Posted in Humor, Life

Caller ID

We have a phone system at work that gives you a lot of information about your phone calls.  It keeps a log of every call.  It will tell you the number, the time, the date, how long the conversation was.  It’ll tell  you either the name of the caller or the location of the caller if it’s in an area where more than one person uses it.  It tells you if the call was answered, missed, ignored, incoming, outgoing, shy… you get the picture.

Every morning I come in and check the log of calls that were missed from the night before.  I do this before I check my voicemail.  I do it this way because I want to know who is leaving me a voicemail.    I do this because I am a complete control freak and don’t want to listen to voicemail first thing in the morning if it’s from someone whose voice makes me want to claw out my eyes and feed them to starving children.

As I’m browsing this morning, I see the usual culprits.  Elizabeth, Barbara, someone from VTCC Acute Unit and one that makes me chuckle.  I don’t know who it is.  I don’t know the number.  I do know that because it’s not someone’s name, it’s a location.

I’ve seen some of the people who work around here.  I feel bad for whoever has that secretary position.  What kind of questions do you think they asked the candidates?

They didn’t leave a voicemail, so I don’t know who was on top of the secretary at 7:03 PM last night.  XOXO

Posted in Life, My Family

A walk in the park

“Sometimes Josh, girls are just mean.”  I wiped his tears away and said, “So, let’s go have a Mommy/Josh day of fun!”   And with that, we ran off to the park.

After an hour at the local playground and lunch at McDonald’s, we decided to go check out the big pond/small lake at the park downtown.  We stopped home to grab the camera and some drinks and hit the road.  It took a little while, but we made it to the park and Josh said, “Wait, Mom.  I need a moment to myself.”  He took it…

and we were off!

First stop – Byrd Park!

A word about the geese.  We were walking along the side of the pond and there was so much fecal matter there.  It looked as if it belonged to small dogs, chihuahuas, dachshunds, toy poodles, etc.  It wasn’t until I read the sign about the Canadian Geese that I realized that goose shit looks exactly like little dog shit.  This is a problem.  Families picnic here.  People come here with their younger kids to fish.  It’s  very open for picnics and kite flying, you could probably get in a game of jarts too.

The Canadian geese have more or less taken over.  Damn Canadians are moving in!  Perhaps they discovered that our bacon is WAY better than Canadian bacon (here in the states, we call Canadian bacon “ham”.  *snicker*)  There goes the neighborhood!  Apparently, the park is using border collies to help “control” the Canadian goose population.  The sign assured me that the geese aren’t hurt.  They are just encouraging people to not feed them and the collies chase them.  The hope is that a majority of the geese will migrate elsewhere.  I did not see any border collies, or I’d have taken pictures of them, as they are on my favorite breed of dog list.

My point?  Dear Canada:  Please call your geese home for dinner.  They’re wrecking my park.  Thanks.  Love, Kim

Back to our day at the park.

Josh’s favorite ducks.  They just kept mooning us.  I have a video about a minute long of the ducks coming up for air, and then going back down.

Josh found that if he ACTED like he had bread and held out his hand, the geese followed him around.  <Insert your joke about Canadians here.  I happen to like some Canadians, so I will refrain…>

Josh decided he was Superman and thought if he walked along something and then jumped, that maybe he could fly.  His first attempt was a bust, but he said that’s because he wasn’t high enough.

So he climbed a little higher, with the help of Mom.  I assured him Martha Kent wouldn’t have been all, “Sure Clark, let me help you.”  She would have been all, “Clark Kent!   Yesterday, you picked up a car, and today you’re asking me to help you get on a retaining wall…”

Flying was not in the cards today.  Sorry, SuperMan.

There was a beautiful old holly tree there.  I could stand under it and look up, so I did.

Josh could fit under it too.  NO, HE IS  NOT PEEING.

Did you ever take a picture of a kid doing something and it looked so neat in your mind at the time?  And then, you get home and SEE the picture and you wonder what it was you were trying to get a picture of?  Yeah, that’s that one.  I don’t remember what he was doing, but I assure you, urine was NOT involved.

Next, we ventured to the Maymont Nature Center where we saw fish and turtles, eels and river otters.  We learned about earth and river health and all kinds of things that I really had no interest in.  I am not a fan of earth science.  Sad, but true.  🙂

Happy Spring!

Posted in Humor, Life, My Family

Making illness fun for 30+ years

My mom is 63 years old.  She has never taken very good care of herself and up until a year ago, she was a heavy smoker.  Last year, she got pneumonia and was diagnosed with COPD.  After she was discharged from the hospital, she never picked up another cigarette.  I am so proud of her.

On Tuesday, she went to Urgent Care – pneumonia again.  Of course, they admitted her to the hospital.  I called to talk to her last night.    She let me know that she’s feeling much better and will be able to go home on Friday.   She also wanted to know that when my aunt was with her at Urgent Care, they thought of me.

You should know that one of my most favorite movies is Airplane!  If you’ve never seen it, this won’t make sense.  Just skip this paragraph and go on to the next.  That’s where the sexual stuff is anyhow.   So, Mom has the oxygen flowing and my aunt reaches over to get something and on the way back, knocks the oxygen tube out of place.  As if on cue, she starts to sing, “There’s only one river!”  I immediately got a mental image of my mother…

My sister was up visiting my Mom when I called and the nurse came in to do blood pressure and such, so I had a few moments to talk to my sister.  We chatted about Mom and then my sister said in a very hush-hush voice, “Let me tell you, Mom’s student nurse is a dude, and he is some serious eye candy.”

I asked, “Is he still in there?”

“Yeah, he’s taking her temperature right now,” she responded.

“Rectally?” I asked.

Lisa started laughing and said, “No.  In her mouth.”

At this point I can hear Student Nurse Hottie-Pants laughing, saying, “I assure you it’s orally.”

“Good”, I said.  “Is he using a real thermometer?”  More laughter from my sister.  “OH MY GOD!  IT’S NOT!”  I yelled into the phone.  “GET THAT THING OUT OF HER MOUTH!  THAT’S MY MOM!” I screamed with horror.

Lisa was laughing so hard that she couldn’t talk.  “OH!” I exclaimed with excitement.  “Ask him if he’s ever been in a Turkish prison!”

My mom got back on the phone and made me tell her what I was saying.  So I did.  That got HER laughing and coughing and hacking.  I am anxiously awaiting my inheritance of $5.98, so I figured I’d go in for the kill.  “Whatever you do Mom, just remember that they don’t take your temperature vaginally either.   Also, be sure if they say they want to put the thermometer in your mouth, make sure it’s small and skinny and connected to something.”

Not to be out-done by her punk daughter, A.K.A. “me”, my mother finishes for me, “But not connected to a man, right?”

“Yeah,” I said laughing.  I wanted to be sure she was understanding what the doctors were telling her.  “Do you have a black doctor?  Because I speak jive.”

We laughed a little more and it was time to say good-bye.  “Mom, if you need me when you get home, I’ll find a way to get home and help you out for a little while.”

“Surely, you’re not serious.  You don’t think I can take care of myself?  They won’t let me go until I can breathe well you know.  I’ll be fine.”

I simply replied, “I am serious – and don’t call me Shirley.”

Posted in Humor, My Family

A budding artist?

My child came home from school yesterday, beaming and it wasn’t because he was announced as the highest fundraiser in his school for the Jump Rope for Heart.

“Mom!  Guess what?”

“Um, you found a dinosaur egg?” 

Josh giggled.  “No…”

“Uh, there was a family of baby otters in your lunchbox this morning?”

“No!  Guess what we got to play with today?”

“Operation.  Kerplunk.  Checkers.  What’s in Ned’s Head…”

By now, he’s getting irritated and reaches into his bag.  “I drew a picture of it!”

He handed me this…

 

At first, I was shocked.  Why did my kid draw a wiener?  Why are the balls so big?  How does he know there is hair there when you get older?  Why do they have organized “play with your weenie” time in kindergarten?  Is that what they do during rest time now?

I was about to ask him questions and then I actually read what the paper said…

 

 

 

Posted in Humor, Life

Changes

This morning’s coffee pot/water cooler conversation with my coworker is one for the books.    It went a little something like this:

Her (H):  “Hey Kim, how are you this morning?”

Me (M):  “I’m doing ok.  I am suppressing my desire to punch someone – anyone – in the face.”

H:  “Are you taking suggestions?”

M:  “No.  Remember, the whole “new leaf” thing?  I am not supposed to talk bad about anyone.”

H:  “What else is going on?”

M:  “Not much.  My shirt is driving me crazy”, I said while adjusting the front and retying the scarf for the 8th time.

H:  “What’s wrong with it?”

M: “This tank top under here looks crooked and I can’t get it to lay right.  I’m 100% sure that it’s my weird boobs.”

At that moment, I heard a cough behind me and a man’s voice say, “OK…” as if I had just told him some very bizarre fact about myself.  I didn’t need to turn around.  I knew it was my boss.  I apologized and then started a nervous giggle.  I felt I had to speak and said, “It’s just that my shirt isn’t laying right.”

He responded, “I can’t really help you with that.”

My co-worker said, “I’m sure he’s noticed that problem with you before.”  I laughed.

It was then that I had a flashback to when my niece was baptized.  We were posing for pictures with her and I am her Fairy Godmother.  My Brother-in-Law’s brother is her Godfather.  We stood next to each other.  I was an awkward 23-year-old girl who was not totally OK with her small, uneven breasts.  I was wearing a padded bra.   He was a handsome 20-something guy who, I admit, I had a small crush on.  His elbow brushed up against my boob.  “I’m sorry,” he exclaimed.  “My elbow brushed up against your bosom.”  (Yes, he really said that.  He was being funny.)

My mom heard this and announced, “It’s ok!  It’s not like they’re real or anything.  I.  Was.  Mortified.  I literally ran away crying.

As you can tell, I’ve recovered completely, embracing the fact that my odd shaped, rather small boobs will be WAY perkier than anyone with larger boobs when we’re all in our 60’s and 70’s – even if my shirt doesn’t lay right.

Posted in Humor, Life

Just FYI…

My husband’s balls are clean.



I don’t really understand all of the hoopla over this.  I mean, really.  It’s a friggin’ loofa for a man.  Dove makes one now too.  I think it’s ridiculous.  However, they don’t call it a loofa.  They call it the “Axe Detailer”.  Whatever.

I don’t think it’s better than what I have.  In fact, I think it’s worse.  Do you want to know why?  Well, I’m going to tell you why.

For YEARS fairs  have proven two universal truths.

Truth #1:  Everything can be deep fried


OREOS

TWINKIES

SNICKERS

BANANA

Truth #2:  Everything is better when it’s on a stick


WAFFLES

CHEESE


PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH

CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON



LOOFA

ANY QUESTIONS??

Posted in Life, MS

Listmania!

Kim Bertram – Some crazy bitch in Virginia

Michael Blake – Hollywood screenwriter, “Dances with Wolves”

Bill Bradbury – Secretary of State of Oregon

Clive Burr – Iron Maiden Drummer

Betty Cuthbert – Olympic Gold Medallist, Sprinting

Sir Augustus Frederic D’Este (1794-1848) – grandson of King George III of England

Michael R. Duval – Investment Banker and White House Lawyer Under Nixon and Ford

Donna Fargo – Country and western singer

Lola Folana – singer

Annette Funicello – singer, dancer, former Mouseketeer

Teri Garr – Actress (Young Frankenstein, Tootsie, Close Encounters and others)

Brenda Gildehaus – champion BMX bike rider

Marianne Gingrich – ex-wife of former House Speaker Newt Gingrich

William Hartnell – British actor (the first Doctor Who)

Joseph Hartzler – Chief prosecutor for the Oklahoma bombing case

Heinrich Heine – German poet (1797-1856)

Jimmy Heuga – Olympic skier

Lena Horne – Actress and singer

David Humm – NFL quarterback, Oakland Raiders

Jonathan Katz – Comedian

Hal Ketchum – Country & Western Singer

David “Squiggy” Lander – actor in the American TV show “Laverne & Shirley,”

Carl Laemmle, Jr. – film producer and son of the founder of Universal Studios

Ronnie Lane – musician with The Faces (Rod Stewart’s old band)

Lydwina of Schieden – Dutch patron Saint of Ice Skaters (1400AD)

Maureen Manley – Olympic Cyclist

Mary Mullarkey – Colorado State Supreme Court Chief Justice

Alan Osmond – Singer in Osmond Brothers

Richard Pryor – comedian and actor

Adam Riedy – US Speed Skater

Sharon Summerall – model (married to Don Henley (singer with The Eagles)

Clay Walker – Country and western singer

Danny Wallace – Soccer Player

Paul Wellstone – US Senator, Minnesota

Montel Williams – talk show host and actor

Wade Boggs’ (baseball player) sister

Gloria Estefan’s (singer) father

Tommy Hilfiger’s (designer) sister

Stone Phillips’ (Dateline NBC) wife

J K Rowling’s (author of the Harry Potter stories) mother

Adam Sandler’s (comedian/actor) Cousin

Daniel J. Travanti’s (actor) brother

Eddie Vedder’s (Pearl Jam) father

These people all have something in common.  They all have Multiple Sclerosis.  You can check out a very comprehensive list HERE.

This week is Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Week.  I am fully aware of MS on a daily basis.  Between the meds, the shots, the aches and pains and fears, I KNOW all I care to about it.

Here’s your chance to ask a question.  Is there something you’re curious about concerning MS?  Ask away!

This is also the kick off of my fund-raising & team recruiting efforts.  I’m doing two walks this year.  May 1 will be a 3.1 mile walk in Richmond, VA.  That’s my warm up.  It will jump-start my official “training” for the 3-day 50-mile Challenge Walk in Door County, WI in September.  You can make a difference.

You can donate to the Richmond Walk. (I’d like to get $125 for a T-shirt, but no minimum amount is required.)

You can join me for the Richmond Walk.

You can donate to the Door County Walk ($1500 minimum required).

You can join me for the Door County Walk.

I’d love your support.