Posted in Life, Sex

When do we want it? NOW How do we want it? IT DEPENDS


1) You don’t get to have an opinion on what other people like unless you’re the one expected to please them. 

2) There’s some language in here.  Naughty language.  It may disgust you.  It may turn you on.  Just smile and nod.


I wanted to do a quick comparative survey about what women like and don’t like in the bedroom.  I asked for five women to share their thoughts candidly.  I knew with the people I know, this wouldn’t be a problem.  

I was going to try to draw some conclusions, but then I realized something.  Sometimes it’s best to allow words to stand on their own.  Plus, the people I asked have really big mouths and like to talk.  A lot.   So I thought I’d share the questions and many of the actual answers, then punch you in the face with an observation or two. Bottom line is that these women can speak for themselves, and I’m thrilled that they did.  

What is your current fave sex position and has it always been that or has it changed with different partners?

Missionary (5)
Take her from behind (3)
She’s on top (2)
Side Sex (2)

“Missionary, with him on top. I’ve only had two partners, and I’ve been with hubby almost 20 years, but…I’m a creature of habit.”

“Missionary, because I’m lazy.  Or I like to be comfortable.  Or both.”

“Love missionary with my current boyfriend because we have really intense eye contact and junk.  However, for raw pleasure – doggie.”

 “My favorite with him is missionary, kind of.  I like looking at him, feeling him on top of me while he’s deep inside.  I mean, doggy is awesome, too. So maybe that’s my favorite.  I know before him, I’d go with face down, ass up. So this is definitely different.”

“It’s a toss-up, but though it sounds “vanilla”, the favorite has to be missionary. Why? I can reach (almost) ALL THE THINGS! And so can he (almost). Plus, there is the aural stimulation (“sounds” for those with slim vocabulary) and the fact that anatomy just makes it better with that approach.”

“Me lying prone on belly, man entering from rear, lying on top (perfect aim on Gspot).”

 From behind…. Penetration is deeper, however I’m fond of being on top when I just want to get off because I can control the friction and penis angle better….It’s all about me.”

“Current fave position is doggy style. It hasn’t always been that way, just with this particular partner. He has a Prince Albert and yes, the rumors are true. It’s mind-altering.”

“Different partners definitely make all the difference. One of my favorite moments was crazy sex up against a wall, but that is completely unrealistic. Across the board I have to say I like being on top because I know I can reach orgasm quickly.”

“Being on top has always been my favorite.  I like being in control.”

“I’m not sure of the “name”, per se…on my side. He straddles bottom leg. Top leg up on his shoulder or the crook of his elbow. No change with partners… but, I’m down to try!”

“Me on my back, him lower than me on his side. Almost like a scissors. Didn’t know about this position until my husband.”


What do you think of things that inflict a little bit of pain, such as hair pulling, biting, spanking, choking, etc? 

The majority of women who responded like these things to some degree.  Make sure you have that conversation with her before you try anything.

Pain is pleasure and I, personally, enjoy him pushing me to the point where the two merge. Although, I do feel like there are different categories that these things fit into. Hair pulling, biting, and spanking are very possessive moves, and who doesn’t like their man to be possessive of them once in a while? Choking really fits somewhere else, though. Choking and blindfolding cut off certain senses. That heightens the others, making sex more pleasurable. for me, anyway.”

“I LOVE the endorphin release. As long as it’s done as part of sex and not true punishment or emotional abuse. I’ve enjoyed everything from spanks (not my fave, to flogging and the best is called ‘drumming’… using drumsticks on body parts rhythmically to music while bound.”

“No choking!!! A warm mouth nibbling on my very sensitive nipples is the quickest way to arouse me….The more vigorous the penetration, the more vigorous he can bite….Guarantee to cum! An ass slap or two ain’t bad too.

” I’m totally for it, within reason.  A little biting, spanking or hair pulling is very sexy, but when it gets to aggressive or overly painful, it’s distracting and no longer fun.  Never was into the choking thing.  Don’t get it.”

“I don’t mind a little hair pulling or an occasional ass smack but I’m really not into the pain part of sex. I think if it hurts you’re doing it wrong.

“I   like a little with my current guy but hated it before from emotionally abusive men. We have total trust and he’s so loving I know it’s just a game. Before I would have punched someone.”

“Yes and yes! I like being dominated although I am definite not a submissive…I like having that power taken from me forcibly. I love being spanked while bent over with my head wrenched back by my hair. Having the hand print last for a while is a hilarious joke in my house. I love having my hair pulled, being choked, and I’m a definite biter. One of my first sexual partners loved playing with wax and that introduction to pain has definitely stayed with me.”

 “Some pain is okay, but decades of abuse have had me drawing a line when it comes to overly rough hair-pulling (neck injury) and a hand on my neck makes me want to punch someone in the face – so that’s out. Self-preservation is a serious motivator even when you are certain you can trust the other person. Biting can be fun, but I’ve honestly never cared for hickies, so if teeth marks are left, I’d be one unhappy camper. As it is, I got rug burn on my nipples once. ONCE being the key word.”

 “Not really into too much pain. I don’t mind a little smack or pull here and there, but gentle smacks and pulls”

“All of it, within reason.  There needs to be an understanding and some verbalization of what I want in the moment.  I don’t want blood.  Marks are OK, to a degree and that’s really dependent upon the person I’m with. I don’t want to be in horrible pain, so he’s got to figure out where the pleasure from it stops and the uncomfortableness begins.  That’s my job to tell him.  But yeah, certain moments call for certain things and generally, I’ll ask for what I need in the moment.  Even if it’s a sweet saxophone solo. Choking is in a different genre all together for me.  There are only a couple of people I have ever truly enjoyed that with, and those people earned my trust long before I ever tried.  Now, I’m not about the whole cutting off my air supply, but go ahead and wrap your hand around my throat and maybe just squeeze a little.  I’ll lean into it if I want it harder.”

“I actually love the little bit of pain. We do the handcuffs and tying down and I love it!”

“I enjoy slightly “rough” sex. All of the above… firm but not over the top. Marks are ok… that go away after an hour or three… blood, is not… ( trying to keep a nipple on, with a bandaid, I drew the line)


What’s more important – length, girth, or skill?

Bottom line:  We don’t want an imprint of your dick on our cervix.  We just wanna be happy.

Skill (5)
Girth (3)
These ladies can’t follow directions (3)

“Skill for sure.”

“Skill, followed by girth. Length always has me concerned about a painful beating of my cervix. You know what’s not fun? Having your cervix pounded on.”

“Skill but gotta have a little girth. If I can’t feel it skill doesn’t matter.”

“Only one? Ok, I’m going with skill.”

 “That depends on whether we’re talking normal or extremes.  I’ve had experience with some pretty big ones, and size (length or girth) is no substitute for skill.  I’ll take average size with skill every time”

“I prefer girth, but skill really matters most in achieving an O.”

“I’ve had pretty large dicks.  I’ve had some small ones.  There’s such a thing as too big and there’s definitely too small.  I’d rather have girth over length.  I like feeling full.  I like knowing he’s in me and really feeling it. I can make shit happen if he doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing, so skill is not necessary for mind blowing sex, I don’t require it to get off.”

“Girth and skill run a close tie for me. If I had to absolutely choose one over the other, I’d choose girth. Seriously, if the skill isn’t there, all he really has to do is lie still and let me do the work. Length isn’t as important to me because I’m not fond of bruises on my cervix.”

This question is difficult. My last ex boyfriend lacked in a 3 areas, thank God with practice and instructions he became good in bed despite a small dick. However the last guy I slept with was so big that he constantly hit my cervix. If that’s never happened to you just a heads up that it is fucking painful. I was sore for three days after that romp session. Needless to say I’m not doing that again.”
“I’ve always said size matters!!!! Skill can be taught….If it don’t fit for a particular female sex won’t be enjoyable, size is then subjective….But really a needle dick doesn’t do anyone any good.”

“Yes to all. I’ve had “sex” with a few guys who essentially had a thumb for a dick…no amount of skill could salvage that. It was a mystery as to whether there was actual penetration. I am an avid practitioner of my kegels, so my vagina is high-school-tight, but sex with them was hopeless. On the flip side, I’ve had sex with guys who hung to their knees….that was freaking complicated. My two biggest both had amazing skills to go with their size….one is still my primary spank-bank go to. It took a ton of time to ease down onto him it was so freaking thick. It also hit my spleen which meant things had to move slowly…otherwise ouch! He also lasted for hours…Im not kidding. I could never have had a relationship with that man, but I could have fucked him constantly.

“Hmmm…that’s a tough one. Obviously all 3 are important. All 3 are ideal, you BETTER have one! But, I guess I’d say length. Then skill. Then girth. I think…”

Tell me one thing you wish your current partner wouldn’t do in bed anymore. If there isn’t anything, tell me one thing you’d like them to do differently.

This can’t be summarized.  Really.  Just read.  

Maybe he could be a little rougher at times.  Maybe talk dirty more.  It really depends on the moment.  There’s nothing he does that I’m not cool with. I would just like it turned up to 11.  Also, I swallow his cum, so he shouldn’t be afraid to lick my pussy when he’s done, just in case I’m not done.  I’m pretty good at vocalizing what it is I want, but I guess overall, I’d like him to just own me in bed.”

“I’m not with any one person at the moment so I’m going to generalize this answer. I wish men would understand the importance of foreplay. It isn’t a race to fuck. If you try before I’m ready it will probably be the last time I sleep with him. Also most men need to learn how to properly go down on a woman, I think this is where porn hurts men. They watch it and think that’s how it’s done…NO, just no! Despite me not caring much for my ex husband that man could eat pussy like a champ!! I miss him for that reason alone sometimes. “

 “Actually, this talk just came up between us the other week. I NEED aural signals, moaning, groaning, etc. For 20 years it’s been near-silence. So, I spoke up and said “Hey, we’ve talked about this before, but I really need this to happen.” Funny thing, when I asked for what I needed – he asked for what he needed (verbal or physical cues that sex was a great idea).”

“He likes me to spit in his mouth.  I’ve never asked why.  It’s kind of gross. “

” I don’t think there is anything that I wish he wouldn’t do anymore, but I do wish that he wouldn’t be quite so gentle when he’s giving me oral. The light licks are great sometimes, but other times a girl just needs her man to strap her to his face and sing the national anthem.”

“I never like being called derogatory names… like whore, etc.”

“We try to change it up a bit, no latex fettishes or hard core bondage….I do have a pair of handcuffs that I can’t wait to try on him….The whole control thing again. Hubby could caress my body more, I like to feel the gentleness of being intimate.”

“When he sometimes touches my butt he moves his hands real fast like a vibrator. It’s annoying.”

“We have been together for 15 years…we are officially boring. If anything it would be to dominate me sexually more often. When he does that it is glorious. Sometimes I really want and need to be treated like a dirty whore. The other item is probably never going to happen because I don’t see having multiple partners as an option. I miss having sex with women and multiple people, so I’ll just have to keep those in my masturbation fantasies.”

“Try to talk dirty because it’s forced and once I cum can you please cum already because I want to go to sleep.”

“There is nothing he wouldn’t do, we’ll unless I tried to poke him with a strap on, I imagine.”

“Get up and wash up IMMEDIATELY after. Makes me feel like I’m gross.”

In a perfect world, how often would you have sex?

1-2/week (2.5)

3-4/week (4)

5+ times/week (5.5)

“To be fair, both of us are very quite, very even-keeled individuals – 1-2 times a week would be enough.”

“I’m more of a 2x a week gal, but if it was up to my hubby it would be daily.”

 2-3 times a week 

3-4 x week.

3-4 times a week, maybe more.

At my age now, 3-4 times a week.

4 to 5 times per week.  Often, I guess, but every day isn’t really necessary.

At least once or twice a day. I hit 40 and discovered I’m in my prime…sadly I’m single so I don’t get it as often as I’d like!

In a perfect world, with this man, I’d have sex daily, at the very least. His cock is like a drug. Maybe he coats it with heroin. Either way, I’m hooked on it 

Once a day, at least. 

 EVERY DAY! At least once a day. 

In a perfect fantasy world…several times a day with several partners. Being a parent is a buzz kill on sexuality…limited privacy, the insane stress…sex and desire have been squashed significantly.


Do you have sex toys? If no, why not? If yes, do you use them alone, with your partner or a combination of both?

All of the yesses!!!  Guys, you really need to be playing with your partner.
I mean, a lot.  

“Yes and currently alone (tho enjoy both, especially double dildos)”

“I do have a few vibrators. More often than not I use them alone but on occasion I’ll use them with someone.”

“Yes. I usually only use them during sex with others. I will occasionally use them solo, but that tends to be when he’s is away for long periods of time and I need to feel the sensation of penetration. Clitoral orgasm are easy to reach solo and I don’t have to remember to wash and put a toy away before the kiddo walks in. I also like using toys with others because it brings back memories of sex with girlfriends and a few freaky nights with lots of partners.”

“YES YES and YES….I’m currently in the market for a new dildo, broke the motor in it, he he he….Enjoy using it as a couple, hubby likes to visualize penetration and my cum spraying, yes spaying out of my vagina…These are multiple orgasms and I’m zapped afterwards.”

“Vibrators.  Both.”

“One. Don’t use alone. Just not that into them. Rather have hands.”

” Yes, yes, and yes.”

“I  have an entire drawer of my dresser dedicated to sex toys. He and I use them together, and I use them alone when he’s not around. Sometimes, if I’m craving him and I know I can pull him away from whatever he’s doing instead of me, I’ll send him pictures or video of these solo sessions. #tipsonhowtokeephimleaking”

“Yes, mostly with self, but also with partner.”

“I have several dildos and vibrators I use them alone a lot.  I’ve used them with partners in the past, and actually enjoy them much more that way.  Something about a guy controlling a vibrator for me just does it for me. And if he blindfolds me so I don’t know what’s coming (besides me) then it’s even better.  I have a bunch of other toys as well, and those are definitely partner toys.”

“Yes, and both.”

“Yes. Combo.”  


Describe your perfect sex scenairo 

Read as real women tell you what they really want. 

“It depends on mood. sometimes I am seeking endorphins, so getting them faster is best. But other times, I crave intimacy, and then it’s best to have very loving foreplay until you just can’t handle not shoving that glorious cock inside and thrusting it until screaming commences.”

“Foreplay?  What’s that?  Just fuck me already.Kidding….I am a freak for kissing and love, love, love to make out for a bit (5 minutes?)  Perfect sex includes a mutual tongue bath and exploration with lips and tongues and hands.  If we’re in for the long haul, that can last 30 minutes with us playing with each other.  Mutual oral, salad tossing, it’s all fair game, depending on how much time we have.  One of us eventually climbs on top of the other, and we swap at least once before we finish.  Generally, foreplay is about 30 minutes, sex about 30.  But it is a fairly new relationship…”

“Chemistry, eye contact, lots of touching, bout 10-15 mins of foreplay, couple 2, 3 positions, lots of dirty talk.?

“Best sex? It’s a combination of two people naked intertwined, lingering kisses, gentle foreplay, no penetration yet….Build the heat,. Oral sex first (in the middle and at the end) I like to tease his penis and balls before taking his cock into my mouth and simultaneously stroking his balls…Me next, no 69 tho, not my favorite position, I love, love, love to be finger fucked….Cum all over hands…I’m getting hot typing about it…Mission style penetration, switch to all fours and take me hard from behind…In the end kiss my cunt and make me cum one more time. There was a time I would enjoy 2-3 hours of sex, but now I’m good after an hour with the occasional marathon.”

“I used to think I knew the answer to that question. I’d have said a workdays worth of teasing and flirting and building that sexual tension, then 15-20 mins of foreplay. 15-20 mins of sex, and then intimate conversation between the sheets until we both passed out. But that answer has changed for me with this man. Spontaneous, unplanned, and raw have become my preference. When he surprises me at my office after hours and bends me over my own desk. When we’re out and he pushes me behind the dumpster and pulls my panties to the side. When he calls in the middle of the night and tells me to meet him at the hotel up the street. There is so much passion in these moments that it makes sex with him otherworldly for me.”

“Kiss/make out for a bit… either carried to the bed or if it’s right here,right now, pushed back ( I like a man who takes control, in bed) gone down on to completion ( I don’t orgasm during just sex) then multiple positions. This all should last at least 45 min.  Or longer.”

“You know those memes that show a computer screen with 3 or 4 dozen tabs open in a browser that are all different and there is no topic alike? That’s my mind. My partner’s mind as a few tabs open, but they all go together and focus on a singular topic. We’ve been together for a couple decades now, and I’ve figured out a few tricks. One, you need to find a quiet moment to mention that IF they are up for sex later, you know…. you would be too. Two, with neither of us being great initiators, the one giving the heads-up tends to start the playful banter, touching, teasing that sets things off. As for how long everything should last? Who knows! I’ve honestly never kept track. We could both be done in minutes or there have been times where it’s been hours. Who needs the pressure of a stopwatch? Each time is different. And honestly, as a woman, I admit there are times I don’t climax, but, it happens. I don’t dwell on it because I still had a good time. But, my PERFECT session? In a shower.  It’s hot, it’s steamy, we’re both relaxed. It’s sensual with the soaping up….”

“Perfect sex session would definitely involve multiple partners. There is something completely freeing about that situation…it is all about the pleasure, both giving and receiving. It is so damn relaxing and the best of both worlds because sex with a woman is the ultimate kind of foreplay, but you’re still able to enjoy penetration. Utilitarian sex is no foreplay and one position….and that’s great for a lunch break, but there should always be time for lots of oral (giving and receiving).”

 “15 min foreplay, 8 minutes of sex, a couple different positions.”

“It should start out in public with just some light touching, maybe a kiss here and there, a little whisper of what’s to come.  Then I’d like to get home and have him lick my pussy until I cum a couple of times.  Then, I’m going down on him.  69 is a confusing position.  Then, we should have actual sex.  There’s no one right way, but I want it to last as long as possible, without either of us hurting ourselves.  30 – 45 minutes of varying rates, rhythms, and depths are just about perfect.  I want to be tired, but not too sore to do it again.”

“A perfect session would be me giving him a bj, him tying me up and giving me oral, then two different positions for sex.”

“Tough question!!! It really depends on my mood, I don’t think there should be time limits. I like being the main focus, it’s a turn on. I love having my him explore his body with his mouth, tongue, and hands. Good foreplay should get me to the point where I am begging to be fucked. He also needs to make sure I’ve gotten off at least once…you’d be surprised by how that seems to blow a man’s mind that yes I need to get off too!”

Now, tell me a rough % of the time that you actually get what you just described 

This one I have something to say.  I know which percentages match with the descriptions and no, they aren’t in order.  The thing is this:  I’m pretty sure many of these ladies misunderstood the question.  I’m willing to bet the lower % ones are more accurate, because I was asking how often you get that perfect scenario, not how often you have amazing sex.  I could be wrong.  I’m going to guess most of us are on the 0-5% of the time range for the perfect scenario

“I get fast endorphins all the time (90%) but the other is few and far between now… sigh.”

“Once every couple of months…. In-between, it’s pretty close probably 70% of the time.”


“I get it every time. 3-4x/week.”

“Oh, fuck… 5%?”

“Multiple partners…never. Great sex…regularly. John loves giving me oral and we rarely have sex where we don’t use 2-3 positions. That whole parenthood trap makes it difficult, but we muddle through.”

“As for a % on how much I actually get the above things, I’d say it’s about 75% of the time. The rest if the time is the standard, slow lovemaking that we all need in order to show our partner how we feel when words aren’t enough.”

“How often do I actually get that? A half dozen times a year, perhaps… but, with a too small water heater, the hot water runs out! We’re working on that, though! :P”

“Almost 100% of the time.” 

“If I’m being honest, it’s close to that only about 5% of the time.  Just because of time issues and the like.  Most people can’t have their ideal scenario every time.  Not even most times.  Doesn’t mean it’s not great sex.”

“I would say 90% of the time. I’m pretty vocal, if you’re doing it wrong I will let you know. Life is too short for bad sex or to have a lazy self centered man in bed.”

So you see, we’re all different.  I can’t make any generalizations.  I can’t even say the married people are all boring, because that’s not true at all.  The only generalization I can make is that you should really communicate with each other or you’re not having great sex, pretty much ever.  

I think we should ask the guys these same questions.  I’d like to see their answers.  Maybe that’ll be a project for next week and then we can compare.  




Mom - Check! Multiple Sclerosis awareness fanatic - Check! Total Dork - Check!

2 thoughts on “When do we want it? NOW How do we want it? IT DEPENDS

  1. I think the encouraging result here is that there’s no formula. No one should ever be made to feel they are doing it wrong. I love hearing that variety is the spice.

    1. There isn’t. With a larger sample, you might be able to see more trends and such, but not here. If you’re both into it, there’s no wrong way!

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