Posted in Humor, Life

Look Mom! I tried something new!

In my effort to try new foods, I’ve decided to try one new thing every week.

This week’s experiment – a kiwano horned melon.

The Kiwano Horned Melon

Not knowing how to eat this horny bastard, I started by cutting it in half.  And then, I was stuck.  Convinced I’d done something horribly wrong, I sought the advice of Wiki.

Before you go and laugh at me, let me show you what the inside of my halved kiwano looked like.

Kiwano innards

Yeah.  What the hell do you do with THAT?  I bet somewhere, some man is thinking, “I’d stick my dick in it!”

I, on the other hand, Googled   “How to eat a kiwano melon”.  I went with the first result:

The description alone had me laughing hysterically.  Ah yes, this fruit was misnamed!  It should be a horny melon,  not a horned melon!

“…. 3.  Hold the remaining half up to your mouth. Slowly, but firmly, squeeze the fruit from the lower end. Small, semi-slimy sacs of fruit, each containing a cucumber-like seed, should come to the cut surface of the fruit.

4.  Lick or suck up at least one sac of fruit and seed.

5.  Pinch the sac of fruit gently with your front teeth. The seed should be between your teeth and closed lips. Suck the sac of fruit through your top and bottom teeth. Your teeth should be pinching enough to hold the seed on the outside of your teeth, yet still allowing the sac of fruit to be sucked to the back of your mouth.”

(OK, by now, I was laughing harder than I have laughed in a very long time.  I decided this can’t be real.  I read on…)

“6.  Don’t spit the seed out into the bowl unless you don’t want to eat it. They aren’t toxic, by the way, they just don’t have any taste.

7.  Chew or suck on the sac of fruit, swallowing it once you have savoured the flavour. Repeat until you’ve had your fill of kiwano!”

I wish I would have had instructions like that the first time I ever sucked dick!!

After reading that, I knew I just had to try it.  So, I grabbed my melon and squeezed until the sac was ready to be licked and/or sucked.  I gently touched my lips to the sac.  I took it into my mouth.  I swallowed the seed.  It was very juicy.  I had juice on my chin and I calmly said to Jerry, “Hand me a towel.”

My impression?  It tasted very much like a banana.  But it was green and jelly-like with seeds.  It was ok, but nothing I would never eat in public.  I also don’t think I’d pay $2.99 for another one.  However, they are native to the Kalahari Desert so I know what to look for should I ever find myself stranded there.

What should I try next?  Will it have a graphic description somewhere telling me how to eat it?  Do you have any suggestions?