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15 in ’15

 

    • There’s no way to be fully prepared for your child to discover there is no Santa, Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy.

 

    • There are very few limits on what I’ll do for people I love.  But when those limits are broken, I’m done.

 

    • Sometimes the things you need to hear are the things someone else can’t or won’t say. This is what breaks hearts.

 

    • Always be aware of the time someone has given you. It’s the most precious thing they have.

 

    • It’s OK to say no to the people who don’t support you.

 

    • If you have to ask constantly, it’s not worth knowing the answer.  In fact, you probably don’t want to actually know that answer.

 

    • It’s not easy to walk away from things that once meant the world to you, but it’s often necessary.

 

    • Sometimes the right thing for your overall well-being is the exact opposite of what your heart convinces you that you need.

 

    • People can say nice things about you to others, but it’s always better if they say them to you – that’s how you know your value to that person.

 

    • Your children will hurt your heart most days. Moments later, they will mend it and you’ll be reminded why you do all of the things you do for them.

 

    • Being alone is not awful. Being lonely is.

 

    • “Time heals everything” is a bullshit saying. Some things don’t heal – you just handle them better over time.

 

    • If someone hurts you, tell them. If they don’t make an effort to change, they don’t feel you’re worth it and that’s okay.  Just be sure you realize they aren’t worth your efforts in return.

 

    • 11-year-old boys grow entirely too tall, far too quickly.

 

    • Life is full of failures. Getting up and trying again is how you know you’re alive. If I quit every time I failed, I wouldn’t be here today or tomorrow or the day after.
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Posted in Uncategorized

Life Begins When?

I thought I started my life over at 40.

I left my husband.

I went back to school.

I had sex with a few people.

I made my own rules.

I worked on raising my son the way I saw fit.

I made friends.

 

And then it began unraveling.
Nothing made sense.

I gave too many people too much of myself and got nothing in return.

I did nothing with my degree.

I realized not all of the sex was very fulfilling.

I stuck to my rules, even though they were slowly killing me and my sense of self-worth.

I felt like I was failing at raising my son.

I lost friends.

 

I realized I’d just spent almost 5 years making the same mistakes over again, with different people. And it really has been the same mistakes. Allowing other people to dictate when I get to be happy and under what circumstances.  What’s supposed to be a give and take is only that as long as the other person got to call all of the shots.  It’s tiring and a terrible place to be.  It’s been this way as long as I remember.  And I’m done with it.

I turn 45 in February. I want to start over.  REALLY over.  I want to finally live life on my terms, not on the terms of others.
I will have friendships of quality, the number of them will remain low so I can give everything I can to them. They will return my warmth and kindness on a regular basis, not just when they’re lonely. These will be people who value honesty over feel-good because often, the truth hurts. This are people who will make me feel like I matter and I’m valuable, every chance they get, and I’ll return that sentiment whole-heartedly.

I will have sex if/when I want. It will not be a bargaining tool.

I will never apologize for loving someone, or not loving them, as the case may be.

I will be more genuine.

I will be more responsible.

I will be a better mother, a better friend, a better person.

But this doesn’t mean I’ll revert back to doormat status I’ve somehow managed to allow for the past 25 years, or more. The choices I make will be mine. They will be based on what is going to make me happy. If that’s giving to someone in need, I’ll do that. If that’s being selfish and keeping everything to myself sometimes, I’ll do that. Because I’ll be 45 and starting over. I will not worry about anything in the past, knowing that it’s in the past for a reason. The past is full of mistakes and life lessons, dotted with happiness that’s been quickly overshadowed by the worst in others.  It’s a hard place and I no longer wish to be there.