We need to have a very serious talk about gender inequality in a very specific area. Sure, I can talk about it being OK to pay for men to get a hard on via Viagra, but balking at a woman’s right to affordable birth control (which we got via the ACA but that may be leaving us soon). I could talk about the wage gap, because we all know that the trend is for women to make less than men in the same position. That’s really not a myth. But this isn’t my concern today. I can’t fix either of those things. But there is one gender gap that I can fix, if people would just listen to me.
Here is the terrifying thing that we need to fix right now: “All groups of men — gay, bisexual, heterosexual — orgasm more than all groups of women…”1 Come again? EXACTLY. How the fuck do we fix this? The answers lie not only in the data collected, but in some basic truths. Let’s start with the obvious and go from there, shall we?
1. It is less likely that a woman will have an orgasm from penetration than from clitoral stimulation or the two combined. This is nothing new. In order to have a vaginal orgasm, several things need to happen. The biggest is the guy needs to find that magical spot way up in there and be sure he’s hitting it. The hard part (no, it isn’t your dick, guys) is that it’s not in the same spot in every woman. So just because Bobbie-Jean from high school could cum every time you stuck it in her, Betty from accounting might not. Her sweet spot may be to the left, where BJ’s was to the right. It may be deeper. It may be farther forward.
This is physiology, not rocket science. Get down there with your fingers and find out where it is. Take the time. Ask the questions. Come to the realization that your junk may not be physically capable of hitting it. This isn’t the end of the world and doesn’t mean that CPAs don’t get to have orgasms. Try different positions: woman on top, doggy style, missionary, reverse cowgirl. Throw her legs over your shoulders and see if that helps. Know where her G-Spot is and use your basic knowledge of geometry to figure out what you can do, if anything to reach it. And most of you thought you’d never use that information again once you were done with school.
And if it is physically impossible for your shit to line up with hers, don’t forget that she can also have a clitoral orgasm, while you’re all up in here, but one of you has to give it some attention.
Now, I’m not solely blaming the guys, because that’s not right or fair. This brings me to my next point.
2. Ladies need to stop faking it. If someone cooks you a meal and there are mushrooms in it and you get physically ill at the thought of fungus in your mouth, are you going to tell them it’s the greatest meal ever? If you do, they’re just going to make it for you over and over again. They’re going to figure that you LOVE mushrooms, so everything they cook you might have mushrooms in it from that point forward. And this is your fault, because you gave the chef the impression that you loved every last bit of it.
Now, if you’re me, what you’d do is pick out the mushrooms, push them to the side, and explain that there’s no way you’re putting that shit in your mouth. You can still really appreciate the fact that they cooked for you at all, but you need to make it clear that you don’t like mushrooms. How difficult is that?
It’s the same exact thing when you’re getting laid, felt up, licked, whatever. If you make all of the noises and wiggle around and otherwise indicate that it was a job well done, your partner is going to get the impression that everything was done perfectly and it’s just going to be the same thing over and over again. You’re never going to be satisfied fully, yet your partner is going to be walking around thinking they are the greatest thing since sliced bread – or that big cucumber you bought last week for 79 cents.
If you think that women don’t really fake orgasms and your evidence is that they’re making a lot of noise when you’re poking around in there, allow me to destroy that myth for you.
“66% said that they moaned to speed up their partner’s climax, and 87% stated that they vocalized during sex to boost his self-esteem.”2 Granted, this was an extremely small study, but think about that. The majority of women are not moaning and vocalizing during sex because they’re fully taken in by the moment. THIS IS A SHAME.
If you women who are doing this would just stop doing it, your partners are going to learn. YOU have to teach them what works for you. So please, stop faking it. And if you’re trying to speed up your partner’s climax, know that I think this is only acceptable if you hear the kids (or your boss) coming down the hall. If you’re not enjoying it, you shouldn’t be doing it.
I don’t give a participation medal to someone who simply touches my vagina. I don’t make noise to speed things up or to make him feel better. If I’m making those sounds, something right is being done and I guarantee you he can feel it, so he knows it’s real. This is why I have way better sex than most people I talk to.
3. Men need to learn what it is they’re doing, apparently. Now, I’m not knocking men. There are those who have it figured out, but if you’re wondering what would make me say something like that, “Lesbian women orgasm more often than heterosexual women but less often than men…”1 Women know what women like and they’re more likely to do those things to their partner. I mean, who knows a clitoris and vagina better than a woman? So if you’re a man in a heterosexual relationship with a woman, you’d better figure out what all of her parts do, where they’re located, and what you can do to be certain you’ve got the bases covered. That’s all I’m going to say about this, because I think it goes hand in hand with numbers 1 & 2.
4. Women need to be FAR more comfortable with their own bodies. They also need to be talking about sex a whole lot more. Ladies, if you don’t know what you like, how can you ever tell someone else what you like? If you’ve never poked around in your own vagina, you’re really just going to be entrusting your sexual happiness to your partner. Who likely learned what he/she is doing from their previous partners. Who may or may not be built like you or like the same things you do (Please see #1 and #2. ) SIGH This frustrates me because I still know a LOT of women who have never used a vibrator of any kind. Don’t like the penetration? There are clitoral stimulators. Afraid of the 10” real feel shaft? They make bullets and smaller vibes. Don’t want it to vibrate? Buy a straight up dildo. There are options for every single preference out there. And if you want suggestions, ask around. Don’t know who to ask? Ask me.
Find out what you like on your own before you expect your partner to figure it out. It’ll save you a lot of time and effort, and you’ll be having all of the Os in no time. Plus, if you invest in solo sex toys now, and still fake those orgasms, at least you’ll be able to satisfy yourself while he/she is in the shower, falsely believing they’ve got the market corner on fulfilling you sexually.
The more you talk openly about sex, the easier it will be to tell your partner exactly what you want. This is going to lead to more delicious orgasms. I mean, let’s be honest – it is generally a whole lot easier for a guy to blow his load. Women have to work at it a little bit more, but it shouldn’t be difficult.
I’m not shy and I’m not ashamed to say I masturbate on the regular. I’ve tried almost every kind of toy there is for solo sex and I keep my favorites right under my bed. I don’t pretend to have orgasms. Ever. I ask for what I want and if he’s not doing it right, I’m not afraid to stop him and make suggestions.
It’s time to level the playing field, ladies. You can do this.