I used to write and talk about sex all of the time. If you knew me back then, you’d probably think I was this nymphomaniac who did wild and crazy things with no worries in the world about what other people would think. And if you ACTUALLY knew me, you’d know I wasn’t actually doing most of those things – I was just talking about them. There’s a big difference.
But something happened when I left my husband. I actually started doing those things I talked about and I stopped talking about them. I didn’t need to wonder out loud about them anymore. I just needed to experience them.
I think everyone needs to experience a lot of things. I live by the whole “try almost anything once, most things twice” motto. I don’t believe that with most things you can form an honest opinion about them after just one go round. I mean think about it. If it’s new and maybe a little bit (or a lot) kinky, you might be nervous. You might not be sure about it. You might not be sure about your partner. FULL STOP. You’re never going to have incredible sex if you aren’t sure about your partner.
There are a lot of things out there for people to try. You’re only limited by your imagination, your interest, and a willing partner (or appropriate sex toys). Sure, there are some things for me that are a hard no – these hard lines mostly involve animals, unwilling partners, cadavers, human waste, and baked beans. However most things? I’m probably willing to give it a go with the right person. And there’s the key to EVERYTHING – the right partner.
See, you don’t need to have had dozens of partners in order to have experienced amazing sex. Sure, everyone does things a little bit differently and there are going to be variable sex drives, sizes, skill sets, whatever. But it doesn’t mean that you have to have sex with a huge number of different people in order to experience everything you might be interested in.
Honestly, I haven’t slept with all that many people, compared to most people I know. I’m not about quantity, I’m more interested in quality. I’m also of the opinion that sex doesn’t have to get more boring the longer you’re with the same partner. If that’s happening to you, then you probably need to run out and buy a few things to spice up your life in the bedroom. Try a paddle, soft restraints, or nipple clamps. Go for a buttplug, feathers, a riding crop. Or dildos, vibrators, scented lube, fuckable foods…the list goes on and on. I’m getting away from the point I was trying to make, so I’ll back up.
I’m going to tell you right now, that the sex you’re having should be getting BETTER as you go through life with the same person. I mean, if you’re both paying attention, you’re learning everything there is to know about that person’s body. What really turns them on, what they like, what a certain sound means. Does that growl indicate pleasure or frustration? Should you be talking dirty to them? Should you tell a joke right before your partner has an orgasm? What about during? What does it mean when she holds her breath and bites her bottom lip? Is he close to orgasm or does he require more of everything first? Does he like it when you tease him with the tip of your tongue? Does she like it when you trail your fingers across her thighs? These are all things you should know. And if you don’t, you need to take the time and figure it all out.
And when you’ve got that down, then you can start branching out from your normal comfort zone. Get tied up. Get spanked. Get treated roughly. Get treated gently. Get blindfolded and let your partner touch you with whatever happens to be handy – sex toys, strawberries, lipstick, a lint roller. It doesn’t matter. EVERYTHING creates feelings and sensations and you should be using everything to your advantage – even that box of pop tarts.
Along with learning about each other’s bodies, hopefully you’ve also learned to trust the other person, right? If you haven’t, there’s a huge problem there. One you can’t have amazing sex without getting straight. If you don’t trust your partner, you’re not likely going to do much past standard sex and, if you’re like me, you’ll get bored. Really bored. Really quickly.
You should be talking and laughing. Learning about each other and teaching each other exactly what it is you like. You should be taking chances, because they might have ideas about what you might like. You should be open to it. You don’t know until you try it. Even if it’s a little bit uncomfortable, knowing that you didn’t like it with your partner is far better than living your life wondering if there’s more to sex than missionary position.
Sex. Should. Get. Better. The. Longer. You’re. Together. Sure, it’s helpful if what you start with is someone whose basic style matches your own, because then you’re already on the same page and likely having, at least, pretty good sex. But even if you don’t match up right out of the gate, you can still grow into mind-blowing sex. You just both have to be open to it.
Now picture this: you’ve both used your imaginations, fueled by images you’ve seen in porn, read about in trashy novels, or heard me talk about. You gave yourself to the other person completely. You’ve instilled in them a level of trust and given them your body as a playground in exchange for them giving you theirs. If it’s built on trust and respect for each other, learning, testing, and maybe pushing each other’s limits, it’s going to be amazing. When there’s the freedom to say “stop” and they stop; scream “harder” and they go harder; they know when “no” means no, but also when “don’t” means “more, please” because you’ve had that conversation and you’ve discussed how that’s going down – (and you should definitely have a safe word if you’re going to delve into the “do the opposite of what I say” game). THIS is when sex goes from really good to really great. This freedom to just be in the moment with each other, experiencing everything there is to experience in that time, without hang ups or judgment. THAT is what you should be aiming for. You don’t get that by having sex with a lot of different people. You get it by having sex with the same one (or more than one if that’s how you roll).
The point of all of this is that even you can have better sex. It’s supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to feel good. It’s supposed to make you want more. If it’s not, you’re doing it wrong. Spank that ass. Pull her hair. Drag your teeth across his shoulder. See what you can do with that popsicle. Buy a sex toy for her. Buy one for him. Use them together. Sit across a crowded room from each other and sext – get raunchy with it. Go to the bathroom. Take a photo of you touching yourself. Send it to your partner while he/she is at work. Be waiting for her wearing nothing but a smile, while holding a ping pong paddle. Put on his shirt. Wear her apron. Have foreplay while wearing oversized oven mitts so that you can’t use your hands. Keep your eyes closed tightly. Keep them wide open. Hold your breath. Pant. Scream. Moan. Talk dirty. Talk even dirtier.
Experience every scent, every sound, every visual image, every touch. If you can think it, talk about it. If you’re both willing, try it. Be silly. Be serious. Do it when you’re angry, when you’re hurting, when you’re sad, when you’re giddy, when you’re sober, when you’re drunk. Do it because you want to, then do it because you have to. And then, do it all again, but do it better. Don’t forget the lube, if you need it.