Dear 1988 Kim:
I know you’re about to begin your first year of college and you’re full of excitement about how many house parties you’re going to attend this year while attempting to maintain your grades – and trust me the answer is “A WHOLE LOT OF THEM”. I know you’ll have an amazing year! I wanted to take a minute to tell you a couple of things about your next 27 years that may help you enjoy life just a little bit more.
- It’s just a Harley. The guy is a douchebag. In fact, you should push it over the first time you feel you want to.
- You’re right not to buy the cast iron skillet – it’d be harder to swing.
- Don’t go to that Christmas party at 123. If you do, leave before 9:45 because the cops are coming.
- He’s sleeping with your roommate. And to make matters worse – he drinks really shitty beer, even for a poor college kid.
- Buy three tickets to the Rolling Stones, because he’s asking his dad to go, not you. Better yet, buy two but only give him one.
- Go ahead and move to Virginia. You don’t get an amazing kid if you don’t. You also won’t get that fantastic tan while living in Wisconsin.
- Listen to what the NP on the phone is telling you, past the first terrifying sentence. You’re not going to die. It’s not a brain tumor. Promise.
- Walk away. You’ve had all you can handle, gave it your best, and he’s not going to change. But this time, take the appliances, for fucks sake. It’s not like he’s going to need them.
- Enjoy the kiss in the rain. You earned it. But don’t get too attached to that bar – they’re closing in a couple of years.
- Let him go. You’re not ready. Buy a new vibrator instead. You’re always ready for a new one of those! Spend the money on a high end one. You won’t be disappointed, even if it costs more than your monthly car payment.
- When you have a window, move back to Wisconsin, even if you don’t think it’s truly feasible. Sure you’ll miss out on some fun things, but you should just do it. There’s a lot of bands coming to Summerfest and you’re going to miss them all if you stay in Virginia.
- Let him go. He doesn’t really love you the way you deserve.
- You’re not a terrible mother. Sure it’s disturbing to hear your kid tell you about things he hears on a YouTube video, but you make it through that and it’s just preparing you for the fun years of puberty. Be grateful that he’ll talk to you about anything. It’s a gift, even if you don’t really want to know about hentai.
- Stop looking for answers. You’re not going to find them because you already have them – they’re just not what you were hoping for, much like that time you did the Jaegerbombs before the Jimmy Buffet concert.
- Speaking of Jaeger – when you are at the movie on that date, don’t ever explain why you laughed when Idris Alba asks Charlie Hunnam if he’d “rather die on the wall or in a Jaeger”. It was a hilarious moment and you should just take that one as a victory, even if they spelled it wrong.
- Don’t worry so much about your kid. He’s smart and funny with an amazing heart and the capacity to care about everyone around him. Besides, he’s already figured out what you haven’t in 44 years: people who are not kind to you don’t deserve a moment’s thought. Know who you are, love yourself and surround yourself only with people who want to be near you. The rest of the people aren’t going to matter in the long run.
- Last, but not least, do not change the way you love people. Not everyone gets it. Not everyone loves the way you do. Not everyone will appreciate it. They don’t have to. It’s their loss. Truly.