If you believe that the Mayan calendar faux paus signals any type of apocalyptic event, then you believe today is your last day on Earth. To me, tomorrow signals the start of winter and a chance to go drunken midnight bowling, and that’s about it. However, I am not above admitting to the possibility of an unforeseen cataclysmic event wiping out all of the human race. I would like to know the approximate time for the speculated end of the world, however, because I have a few things I want to be sure to accomplish before then. So if you have an in, please let me know.
Anyhow, should the end of the world come tomorrow, I would be remiss if I didn’t say some things that have been floating around in my head, occasionally entering my stream of consciousness, until I smash it back down inside, not wanting to tarnish my reputation as a “kind, sweet girl.” If you’re laughing at that, please know that I’ve recently learned the old Hannibal Lechter trick of making you swallow your own tongue, just by whispering to you, and I’m not afraid to use it, mother fucker.
First, I present to you: MY OUTLINE. Why an outline? Because my high school composition teacher once told me that all good writing begins with an outline, even if it’s only in your head.
I. On ex-husbands
- They suck sometimes
- They’re slack
- They’re lazy
- They get new girlfriends and suddenly think they’re the shit when, in fact, they’re still the same douchebag telling a different girl the same lies they told you.
- I am thoroughly disgusted by mine
- I am much smarter than he is and while I may seem petty and spiteful, I think I’ve earned the right to be so because no one puts Baby in a corner, and no one treats ME like shit. ME! Does he know who I am? I deserve to be worshiped, God damn it! Am I right? AM I RIGHT??
II. On gun control
- Gives gun fans a reason to join the service or become a police officer
- May decrease the number of children getting a hold of parent’s guns
- We have restrictions for just about everything else in the world, why not these too?
- I’d have to listen to people bitch endlessly about how the government took away their rights.
- Just a grammatical error, anyway. The Second Amendment should have read “the right to BARE arms”, because it was hot and the Puritans had repressed the showing of skin for so long and, good God, if Carlos wants to wear a wife-beater, then he should be allowed to. Stop the censorship of skin!
- Paranoia/Conspiracy theory/Aliens! Think about the aliens!!!
- Because, fuck you, that’s why
III. On media coverage of tragedies of any type
- Inaccurate much of the time
- Why don’t you try reporting on something positive and upbeat that people can actually help with instead of paralyzing a nation with sadness, fear and erroneous information just so you can be the equivalent of that annoying blog reader posting “FIRST!” I hated those bastards who would reply FIRST in every blog I’d write on MySpace. Except for Crabby, who I miss terribly. But then again, he started “FIST!”-ing me, so it was all well and good. I miss that fucker. I did a blogtalk radio with him once and we had so much fun. What was I talking about?
IV. On impending doom
- Bring it
- I want booze
- And bacon
- And cheese
- I’m pretty fucking tired.
- Will I still have to pay back my student loans?
- Looting begins at 7:37 am on Friday, shortly after winter officially begins. Coincidence? I think not!
V. Random talking points
- Boobs are pretty.
- Dicks look funny when they’re just dangling.
- If people weren’t so judgmental, they may find that they are able to empathize with others, even though they may have nothing in common with them. If that happened, we’d all be having a LOT more sex.
- Word uses a really fucked up autoformat for outlines. WordPress makes it impossible to retain this fucked up formatting. Who the fuck decided how to format an outline anyway?
- Outlines are easier than full paragraphs.
- Let’s call this one complete.