Posted in Life, My Family

A walk in the park

“Sometimes Josh, girls are just mean.”  I wiped his tears away and said, “So, let’s go have a Mommy/Josh day of fun!”   And with that, we ran off to the park.

After an hour at the local playground and lunch at McDonald’s, we decided to go check out the big pond/small lake at the park downtown.  We stopped home to grab the camera and some drinks and hit the road.  It took a little while, but we made it to the park and Josh said, “Wait, Mom.  I need a moment to myself.”  He took it…

and we were off!

First stop – Byrd Park!

A word about the geese.  We were walking along the side of the pond and there was so much fecal matter there.  It looked as if it belonged to small dogs, chihuahuas, dachshunds, toy poodles, etc.  It wasn’t until I read the sign about the Canadian Geese that I realized that goose shit looks exactly like little dog shit.  This is a problem.  Families picnic here.  People come here with their younger kids to fish.  It’s  very open for picnics and kite flying, you could probably get in a game of jarts too.

The Canadian geese have more or less taken over.  Damn Canadians are moving in!  Perhaps they discovered that our bacon is WAY better than Canadian bacon (here in the states, we call Canadian bacon “ham”.  *snicker*)  There goes the neighborhood!  Apparently, the park is using border collies to help “control” the Canadian goose population.  The sign assured me that the geese aren’t hurt.  They are just encouraging people to not feed them and the collies chase them.  The hope is that a majority of the geese will migrate elsewhere.  I did not see any border collies, or I’d have taken pictures of them, as they are on my favorite breed of dog list.

My point?  Dear Canada:  Please call your geese home for dinner.  They’re wrecking my park.  Thanks.  Love, Kim

Back to our day at the park.

Josh’s favorite ducks.  They just kept mooning us.  I have a video about a minute long of the ducks coming up for air, and then going back down.

Josh found that if he ACTED like he had bread and held out his hand, the geese followed him around.  <Insert your joke about Canadians here.  I happen to like some Canadians, so I will refrain…>

Josh decided he was Superman and thought if he walked along something and then jumped, that maybe he could fly.  His first attempt was a bust, but he said that’s because he wasn’t high enough.

So he climbed a little higher, with the help of Mom.  I assured him Martha Kent wouldn’t have been all, “Sure Clark, let me help you.”  She would have been all, “Clark Kent!   Yesterday, you picked up a car, and today you’re asking me to help you get on a retaining wall…”

Flying was not in the cards today.  Sorry, SuperMan.

There was a beautiful old holly tree there.  I could stand under it and look up, so I did.

Josh could fit under it too.  NO, HE IS  NOT PEEING.

Did you ever take a picture of a kid doing something and it looked so neat in your mind at the time?  And then, you get home and SEE the picture and you wonder what it was you were trying to get a picture of?  Yeah, that’s that one.  I don’t remember what he was doing, but I assure you, urine was NOT involved.

Next, we ventured to the Maymont Nature Center where we saw fish and turtles, eels and river otters.  We learned about earth and river health and all kinds of things that I really had no interest in.  I am not a fan of earth science.  Sad, but true.  🙂

Happy Spring!

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Posted in Humor, Life, My Family

Making illness fun for 30+ years

My mom is 63 years old.  She has never taken very good care of herself and up until a year ago, she was a heavy smoker.  Last year, she got pneumonia and was diagnosed with COPD.  After she was discharged from the hospital, she never picked up another cigarette.  I am so proud of her.

On Tuesday, she went to Urgent Care – pneumonia again.  Of course, they admitted her to the hospital.  I called to talk to her last night.    She let me know that she’s feeling much better and will be able to go home on Friday.   She also wanted to know that when my aunt was with her at Urgent Care, they thought of me.

You should know that one of my most favorite movies is Airplane!  If you’ve never seen it, this won’t make sense.  Just skip this paragraph and go on to the next.  That’s where the sexual stuff is anyhow.   So, Mom has the oxygen flowing and my aunt reaches over to get something and on the way back, knocks the oxygen tube out of place.  As if on cue, she starts to sing, “There’s only one river!”  I immediately got a mental image of my mother…

My sister was up visiting my Mom when I called and the nurse came in to do blood pressure and such, so I had a few moments to talk to my sister.  We chatted about Mom and then my sister said in a very hush-hush voice, “Let me tell you, Mom’s student nurse is a dude, and he is some serious eye candy.”

I asked, “Is he still in there?”

“Yeah, he’s taking her temperature right now,” she responded.

“Rectally?” I asked.

Lisa started laughing and said, “No.  In her mouth.”

At this point I can hear Student Nurse Hottie-Pants laughing, saying, “I assure you it’s orally.”

“Good”, I said.  “Is he using a real thermometer?”  More laughter from my sister.  “OH MY GOD!  IT’S NOT!”  I yelled into the phone.  “GET THAT THING OUT OF HER MOUTH!  THAT’S MY MOM!” I screamed with horror.

Lisa was laughing so hard that she couldn’t talk.  “OH!” I exclaimed with excitement.  “Ask him if he’s ever been in a Turkish prison!”

My mom got back on the phone and made me tell her what I was saying.  So I did.  That got HER laughing and coughing and hacking.  I am anxiously awaiting my inheritance of $5.98, so I figured I’d go in for the kill.  “Whatever you do Mom, just remember that they don’t take your temperature vaginally either.   Also, be sure if they say they want to put the thermometer in your mouth, make sure it’s small and skinny and connected to something.”

Not to be out-done by her punk daughter, A.K.A. “me”, my mother finishes for me, “But not connected to a man, right?”

“Yeah,” I said laughing.  I wanted to be sure she was understanding what the doctors were telling her.  “Do you have a black doctor?  Because I speak jive.”

We laughed a little more and it was time to say good-bye.  “Mom, if you need me when you get home, I’ll find a way to get home and help you out for a little while.”

“Surely, you’re not serious.  You don’t think I can take care of myself?  They won’t let me go until I can breathe well you know.  I’ll be fine.”

I simply replied, “I am serious – and don’t call me Shirley.”

Posted in Humor, My Family

A budding artist?

My child came home from school yesterday, beaming and it wasn’t because he was announced as the highest fundraiser in his school for the Jump Rope for Heart.

“Mom!  Guess what?”

“Um, you found a dinosaur egg?” 

Josh giggled.  “No…”

“Uh, there was a family of baby otters in your lunchbox this morning?”

“No!  Guess what we got to play with today?”

“Operation.  Kerplunk.  Checkers.  What’s in Ned’s Head…”

By now, he’s getting irritated and reaches into his bag.  “I drew a picture of it!”

He handed me this…

 

At first, I was shocked.  Why did my kid draw a wiener?  Why are the balls so big?  How does he know there is hair there when you get older?  Why do they have organized “play with your weenie” time in kindergarten?  Is that what they do during rest time now?

I was about to ask him questions and then I actually read what the paper said…

 

 

 

Posted in Humor, Life, My Family

What goes through your pants without making a hole?

I am not a “Southern Lady”. 

  • I do not make enough food at every meal to feed an extra couple of people, “just in case”.
  • I tend to shy away from the phrase, “Bless his heart.”
  • I turn electronic things on and I turn them off.  I do not “cut them off”.  The electric company does that if I don’t pay my bill.
  • I don’t play helpless if I think it’ll get me something extra.
  • I curse loudly.
  • I burp like a trucker.
  • I think farts are funny.

My mom was one of 11 children, 7 of which were brothers.  They lived in farm country.  It’s no surprise that my mom (and all of my aunts) are very much tomboys.  It’s no surprise that I am as well, having been raised by one.   How my sister turned out to be somewhat girlie is beyond me.  However, she still doesn’t wear a dress very often.  Part of that tomboy lifestyle is ingrained in her as well.

My mom leans a little in her chair when she has to fart, to let it out, excuses herself and goes back to doing whatever she was doing.  Even if it’s in the middle of dinner.   When you grow up one of eleven, if you get up from the table for anything, you had no food left on your plate when you returned.

My dad is a, “Did you hear that barking spider?  Listen close, his brother is coming!” kind of guy.  He also never tires of games such as “pull my finger”.  Even as an adult, I’ll oblige him, as it is just one of those things I never really got to do with him as a kid.  Plus, it makes him smile.

My husband is the opposite.  He has an ideal of how a lady behaves.  She shouldn’t belch louder than her husband.  She shouldn’t talk about farts.  She shouldn’t fart.  Men shouldn’t fart in front of a   lady.  He cuts on lights, and cuts them off too.  He’s more of a Southern Lady than I am.  Again, that comes from his upbringing.

His mother is an extremely kind and generous woman, almost to a fault.  I wish she would learn to say, “no” to people more often.  She always has enough food to feed an army, and their friends should they bring them to supper.  When she curses during speech, it tends to be at a lower volume than the rest of the sentence.  I don’t know how she feels about burping and farting, but Jerry got his ideal about them from SOMEONE, and I don’t ever see her leaning in her chair during a meal.

I often wonder which way Josh will turn out.

Will he be more like his Daddy as he grows up, and be as gentlemanly as possible?  Will he open the doors for ladies?   Will he always remember to lift the seat?  Will he make an effort to actually pee in the toilet, not on it?   Will he leave empty cereal boxes in the cupboard?

Or will he turn out to be more crude, like his mom?

The other night in the tub, Josh called me in to investigate what, on his butt, hurt.  I couldn’t see anything, and he said, “in my crack. That’s where!”  Do I told him to bend over a little.  He did and I could see a pimple.

He stood up so fast that I could barely see if that’s all that was there and so I told him to bend a little again.  He did and then said, “I have to tell you something.”

“Yes?” I said as I was looking to be sure it was just a little pimple.

It was then that the fruit of my loins farted in my face.  Then, he laughed.   My response?  “Nice one, son.  A little more warning next time, please.  What do you say?”

He pauses for a moment, as if he doesn’t know that while I think farts are funny, I think they do require tact, dignity and, above all, manners.  He looks at me with a twinkle in his eye and says, “THAT was FUNNY!”

“Josh!”

He let out a deep sigh, as if I had just defeated him in a heated game of ‘Go Fish!’ that he thought he was going to win.   “Excuse me for farting in your face.”  And then, he giggled some more.


Yup, he’ll be like me.

Posted in My Family

That’s My Boy!

Some of the funniest shit that comes out of my kid’s mouth happens in the tub.

Last night, I was on the phone with my mom while he was in there and I could hear him having a “conversation”. OK, it was mostly his toys having the conversation, he was just giving them voice. Anyhow, here’s how part of the conversation went:

“Well mine is better than yours!”

“That’s because you are a doodie head!”

“Oh yeah? Well you eat poop and drink pee!”

“Shut up you stupid head!”

“You shut up!”

“No, you shut up, you stupid poo-eating doodie shut up head!”

On and on it went until I got off of the phone and went in there.

He pointed at something floating in the tub.

“Mom, what’s that?”

I picked it up and looked at it.

“Josh, did you pick this off of the side of the tub?”

“Yes, what is it?”

“It’s a piece of caulk. Don’t pick at that anymore.”

He looked down into the water, a sad look on his face. When he looked up again, he looked confused. Obviously, the answer he was looking for was not in the tub waters.

“Mom? What does a cock do?”

I had to hide my laughter. It was my turn to stare into the tub water, trying to compose myself before I answered.

“Mom! I asked what does a cock do?”

My answer?

“Not much honey. It fills up cracks.”

And that’s the honest truth.

I did correct his pronunciation. I don’t need him to go tell his classmates and teacher that cock fills cracks.

XOXO