssey.” I’d had erections before but had never did anything with them. Well this particular night I decided to give this “choking the chicken” thing a try. I think I came in like 15 seconds and it was a literal explosion of jizz. And while it felt like the most amazing thing ever I instantly panicked. There was jizz all over me, all over my clothes but most alarming, all over my sister’s bed. Oh, I had also never seen cum before so white slime shooting out of my dick, coating what felt like the entire room was terrifying. I stripped everything I had on off, stripped the sheets and blanket from my sister’s bed, ran to my room, put on fresh clothes and then creeped downstairs to start a load of laundry, instantly alerting my mother. So she comes in, surprised that her son is doing laundry, and attempts to sort my “load.” All I could think was my mom is going to get whatever that was that flew out of my dick on her hands and I’m going to need to move out soon after that. I pretty much screamed “NO,” snatched everything from her and shoved it all in the washer where the water had started running and ushered her out of the laundry room. Thankfully it was late and she was half asleep. Because of that whole experience I jerked off onto paper towels laying across my belly pretty much all the way thru high school.”

“Not really embarrassing, but funny. The vibrator wouldn’t turn off. I had to remove the batteries. Actually that happened today because this survey made me go masturbate.”

 “My child walking in…instant mood killer.”

 “My son found my vibrator and brought it out when we had company over. I’ve learned that the nightstand isn’t a good place for such things!”

 “Not embarrassing, just never shared. Masturbated while nursing first born. Only once.”

 “I was 19 and living at home. I had a lock on my door so my 15-year old brother wouldn’t go in my room. He and a friend used a ladder to climb in the window to steal my weed. He found the vibrator I had bought at Spencer Gifts in the mall and laughed and laughed over it. I’m now in my late 40’s, he just told me this a few years ago.”

 “One of the first times I ever did, my boyfriend came home from work early, and I raced to pull up my pants and act like I was doing something productive. But pretty sure he knew. He looked at me with a weird look and asked, what are you doing???”

 “I was about 14 years old. I didn’t have a lock on my bedroom door, so hardly ever masturbated. I was really turned on by a video on tv. So, I was just about to cum really hard and my mom walked in my room to tell me it was way past time to get up”.

 

Posted in Life, Sex

The Men Have Spoken

Since I asked the women, it was only fair that I asked the men.  I did notice a couple of things – women tend to be far more descriptive, which isn’t surprising at all.  We’re all about the words.  I’m really appreciative of everyone who participated in either survey.  So ladies, get ready to take notes.

I couldn’t summarize this like I did for the ladies.  Y’all are pretty all over the place. 
 

What’s your current favorite sexual position – has it always been that one, or has it changed with different partners?

Certainly changes with partners. My favorite is ‘doggystyle’ but my partner can’t take it that hard or deep for long. So, to make sure she’s satisfied, we usually do her on top or me on top (missionary). My favorite is likely a modified missionary with me holding up her legs with my arms.

Doggy. Once I did it that way, it became my current favorite. Back in my single days and when I was scared to death of being a teen parent, I loved titty fucking. It was safe and I could really cut loose and get off and was fortunate to have a few partners that seemed to enjoy it also – I’d guess for the same reason.

My fave is doggy style. Hands down. Seeing an ass jiggle and shake just drives me batshit crazy with lust. It’s been my fave for about 10 years since I divorced, but only because I never had doggystyle before that. I was never sexually adventurous.

Assuming you’re talking about het vaginal penetration… They’re all good. Missionary or woman on top for kissing and nipple sucking while doing it. Doggy style for out and out banging. If I have a ‘thing’ for any position I suppose it might be from behind while spooning. While it immobilizes one of the man’s arms, it leaves the other hand more free to ‘play’ than doggy style does. Plus the odd angle / difficulty adds some special sauce for me. It’s kind of so wrong it’s right. It makes me last longer because it’s difficult. Never done ‘cowgirl’ – don’t really see the point – I suspect it’s ‘A Thing’ to show off the girl in porn flicks.

My favorite sexual position varies based on the partner. Most often it is directly related to what I am seeing. For example, my most recent partner is blessed with an ample posterior so any time I am behind her it’s a quick ride to Ejaculation Town because I look down and enjoy what I am seeing. I once had another partner that I enjoyed on top, reverse and regular, more than any other position because watching her ride was an amazing show. And then there are those partners that look fantastic regardless of the position so any way the deed was done was a favorite to me.

Any way I’m in

Depends on the partner. Mostly doggy and reverse cowgirl.

All of them

Girl on back, man on top (missionary).

Missionary. With her ankles by my ears

Missionary – this is first partner I’ve been able to do that with due to joint issues Also really like reverse cowgirl

Prone Bone has been consistent since I learned to flip a woman over.

I like girl on top or doggie.

 Rev cowgirl, was doggy

I don’t have a favorite, it just depends on what I’m in the mood for

What do you think of inflicting a little bit of pain during sex, such as hair pulling, biting, spanking, choking, etc?

Here’s something interesting – the women who answered this seemed to want this pain much more than the men who answered like dishing it out.  I thought it might have been reversed.  The point is, this is one of those areas people ought to be communicating about more.  

hair pulling and lite spanking is ok

She loves the biting and I love to bite her. I don’t like to be bitten all that much though. She also likes a bit of hair pulling, so I do.

No. Really. Not as the question describes it. Much of this is a dominance thing. (I am answering this question and the next question here – And I’m being honest about my kinks / turn ons. I think you could classify me ‘Honest Vanilla’.) Nipping is a Yes, but Biting is mostly a No (It’s a judgement call). Rake my back on occasion. Hair pulling – NO. Not a turn on. Creepy. Spanking – No, not a turn on for me, but I’d slap ass if it did it for her. Choking – Again NO. Never want that much power – Scared by, not sure how I’d deal with, any woman who’d want me to. —- It’s about dominance / submission. I’ve held her down, with permission. Already fucking, held her wrists and pinned her down. It’s mutual ownership. — I may have pushed the back of a girl’s head a little during head is about as far as I’m willing. Again, judgement call – What does she want … both for herself, and to do for you – Which could be experimenting with what she can actually enjoy, and stopping whatever if fantasy exceeds enjoyment. I’d need verbal permission, or serious stroking for me to perform most of these.  

There’s a line between “squeezing with fingers” and “that’ll leave a mark”.

I’ll choke her if she’s down

It’s all good

For it

Yup

I think it’s one of the more creative aspects of love making. As much as my partner is willing to push her own limits I’m willing to challenge her. She might say she likes spanking but we need to see if she wants to deal with not being able to sit comfortably the next day.

Honestly? It makes me nervous as hell. Unless I know for absofuckinglutely sure she’s into that, I’d never try it. I’d just be horrified for a woman in intimate with to feel degraded by me.

Love it

I’m all for a little bit of pain during sex but like anything there are limits, both to the level of pain given/received and regularity of pain introduced during sex. Moderation is the key. A great deal of trust is also involved. I’m not just going to let anybody tug hard on my balls while putting a choke hold on me.

It’s good

I don’t mind a little as long as it’s what my partner wants.

I like giving and receiving hair pulls and some biting/nibbling. Spanking I’m willing if she likes it but it doesn’t do anything for me (but since I want her to enjoy…) No choking or strong hitting, whipping, etc

I am indifferent on giving or receiving. I do it lightly (except choking) if that’s what she wants and she wants that from time to time.

 

Can she do any of those things to you? 

Yes (11)
No (1)
Maybe (3)

I’m willing to push my own limits too. It’s not in an “it’s fair” way – but if she wants to explore her dominant side I’ll see what’s there.

Bite. Slap

She can absolutely do any of those things to me. Sex is reciprocal to me in many ways. And I’m not going to do anything to my partner that I would not allow her to do to me. Yes, I said anything. Butt stuff is fair game.

Hair pulling, nibbling, spanking ok. No choking or whipping

Except choking – no desire to do or have that done to me.

 

What’s your preference for hair down there on a lady?

small ‘stache is OK – but bare floors is delightful – nothing around the lips or the butt though

I prefer none, makes for better oral. But, shaved or not does not stop me.

Ooh. This one is difficult. Shaved is amazing (Almost too much) , but stubble is horrible. I’ve shaved as a male – Doubly amazing – but it sucked as it grew back. If I had to choose it’d be hair, with shaving as a rare treat.

Small landing strip

As long as I don’t need a sherpa, it’s good

No more than Hitler’s mustache

Well manicured, if any…

Trimmed to none

In order – curly afro, landing strip, Hitler mustache.

I actually like the landing strip. I want everything clean so I don’t catch and cough on a hair, but being able to see it and feel it is just incredibly sexy to me.

Love hair down there

I go back and forth on this. Hair is natural, normal and is to be expected quite honestly. But I’m also not a fan of spending an hour or so after going down on her hacking up hairballs. If you have hair, cool with me. But how about we keep things trimmed and tidy down there. I’m doing the same for you.

None or trimmed.

I like a little above but not around the sides.

I like it both ways. I like shaving it smooth and once it has grown back running my fingers through it. Both have different sensations. That said, I know that the growing back phase can be very uncomfortable so if she doesn’t want to deal with that then I’m fine with hair.

Natural is my preference. I’ve never seen the appeal of a bare area. Oh, I’d still look if it was bare there, but I mean even groomed or something there is better than bare.

 

In a perfect world, how often would you have sex?

Once or twice a week

2-3 times a week

Ten years ago? Every day and sometimes more. Now? 2-3 times per week is fine. It’s my first indicator that I’m getting old, and frankly scares the hell out of me.

3/week
3 times a week.

These days every few days, although twice a day when I became active.

at least 3 or 4 times a week

4 times a week

5 times a week – all on the weekends.

daily – morning is the best

Every. Single. Day.

All day, every day

Daily…

Every days or so. It takes its toll on me sometimes, though, so need a break once in a while. We can be intimate without full blown sex.

Multiple times daily

 

I’m sure the popular answer here for most men would be every day of the week and when I was married it likely would have been my answer. But since the dissolution of that marriage I’ve been in a few relationships that have shown me what a happy and healthy sex life is like. And within that context sex would occur in my perfect world whenever the mood strikes. There is no set number on it.

 

Do you use sex toys with your partner?  If not, tell me why.

absolutely

We do sometimes but not often. When we do, we will use them for a few times in a row, then go long stretches without using them.

I’ve not had a partner who wanted them. Not that I’d be averse, but when I tried with one partner she said they make her come too fast.

She is very orgasmic, it hasn’t been a need (with THIS partner).

Sometimes

Rarely, she’s not all in to them.

No, but I have had a partner use them in the past. It’s not a necessity.

Yup

If the partner is up to it – I’d try any sex toy out there and I’m down for using home utensils too.

I don’t feel the need or get turned on by toys, but if it makes the experience better for her, that’s great. I’m game.

If she’s willing yes

Duh! Sex toys are the shit! And I encourage and celebrate their use with my partner. Go ahead and put that wand on your clit while I pump away.

I have with other partners.

Hell yeah! What are we Amish?

Not with current partner but we’ve talked about it. She was a little shy discussing it at first. Just need to get together and pick something and buy/order it.

We don’t use them. We don’t have any and she has been indifferent about them. I’ve offered to acquire them and she just laughs or rolls her eyes or really seems indifferent.

Describe your perfect sex scenario.

30 min 4play is grand. gotta have some tunes though

Foreplay should be about 10 min of each person performing oral. Then sex should be about 30 min. Two or three positions is plenty. It doesn’t take me long to get her to climax, so our sex is usually about 15 minutes.

Foreplay – 15 minutes to half and beyond. Hugging to kissing to groping to ‘I want to give give her a serious tongue bath, and expect same. There is not a part I will not tongue or kiss.’ After that coital positions are a matter of how long we last.

A good day together, then a lot of time snuggling. They might lead to being silly or lightly teasing. Foreplay is great. Admire the body. Kiss all over. That’s a good start.

This will take too long. But she knows. And she’s down

Foreplay 15 minutes, sex 15 minutes, 3-4 positions, and during a lightening storm. If I did it right, my tongue should feel numb when I’m done.

Foreplay should last till we both are ready to tear into each other ideally. That number is static for me. If I had my way I’d say anywhere between 10-15 mins should do. I go either for 5 mins then another 25-30 minutes after or I’ll go 35-40 mins. Always multiple positions, (oral, missionary, doggy, cowgirl) whatever she wants to do makes it more enjoyable. Always at least two to three times a night as long as time allows.

Depends on how much time we have

Perfect scenario isn’t an every time thing. It’s only perfect if it’s rare. I think it starts with a written set of instructions of how she’s to prepare herself for the visit including outfit and toys to pack. The foreplay starts before she ever sees me. Foreplay includes spanking, fingering, nipple pulling, oral (separately none of that 69 crap) and lots of kissing. 30 minutes of foreplay and probably 15-30 minutes of sex with 3-4 positions ending with anal.

I don’t think there’s a perfect because I just need different things sometimes. But variations between me going down on her while she’s in stockings and garters and driving her crazy with lust to me bending her over the bed and just using her pussy for my own enjoyment when she’s late for work and needing to leave. I love garters on nice legs, I love ass jiggling and cumming inside when I’m not supposed to, and I love the smell of pussy on my face.

She has on high heels and a sexy outfit. Could be one of my dress shirts we spend a long time kissing and when she purrs I move my lips To her bare breasts and then slowly down her body. I love watching a woman climax so I will always bring her to climax first orally. Then while she still in the bliss from her orgasm I mount her and we have intercourse

My picture of the perfect sex scenario is a lazy Saturday or Sunday, absolutely nothing to do, nowhere to go, that is spent indulging each others whims and desires. Cuddling, kissing, fooling around, fucking, all of that, not necessarily in that order, on a loop throughout the entire day. Think about how different our Mondays would be if that’s how you spent every Sunday.

foreplay for as long as you can stand it and then multiple positions.

It starts with kissing and caressing and touching each other, taking turns. Then I want to play with/finger/kiss/lick her nipples, clit, and pussy until she has an orgasm and even squirts. I’m not able to pull that off every time but that’s my goal. I have trouble finding the right spot for her sometimes. Then I want her to touch/ tease me a bit before climbing on top and pounding her until I can’t hold on. Sometimes the first part gets me so worked up, the second part doesn’t last more than 10 minutes.

No children around. That’s a tall order sometimes. Perfectly, it’s on vacation or at least in a motel. Starting with a warm to hotter, but not hot shower together, kisses and skin on skin for a time. I don’t know how long it takes – that’s part of it being perfect is that I’m not on a deadline or having to be somewhere else. I know by now how long to linger and when to get out of the shower and advance on to a make out session moving on to a 69. I let her dictate for how long as I could stay there for the duration. She will stay on top and face me, then eventually roll over with me on top flattening down on her. She is usually “happy” by this point and she knows I love the reverse cowgirl or doggy fashion and will assume either position to drain me – she gets enthusiastic (or at least acts enthusiastic, right?) and it doesn’t help my duration by that point.

Now, tell me a rough % of the time that you actually get what you described in #7.

25%- always tunes though

20%

Never.

50

97%

25%

80%

1%

Never. Oh sure, I’ve eaten puss like a champ, but never in thigh highs and garters. I’ve also never fucked a woman late for work. What a fucking eye opener this is. I’m a fucking pussy.

Until I got dumped last May, the percentages were pretty good. Now they’re not. At all.

Maybe 5-10% of the time.

 

Tell me one thing you wish your current (or latest) partner wouldn’t do in bed anymore.  If there isn’t anything, tell me one thing you’d like them to do differently.

 I will admit that I giggled at some of these, only because I wasn’t sure what was “I don’t want her to do this” and “I want more of this” on some of them.  I’m not even fixing the answers, because I don’t want to be wrong in my interpretation.  NO JUDGEMENT

fart – more head

Change pace during oral. Stick to one speed, dammit. Ha.

I have no sex life. Everything above is a fantasy or memory of a time when I did have a sex life.

Reduce their drive/frequency

She really rocks my world every time

Lay in bed like a dead person.

Wouldn’t change too much.

Swallow

Differently is just to feel more comfortable verbalizing her pleasure and just give some encouragement along the way. A little direction goes a long way. I don’t need Troy and Joe giving play by play but a well placed “More” or “Harder” is good.

I know cum is fucking nasty. But don’t jump up and run to the bathroom like it’s fucking toxic. I’ve had a vasectomy.  

First I have to find a new partner

While the sex with my latest partner is enjoyable I’m not a huge fan of her tendency to get off once or twice and essentially shut the shop down for the day/night after I cum as well. There will be times when I am ready to go with an Ethiopian marathoner mindset and I’ll get a “you’re still hard? Can’t you jack off or something so I can get some sleep or a snack?” Those are the times I mutter in my head “You know, I could have saved some gas jacking off at home instead of driving all the way over here.”

I can honestly say the only thing that I would like is if my partner Initiated it more but that’s about it, I’m pretty lucky .

Be a little more assertive when she’s in the mood.

I’m pretty satisfied. If I wanted something else or different, I’d mention it. I’d hope she would do the same.

 

I think next we’ll compare masturbation habits, or something along those lines.  

Posted in Life, Sex

When do we want it? NOW How do we want it? IT DEPENDS

TWO THINGS BEFORE YOU READ THIS.  

1) You don’t get to have an opinion on what other people like unless you’re the one expected to please them. 

2) There’s some language in here.  Naughty language.  It may disgust you.  It may turn you on.  Just smile and nod.

 

I wanted to do a quick comparative survey about what women like and don’t like in the bedroom.  I asked for five women to share their thoughts candidly.  I knew with the people I know, this wouldn’t be a problem.  

I was going to try to draw some conclusions, but then I realized something.  Sometimes it’s best to allow words to stand on their own.  Plus, the people I asked have really big mouths and like to talk.  A lot.   So I thought I’d share the questions and many of the actual answers, then punch you in the face with an observation or two. Bottom line is that these women can speak for themselves, and I’m thrilled that they did.  

What is your current fave sex position and has it always been that or has it changed with different partners?

Missionary (5)
Take her from behind (3)
She’s on top (2)
Side Sex (2)

“Missionary, with him on top. I’ve only had two partners, and I’ve been with hubby almost 20 years, but…I’m a creature of habit.”

“Missionary, because I’m lazy.  Or I like to be comfortable.  Or both.”

“Love missionary with my current boyfriend because we have really intense eye contact and junk.  However, for raw pleasure – doggie.”

 “My favorite with him is missionary, kind of.  I like looking at him, feeling him on top of me while he’s deep inside.  I mean, doggy is awesome, too. So maybe that’s my favorite.  I know before him, I’d go with face down, ass up. So this is definitely different.”

“It’s a toss-up, but though it sounds “vanilla”, the favorite has to be missionary. Why? I can reach (almost) ALL THE THINGS! And so can he (almost). Plus, there is the aural stimulation (“sounds” for those with slim vocabulary) and the fact that anatomy just makes it better with that approach.”

“Me lying prone on belly, man entering from rear, lying on top (perfect aim on Gspot).”

 From behind…. Penetration is deeper, however I’m fond of being on top when I just want to get off because I can control the friction and penis angle better….It’s all about me.”

“Current fave position is doggy style. It hasn’t always been that way, just with this particular partner. He has a Prince Albert and yes, the rumors are true. It’s mind-altering.”

“Different partners definitely make all the difference. One of my favorite moments was crazy sex up against a wall, but that is completely unrealistic. Across the board I have to say I like being on top because I know I can reach orgasm quickly.”

“Being on top has always been my favorite.  I like being in control.”

“I’m not sure of the “name”, per se…on my side. He straddles bottom leg. Top leg up on his shoulder or the crook of his elbow. No change with partners… but, I’m down to try!”

“Me on my back, him lower than me on his side. Almost like a scissors. Didn’t know about this position until my husband.”

 

What do you think of things that inflict a little bit of pain, such as hair pulling, biting, spanking, choking, etc? 

The majority of women who responded like these things to some degree.  Make sure you have that conversation with her before you try anything.

Pain is pleasure and I, personally, enjoy him pushing me to the point where the two merge. Although, I do feel like there are different categories that these things fit into. Hair pulling, biting, and spanking are very possessive moves, and who doesn’t like their man to be possessive of them once in a while? Choking really fits somewhere else, though. Choking and blindfolding cut off certain senses. That heightens the others, making sex more pleasurable. for me, anyway.”

“I LOVE the endorphin release. As long as it’s done as part of sex and not true punishment or emotional abuse. I’ve enjoyed everything from spanks (not my fave, to flogging and the best is called ‘drumming’… using drumsticks on body parts rhythmically to music while bound.”

“No choking!!! A warm mouth nibbling on my very sensitive nipples is the quickest way to arouse me….The more vigorous the penetration, the more vigorous he can bite….Guarantee to cum! An ass slap or two ain’t bad too.

” I’m totally for it, within reason.  A little biting, spanking or hair pulling is very sexy, but when it gets to aggressive or overly painful, it’s distracting and no longer fun.  Never was into the choking thing.  Don’t get it.”

“I don’t mind a little hair pulling or an occasional ass smack but I’m really not into the pain part of sex. I think if it hurts you’re doing it wrong.

“I   like a little with my current guy but hated it before from emotionally abusive men. We have total trust and he’s so loving I know it’s just a game. Before I would have punched someone.”

“Yes and yes! I like being dominated although I am definite not a submissive…I like having that power taken from me forcibly. I love being spanked while bent over with my head wrenched back by my hair. Having the hand print last for a while is a hilarious joke in my house. I love having my hair pulled, being choked, and I’m a definite biter. One of my first sexual partners loved playing with wax and that introduction to pain has definitely stayed with me.”

 “Some pain is okay, but decades of abuse have had me drawing a line when it comes to overly rough hair-pulling (neck injury) and a hand on my neck makes me want to punch someone in the face – so that’s out. Self-preservation is a serious motivator even when you are certain you can trust the other person. Biting can be fun, but I’ve honestly never cared for hickies, so if teeth marks are left, I’d be one unhappy camper. As it is, I got rug burn on my nipples once. ONCE being the key word.”

 “Not really into too much pain. I don’t mind a little smack or pull here and there, but gentle smacks and pulls”

“All of it, within reason.  There needs to be an understanding and some verbalization of what I want in the moment.  I don’t want blood.  Marks are OK, to a degree and that’s really dependent upon the person I’m with. I don’t want to be in horrible pain, so he’s got to figure out where the pleasure from it stops and the uncomfortableness begins.  That’s my job to tell him.  But yeah, certain moments call for certain things and generally, I’ll ask for what I need in the moment.  Even if it’s a sweet saxophone solo. Choking is in a different genre all together for me.  There are only a couple of people I have ever truly enjoyed that with, and those people earned my trust long before I ever tried.  Now, I’m not about the whole cutting off my air supply, but go ahead and wrap your hand around my throat and maybe just squeeze a little.  I’ll lean into it if I want it harder.”

“I actually love the little bit of pain. We do the handcuffs and tying down and I love it!”

“I enjoy slightly “rough” sex. All of the above… firm but not over the top. Marks are ok… that go away after an hour or three… blood, is not… ( trying to keep a nipple on, with a bandaid, I drew the line)

 

What’s more important – length, girth, or skill?

Bottom line:  We don’t want an imprint of your dick on our cervix.  We just wanna be happy.

Skill (5)
Girth (3)
These ladies can’t follow directions (3)
Length(1)

“Skill for sure.”

“Skill, followed by girth. Length always has me concerned about a painful beating of my cervix. You know what’s not fun? Having your cervix pounded on.”

“Skill but gotta have a little girth. If I can’t feel it skill doesn’t matter.”

“Only one? Ok, I’m going with skill.”

 “That depends on whether we’re talking normal or extremes.  I’ve had experience with some pretty big ones, and size (length or girth) is no substitute for skill.  I’ll take average size with skill every time”

“I prefer girth, but skill really matters most in achieving an O.”

“I’ve had pretty large dicks.  I’ve had some small ones.  There’s such a thing as too big and there’s definitely too small.  I’d rather have girth over length.  I like feeling full.  I like knowing he’s in me and really feeling it. I can make shit happen if he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing, so skill is not necessary for mind blowing sex, I don’t require it to get off.”

“Girth and skill run a close tie for me. If I had to absolutely choose one over the other, I’d choose girth. Seriously, if the skill isn’t there, all he really has to do is lie still and let me do the work. Length isn’t as important to me because I’m not fond of bruises on my cervix.”

This question is difficult. My last ex boyfriend lacked in a 3 areas, thank God with practice and instructions he became good in bed despite a small dick. However the last guy I slept with was so big that he constantly hit my cervix. If that’s never happened to you just a heads up that it is fucking painful. I was sore for three days after that romp session. Needless to say I’m not doing that again.”
“I’ve always said size matters!!!! Skill can be taught….If it don’t fit for a particular female sex won’t be enjoyable, size is then subjective….But really a needle dick doesn’t do anyone any good.”

“Yes to all. I’ve had “sex” with a few guys who essentially had a thumb for a dick…no amount of skill could salvage that. It was a mystery as to whether there was actual penetration. I am an avid practitioner of my kegels, so my vagina is high-school-tight, but sex with them was hopeless. On the flip side, I’ve had sex with guys who hung to their knees….that was freaking complicated. My two biggest both had amazing skills to go with their size….one is still my primary spank-bank go to. It took a ton of time to ease down onto him it was so freaking thick. It also hit my spleen which meant things had to move slowly…otherwise ouch! He also lasted for hours…Im not kidding. I could never have had a relationship with that man, but I could have fucked him constantly.

“Hmmm…that’s a tough one. Obviously all 3 are important. All 3 are ideal, you BETTER have one! But, I guess I’d say length. Then skill. Then girth. I think…”

Tell me one thing you wish your current partner wouldn’t do in bed anymore. If there isn’t anything, tell me one thing you’d like them to do differently.

This can’t be summarized.  Really.  Just read.  

Maybe he could be a little rougher at times.  Maybe talk dirty more.  It really depends on the moment.  There’s nothing he does that I’m not cool with. I would just like it turned up to 11.  Also, I swallow his cum, so he shouldn’t be afraid to lick my pussy when he’s done, just in case I’m not done.  I’m pretty good at vocalizing what it is I want, but I guess overall, I’d like him to just own me in bed.”

“I’m not with any one person at the moment so I’m going to generalize this answer. I wish men would understand the importance of foreplay. It isn’t a race to fuck. If you try before I’m ready it will probably be the last time I sleep with him. Also most men need to learn how to properly go down on a woman, I think this is where porn hurts men. They watch it and think that’s how it’s done…NO, just no! Despite me not caring much for my ex husband that man could eat pussy like a champ!! I miss him for that reason alone sometimes. “

 “Actually, this talk just came up between us the other week. I NEED aural signals, moaning, groaning, etc. For 20 years it’s been near-silence. So, I spoke up and said “Hey, we’ve talked about this before, but I really need this to happen.” Funny thing, when I asked for what I needed – he asked for what he needed (verbal or physical cues that sex was a great idea).”

“He likes me to spit in his mouth.  I’ve never asked why.  It’s kind of gross. “

” I don’t think there is anything that I wish he wouldn’t do anymore, but I do wish that he wouldn’t be quite so gentle when he’s giving me oral. The light licks are great sometimes, but other times a girl just needs her man to strap her to his face and sing the national anthem.”

“I never like being called derogatory names… like whore, etc.”

“We try to change it up a bit, no latex fettishes or hard core bondage….I do have a pair of handcuffs that I can’t wait to try on him….The whole control thing again. Hubby could caress my body more, I like to feel the gentleness of being intimate.”

“When he sometimes touches my butt he moves his hands real fast like a vibrator. It’s annoying.”

“We have been together for 15 years…we are officially boring. If anything it would be to dominate me sexually more often. When he does that it is glorious. Sometimes I really want and need to be treated like a dirty whore. The other item is probably never going to happen because I don’t see having multiple partners as an option. I miss having sex with women and multiple people, so I’ll just have to keep those in my masturbation fantasies.”

“Try to talk dirty because it’s forced and once I cum can you please cum already because I want to go to sleep.”

“There is nothing he wouldn’t do, we’ll unless I tried to poke him with a strap on, I imagine.”

“Get up and wash up IMMEDIATELY after. Makes me feel like I’m gross.”

In a perfect world, how often would you have sex?

1-2/week (2.5)

3-4/week (4)

5+ times/week (5.5)

“To be fair, both of us are very quite, very even-keeled individuals – 1-2 times a week would be enough.”

“I’m more of a 2x a week gal, but if it was up to my hubby it would be daily.”

 2-3 times a week 

3-4 x week.

3-4 times a week, maybe more.

At my age now, 3-4 times a week.

4 to 5 times per week.  Often, I guess, but every day isn’t really necessary.

At least once or twice a day. I hit 40 and discovered I’m in my prime…sadly I’m single so I don’t get it as often as I’d like!

In a perfect world, with this man, I’d have sex daily, at the very least. His cock is like a drug. Maybe he coats it with heroin. Either way, I’m hooked on it 

Once a day, at least. 

 EVERY DAY! At least once a day. 

In a perfect fantasy world…several times a day with several partners. Being a parent is a buzz kill on sexuality…limited privacy, the insane stress…sex and desire have been squashed significantly.

 

Do you have sex toys? If no, why not? If yes, do you use them alone, with your partner or a combination of both?

All of the yesses!!!  Guys, you really need to be playing with your partner.
I mean, a lot.  

“Yes and currently alone (tho enjoy both, especially double dildos)”

“I do have a few vibrators. More often than not I use them alone but on occasion I’ll use them with someone.”

“Yes. I usually only use them during sex with others. I will occasionally use them solo, but that tends to be when he’s is away for long periods of time and I need to feel the sensation of penetration. Clitoral orgasm are easy to reach solo and I don’t have to remember to wash and put a toy away before the kiddo walks in. I also like using toys with others because it brings back memories of sex with girlfriends and a few freaky nights with lots of partners.”

“YES YES and YES….I’m currently in the market for a new dildo, broke the motor in it, he he he….Enjoy using it as a couple, hubby likes to visualize penetration and my cum spraying, yes spaying out of my vagina…These are multiple orgasms and I’m zapped afterwards.”

“Vibrators.  Both.”

“One. Don’t use alone. Just not that into them. Rather have hands.”

” Yes, yes, and yes.”

“I  have an entire drawer of my dresser dedicated to sex toys. He and I use them together, and I use them alone when he’s not around. Sometimes, if I’m craving him and I know I can pull him away from whatever he’s doing instead of me, I’ll send him pictures or video of these solo sessions. #tipsonhowtokeephimleaking”

“Yes, mostly with self, but also with partner.”

“I have several dildos and vibrators I use them alone a lot.  I’ve used them with partners in the past, and actually enjoy them much more that way.  Something about a guy controlling a vibrator for me just does it for me. And if he blindfolds me so I don’t know what’s coming (besides me) then it’s even better.  I have a bunch of other toys as well, and those are definitely partner toys.”

“Yes, and both.”

“Yes. Combo.”  

 

Describe your perfect sex scenairo 

Read as real women tell you what they really want. 

“It depends on mood. sometimes I am seeking endorphins, so getting them faster is best. But other times, I crave intimacy, and then it’s best to have very loving foreplay until you just can’t handle not shoving that glorious cock inside and thrusting it until screaming commences.”

“Foreplay?  What’s that?  Just fuck me already.Kidding….I am a freak for kissing and love, love, love to make out for a bit (5 minutes?)  Perfect sex includes a mutual tongue bath and exploration with lips and tongues and hands.  If we’re in for the long haul, that can last 30 minutes with us playing with each other.  Mutual oral, salad tossing, it’s all fair game, depending on how much time we have.  One of us eventually climbs on top of the other, and we swap at least once before we finish.  Generally, foreplay is about 30 minutes, sex about 30.  But it is a fairly new relationship…”

“Chemistry, eye contact, lots of touching, bout 10-15 mins of foreplay, couple 2, 3 positions, lots of dirty talk.?

“Best sex? It’s a combination of two people naked intertwined, lingering kisses, gentle foreplay, no penetration yet….Build the heat,. Oral sex first (in the middle and at the end) I like to tease his penis and balls before taking his cock into my mouth and simultaneously stroking his balls…Me next, no 69 tho, not my favorite position, I love, love, love to be finger fucked….Cum all over hands…I’m getting hot typing about it…Mission style penetration, switch to all fours and take me hard from behind…In the end kiss my cunt and make me cum one more time. There was a time I would enjoy 2-3 hours of sex, but now I’m good after an hour with the occasional marathon.”

“I used to think I knew the answer to that question. I’d have said a workdays worth of teasing and flirting and building that sexual tension, then 15-20 mins of foreplay. 15-20 mins of sex, and then intimate conversation between the sheets until we both passed out. But that answer has changed for me with this man. Spontaneous, unplanned, and raw have become my preference. When he surprises me at my office after hours and bends me over my own desk. When we’re out and he pushes me behind the dumpster and pulls my panties to the side. When he calls in the middle of the night and tells me to meet him at the hotel up the street. There is so much passion in these moments that it makes sex with him otherworldly for me.”

“Kiss/make out for a bit… either carried to the bed or if it’s right here,right now, pushed back ( I like a man who takes control, in bed) gone down on to completion ( I don’t orgasm during just sex) then multiple positions. This all should last at least 45 min.  Or longer.”

“You know those memes that show a computer screen with 3 or 4 dozen tabs open in a browser that are all different and there is no topic alike? That’s my mind. My partner’s mind as a few tabs open, but they all go together and focus on a singular topic. We’ve been together for a couple decades now, and I’ve figured out a few tricks. One, you need to find a quiet moment to mention that IF they are up for sex later, you know…. you would be too. Two, with neither of us being great initiators, the one giving the heads-up tends to start the playful banter, touching, teasing that sets things off. As for how long everything should last? Who knows! I’ve honestly never kept track. We could both be done in minutes or there have been times where it’s been hours. Who needs the pressure of a stopwatch? Each time is different. And honestly, as a woman, I admit there are times I don’t climax, but, it happens. I don’t dwell on it because I still had a good time. But, my PERFECT session? In a shower.  It’s hot, it’s steamy, we’re both relaxed. It’s sensual with the soaping up….”

“Perfect sex session would definitely involve multiple partners. There is something completely freeing about that situation…it is all about the pleasure, both giving and receiving. It is so damn relaxing and the best of both worlds because sex with a woman is the ultimate kind of foreplay, but you’re still able to enjoy penetration. Utilitarian sex is no foreplay and one position….and that’s great for a lunch break, but there should always be time for lots of oral (giving and receiving).”

 “15 min foreplay, 8 minutes of sex, a couple different positions.”

“It should start out in public with just some light touching, maybe a kiss here and there, a little whisper of what’s to come.  Then I’d like to get home and have him lick my pussy until I cum a couple of times.  Then, I’m going down on him.  69 is a confusing position.  Then, we should have actual sex.  There’s no one right way, but I want it to last as long as possible, without either of us hurting ourselves.  30 – 45 minutes of varying rates, rhythms, and depths are just about perfect.  I want to be tired, but not too sore to do it again.”

“A perfect session would be me giving him a bj, him tying me up and giving me oral, then two different positions for sex.”

“Tough question!!! It really depends on my mood, I don’t think there should be time limits. I like being the main focus, it’s a turn on. I love having my him explore his body with his mouth, tongue, and hands. Good foreplay should get me to the point where I am begging to be fucked. He also needs to make sure I’ve gotten off at least once…you’d be surprised by how that seems to blow a man’s mind that yes I need to get off too!”

Now, tell me a rough % of the time that you actually get what you just described 

This one I have something to say.  I know which percentages match with the descriptions and no, they aren’t in order.  The thing is this:  I’m pretty sure many of these ladies misunderstood the question.  I’m willing to bet the lower % ones are more accurate, because I was asking how often you get that perfect scenario, not how often you have amazing sex.  I could be wrong.  I’m going to guess most of us are on the 0-5% of the time range for the perfect scenario

“I get fast endorphins all the time (90%) but the other is few and far between now… sigh.”

“Once every couple of months…. In-between, it’s pretty close probably 70% of the time.”

“75%”

“I get it every time. 3-4x/week.”

“Oh, fuck… 5%?”

“Multiple partners…never. Great sex…regularly. John loves giving me oral and we rarely have sex where we don’t use 2-3 positions. That whole parenthood trap makes it difficult, but we muddle through.”

“As for a % on how much I actually get the above things, I’d say it’s about 75% of the time. The rest if the time is the standard, slow lovemaking that we all need in order to show our partner how we feel when words aren’t enough.”

“How often do I actually get that? A half dozen times a year, perhaps… but, with a too small water heater, the hot water runs out! We’re working on that, though! :P”

“Almost 100% of the time.” 

“If I’m being honest, it’s close to that only about 5% of the time.  Just because of time issues and the like.  Most people can’t have their ideal scenario every time.  Not even most times.  Doesn’t mean it’s not great sex.”

“I would say 90% of the time. I’m pretty vocal, if you’re doing it wrong I will let you know. Life is too short for bad sex or to have a lazy self centered man in bed.”

So you see, we’re all different.  I can’t make any generalizations.  I can’t even say the married people are all boring, because that’s not true at all.  The only generalization I can make is that you should really communicate with each other or you’re not having great sex, pretty much ever.  

I think we should ask the guys these same questions.  I’d like to see their answers.  Maybe that’ll be a project for next week and then we can compare.  

 

Posted in Life, Sex

Equal O(pportunity)

We need to have a very serious talk about gender inequality in a very specific area.  Sure, I can talk about it being OK to pay for men to get a hard on via Viagra, but balking at a woman’s right to affordable birth control (which we got via the ACA but that may be leaving us soon).  I could talk about the wage gap, because we all know that the trend is for women to make less than men in the same position.  That’s really not a myth.  But this isn’t my concern today.  I can’t fix either of those things.  But there is one gender gap that I can fix, if people would just listen to me.

Here is the terrifying thing that we need to fix right now:  “All groups of men — gay, bisexual, heterosexual — orgasm more than all groups of women…”1  Come again?  EXACTLY. How the fuck do we fix this?  The answers lie not only in the data collected, but in some basic truths.  Let’s start with the obvious and go from there, shall we?

1. It is less likely that a woman will have an orgasm from penetration than from clitoral stimulation or the two combined. This is nothing new.  In order to have a vaginal orgasm, several things need to happen.  The biggest is the guy needs to find that magical spot way up in there and be sure he’s hitting it. The hard part (no, it isn’t your dick, guys) is that it’s not in the same spot in every woman.  So just because Bobbie-Jean from high school could cum every time you stuck it in her, Betty from accounting might not.  Her sweet spot may be to the left, where BJ’s was to the right.  It may be deeper.  It may be farther forward.
This is physiology, not rocket science.  Get down there with your fingers and find out where it is.  Take the time.  Ask the questions.  Come to the realization that your junk may not be physically capable of hitting it.  This isn’t the end of the world and doesn’t mean that CPAs don’t get to have orgasms. Try different positions:  woman on top, doggy style, missionary, reverse cowgirl.  Throw her legs over your shoulders and see if that helps.  Know where her G-Spot is and use your basic knowledge of geometry to figure out what you can do, if anything to reach it.  And most of you thought you’d never use that information again once you were done with school.

And if it is physically impossible for your shit to line up with hers, don’t forget that she can also have a clitoral orgasm, while you’re all up in here, but one of you has to give it some attention.
Now, I’m not solely blaming the guys, because that’s not right or fair. This brings me to my next point.

2.  Ladies need to stop faking it. If someone cooks you a meal and there are mushrooms in it and you get physically ill at the thought of fungus in your mouth, are you going to tell them it’s the greatest meal ever? If you do, they’re just going to make it for you over and over again.  They’re going to figure that you LOVE mushrooms, so everything they cook you might have mushrooms in it from that point forward.  And this is your fault, because you gave the chef the impression that you loved every last bit of it.

Now, if you’re me, what you’d do is pick out the mushrooms, push them to the side, and explain that there’s no way you’re putting that shit in your mouth.  You can still really appreciate the fact that they cooked for you at all, but you need to make it clear that you don’t like mushrooms.  How difficult is that?

It’s the same exact thing when you’re getting laid, felt up, licked, whatever.  If you make all of the noises and wiggle around and otherwise indicate that it was a job well done, your partner is going to get the impression that everything was done perfectly and it’s just going to be the same thing over and over again.  You’re never going to be satisfied fully, yet your partner is going to be walking around thinking they are the greatest thing since sliced bread – or that big cucumber you bought last week for 79 cents.

If you think that women don’t really fake orgasms and your evidence is that they’re making a lot of noise when you’re poking around in there, allow me to destroy that myth for you.

“66% said that they moaned to speed up their partner’s climax, and 87% stated that they vocalized during sex to boost his self-esteem.”Granted, this was an extremely small study, but think about that.  The majority of women are not moaning and vocalizing during sex because they’re fully taken in by the moment.  THIS IS A SHAME.

If you women who are doing this would just stop doing it, your partners are going to learn.  YOU have to teach them what works for you.  So please, stop faking it.  And if you’re trying to speed up your partner’s climax, know that I think this is only acceptable if you hear the kids (or your boss) coming down the hall.  If you’re not enjoying it, you shouldn’t be doing it.

I don’t give a participation medal to someone who simply touches my vagina.  I don’t make noise to speed things up or to make him feel better.  If I’m making those sounds, something right is being done and I guarantee you he can feel it, so he knows it’s real.  This is why I have way better sex than most people I talk to.

3. Men need to learn what it is they’re doing, apparently. Now, I’m not knocking men.  There are those who have it figured out, but if you’re wondering what would make me say something like that, “Lesbian women orgasm more often than heterosexual women but less often than men…”1  Women know what women like and they’re more likely to do those things to their partner.  I mean, who knows a clitoris and vagina better than a woman? So if you’re a man in a heterosexual relationship with a woman, you’d better figure out what all of her parts do, where they’re located, and what you can do to be certain you’ve got the bases covered.   That’s all I’m going to say about this, because I think it goes hand in hand with numbers 1 & 2.

4. Women need to be FAR more comfortable with their own bodies. They also need to be talking about sex a whole lot more. Ladies, if you don’t know what you like, how can you ever tell someone else what you like?  If you’ve never poked around in your own vagina, you’re really just going to be entrusting your sexual happiness to your partner.  Who likely learned what he/she is doing from their previous partners.  Who may or may not be built like you or like the same things you do (Please see #1 and #2.  )  SIGH  This frustrates me because I still know a LOT of women who have never used a vibrator of any kind.  Don’t like the penetration?  There are clitoral stimulators.  Afraid of the 10” real feel shaft?  They make bullets and smaller vibes.  Don’t want it to vibrate?  Buy a straight up dildo.  There are options for every single preference out there.  And if you want suggestions, ask around.  Don’t know who to ask?  Ask me.

Find out what you like on your own before you expect your partner to figure it out.  It’ll save you a lot of time and effort, and you’ll be having all of the Os in no time. Plus, if you invest in solo sex toys now, and still fake those orgasms, at least you’ll be able to satisfy yourself while he/she is in the shower, falsely believing they’ve got the market corner on fulfilling you sexually.

The more you talk openly about sex, the easier it will be to tell your partner exactly what you want.  This is going to lead to more delicious orgasms.  I mean, let’s be honest – it is generally a whole lot easier for a guy to blow his load.  Women have to work at it a little bit more, but it shouldn’t be difficult.

I’m not shy and I’m not ashamed to say I masturbate on the regular.  I’ve tried almost every kind of toy there is for solo sex and I keep my favorites right under my bed.  I don’t pretend to have orgasms.  Ever.  I ask for what I want and if he’s not doing it right, I’m not afraid to stop him and make suggestions.

It’s time to level the playing field, ladies.  You can do this.

  1. http://www.cnn.com/2017/03/10/health/orgasm-frequency-sex-explainer-study/index.html
  1. http://www.cnn.com/2016/11/13/health/women-moan-sex/?iid=ob_article_organicsidebar_expansion
Posted in Humor, Life

Is That Vibrator Secure?

REFERENCE POINT:  http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/03/14/520123490/vibrator-maker-to-pay-millions-over-claims-it-secretly-tracked-use

 

Let’s talk about this for a moment.  Because we have to.  So, the problem here is that tons of people have purchased a vibrator that can be controlled across the internet.  And they are mad because the manufacturer could and did collect information about how and when it was used.  So now, everyone knows that Susanita Eichenbarchen (name changed to protect the freaky bitch) from DesMoines has a lover in Seattle who likes to make her vibrator randomly pulse from the lowest setting to the highest setting and back again, in rapid succession, as if it was timed to some dub step.  Do I have that correct?

They might also have discovered that 72% of users with a .edu email address like to set it on low and leave it there for hours, as if it was soothing them while they studied biochem and statistics.

Would it shock you that 67% of .org users only put the app on their OWN smartphone and didn’t bother to give the control to anyone else?

98% of Gmail users bought one, turned that bitch on, gave out the passcode to anyone who would listen, then sat back and enjoyed the ride.

So the makers of WeVibe are paying millions to users because someone knows that pussydestroyer1972221432543@hotmail controls the vibrator of slideitinme3297532689@msn and when they use it together, the sessions last about 20 minutes.  When SIIM uses it alone she’s making it an entire 2 hours and 25 minutes, so we can conclude that PD is done WAY before SIIM is and is really not very generous with his/her time.   But I digress.  Let’s back up a minute.

They paid millions of dollars to people who didn’t know this information could be obtained, when it’s used across the internet.  I mean even super secure government agencies get hacked on a regular basis?  And these people didn’t think it was possible?

Listen WeVibe.  I would be ecstatic to help pioneer a program whereby you supply women with a vibrator and maybe $1,000 and you can collect any information you want on the use of said toy and even call me and ask me follow up questions about it.  If it turns into a camera and can be used to spy on us though, we need to know that up front and then it’s not a flat fee, but pay-per-view on that footage.  I bet I can give you the contact info of a large group of people who’d also be willing to join me. It’d be cheaper for you in the long run.  Plus, if you read my ramblings yesterday, you know I have use for something exactly like this.  Hit me up.  I have a Gmail account.

Posted in Life

Long Distance Isn’t Just a Type of Phone Call

For those of you playing along, I am in a long distance relationship.  We’re 905 miles apart, and while that’s not as far as some people are, most days it feels like we’re on opposite sides of the Earth.

It’s hard, but not impossible.  Mostly, it’s dealing with the frustration of not being able to be together on a regular basis.  I can’t just call him up and ask him to stop by after work.  I can’t just show up to surprise him with carry out when he’s had a bad day.  I don’t get to fall asleep next to him very often.  I don’t even have the irritation associated with cancelled plans or one of us being terribly late.  And before you say I should be grateful for that, you should know that there are few things in this world that I wouldn’t give up just to have those opportunities, because they area normal part of every relationship.

My life with him is very different from my life with anyone I’ve ever been with in the past.  It’s phone calls that last until the sun comes up.  It’s counting days in between visits and trying to fill those empty spaces.  Today, it’s knowing he’ll be here in four days and those four days will be the longest of my life, yet the four days that he’s here will be over in what will seem like minutes.

It’s being truly happy when I see pictures of my friends with their significant others, smiling and having a good time together while also being incredibly jealous about it because I don’t get to have that.  Some days those images are more than I can handle and I don’t look.  It’s just too hard.

Every day in between is the same.  It’s a whole lot of missing him and wishing for time to pass.  It’s sweet messages about love and missing each other.  It’s talk about what it will be like to finally not have this distance between us. It’s complaining about our days, sharing the good moments, and really just connecting over the miles.

It’s making each other laugh and smile, though not being able to see that we’ve had that effect on the other.  It’s understanding that we both have things to do outside of this.  It’s filling those empty times when he’s busy and I’m not, and I’m sure he has that same issue.

It’s putting all of your trust in someone that they aren’t out there doing who knows what with who knows who.  It’s talking through the hard parts of living life without the daily physical presence of each other, and it’s not always easy or pretty.

It’s an exercise in patience, for certain.  Patience isn’t one of my strong suits.  I’m learning, but I’m not sure one can really learn to be patient.

It’s waking up with a bit of sadness and lonely feelings until that first message of the day that reminds me I’m not really alone.  It’s going through each day being really happy for the crazy circumstances that brought us together, and being grateful that he saw just as much potential in it as I did, so we both just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  There’s the talking and pictures and general communicating with each other that most people in relationships take for granted, but right now it’s what we have.

It’s getting ready for bed and staring at the half of the bed that’s gone undisturbed for 6 weeks and not wanting to get in because it’s cold and lonely.  It’s knowing that the last sound I hear at night will be his voice, even if it’s just on the phone.  It’s saying good night and hanging up and then just lying there and trying to fall asleep with a horrible sadness and emptiness that feels like the worst breakup you could ever imagine.  It’s sleeping and dreaming and waking up with that bit of sadness again and doing it all over again, waiting for that first message.

It’s being excited for the times that you’re actually together, and then trying to cram two months worth of shared meals,  laughter, fun, conversation, and sex into a long weekend.

It’s crying as it gets closer to the end of that time together, even though you still have an entire day before you have to worry about it. It’s horrible goodbyes at the airport and a genuine difficulty in letting go, because you have to stop holding each other, as one of you has to go through airport security.

It certainly isn’t a circumstance I ever thought I’d find myself in, and yet here I am.  And through all of the frustration and loneliness, I’m happy. I wouldn’t wish a long distance relationship on anyone, but in the same breath, it’s the most amazing thing that’s happened in my life since my son was born.  I’m not full of regret or doubt.  I’m just left counting the days and right now, I’m at four.  Four days until he’s here and I can see him and touch him. Four…