Posted in Humor, Life

Is That Vibrator Secure?

REFERENCE POINT:  http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/03/14/520123490/vibrator-maker-to-pay-millions-over-claims-it-secretly-tracked-use

 

Let’s talk about this for a moment.  Because we have to.  So, the problem here is that tons of people have purchased a vibrator that can be controlled across the internet.  And they are mad because the manufacturer could and did collect information about how and when it was used.  So now, everyone knows that Susanita Eichenbarchen (name changed to protect the freaky bitch) from DesMoines has a lover in Seattle who likes to make her vibrator randomly pulse from the lowest setting to the highest setting and back again, in rapid succession, as if it was timed to some dub step.  Do I have that correct?

They might also have discovered that 72% of users with a .edu email address like to set it on low and leave it there for hours, as if it was soothing them while they studied biochem and statistics.

Would it shock you that 67% of .org users only put the app on their OWN smartphone and didn’t bother to give the control to anyone else?

98% of Gmail users bought one, turned that bitch on, gave out the passcode to anyone who would listen, then sat back and enjoyed the ride.

So the makers of WeVibe are paying millions to users because someone knows that pussydestroyer1972221432543@hotmail controls the vibrator of slideitinme3297532689@msn and when they use it together, the sessions last about 20 minutes.  When SIIM uses it alone she’s making it an entire 2 hours and 25 minutes, so we can conclude that PD is done WAY before SIIM is and is really not very generous with his/her time.   But I digress.  Let’s back up a minute.

They paid millions of dollars to people who didn’t know this information could be obtained, when it’s used across the internet.  I mean even super secure government agencies get hacked on a regular basis?  And these people didn’t think it was possible?

Listen WeVibe.  I would be ecstatic to help pioneer a program whereby you supply women with a vibrator and maybe $1,000 and you can collect any information you want on the use of said toy and even call me and ask me follow up questions about it.  If it turns into a camera and can be used to spy on us though, we need to know that up front and then it’s not a flat fee, but pay-per-view on that footage.  I bet I can give you the contact info of a large group of people who’d also be willing to join me. It’d be cheaper for you in the long run.  Plus, if you read my ramblings yesterday, you know I have use for something exactly like this.  Hit me up.  I have a Gmail account.

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Author:

Mom - Check! Multiple Sclerosis awareness fanatic - Check! Total Dork - Check!

4 thoughts on “Is That Vibrator Secure?

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