Posted in Life, Sex

Master what? Oh…MasTUR

I wanted to do a real comparative study about the differences between men and women, and so I thought of the one thing that makes me happy on a daily basis and how to apply it to seeing what your habits were.  I asked people all about masturbation in an anonymous survey, and now I’m going to present to you the results of that survey.  It’ll be mainly percentages and maybe a few comments. Plus, some people shared the most incredible masturbation stories and you know I’ll share those.

I had also asked for everyone’s favorite euphemisms for masturbating and will attempt to use them all interchangeably here.  It will be fun.  I mean, at least for me.  Let’s start with a basic stat here:  1/3 of the respondents were men who told me about their jacking off habits, which left 2/3 of respondents as women who flick the bean.

  1. On average, how often do you masturbate?
  • 60% of the women paddle the pink canoe 1 – 2 times per week. By contrast, only 17% of men choke the chicken at this frequency.
  • 20% of women said they rub one out 3 – 4 times per week. No men claimed this as their frequency for thinking of your mom.
  • 33% of men and 20% of women said they play with themselves 5 – 6 times per week.
  • If you’re good at math, this means that you know that no women claimed to diddle the skittle more than 5 – 6 times per week. However, 50% of men claimed that they have a romantic evening with Rosie every day.
  • No one said more than once per day. This makes me sad.

2. What do you usually masturbate to?

  • When looking at what men are doing while firing off some knuckle children, 50% are watching porn, 33% are going off of memory or imagination, and 17% are sexting.
  • Women, on the other hand, polish the pearl mostly while relying on memory or imagination (58%). The rest of them are either porn watchers (25%) or sexters (17%)

3. When asked about other things they might use as inspiration the numbers are a bit different. Keep in mind they could check more than one answer. I mean, it’s not like we expect only one activity while we’re multitasking.

  • Men buff the bone using a couple of other things to bolster their session:  50% memory/imagination, 33% porn, 50% sexting.
  • Women branched out a bit more, 45% using memory/imagination, 18% a book or magazine, 45% porn, 9% sexting.  My favorite stat though?  36.36% of women said sometimes they finger themselves with no inspiration at all.  Nothing.  They just lay there and touch themselves.  I like this thought.

4. Have you ever masturbated while someone watched?
Of all the questions I asked, this one surprised me the most.

  • 67% of men said yes, they’ve polished the pistol for an audience of at least 1 and 33% said no.  Let that sink in for a minute while I tell you that
  • 92% of women have rubbed one out while someone watched, and 8% never have.

Now, of those people who have had someone watch them engage in self-awareness:

  • 50% of men said it was mutual masturbation.
  • 75% of women said it was mutual.

While we’re talking about watching each other express ourselves:

  • 100% of men enjoy watching their partner pleasure herself.
  • 83% of women enjoy watching, with the remaining 17% either not being down to watch or not knowing how they felt about it.

5. Let’s talk about the use of toys and whatnot to get off.  Because you know that’s my favorite thing to discuss. 

  • 17% of men use a vibrator.
  • 17% use butt plug.
  • 17% use masturbation sleeves.
  • 83% use just their hands.
  • One kind soul also offered a recommendation for you:  “Vulcan Love Skin: Ripe/Mouth + Vibe Stroker Get it guys. It’ll be your favorite bedside accessory.”

When the women get involved, this is not surprising at all.

  • 50% use dildos.
  • 92% use a vibrator.
  • 8% use a butt plug.
  • 17% use just their hands.
  • No one offered up a suggestion for a great toy, so I will.  My long-time favorite is The Eroscilator.  Spend the extra money, get the complete set with ALL of the attachments.  Don’t limit yourself.

Note:  The men’s math adds up, the ladies’ doesn’t.  I’m thinking when the ladies were checking more than one thing off, they saw hands.  If we’re going look at the actual % of women who use nothing but her hands when visiting the Y, it’s going to be 8%. 

So that’s how we stack up.  I asked people to tell me their most embarrassing masturbation story.  Some people claimed to not have one, and that’s possible. If any of these are you, I’m glad you got back on the plane to Pleasure Island.  You have my gratitude for sharing your story.

“There’s nothing pretty about a guy masturbating. Being busted is always embarrassing.”

“There was this pie…”

“Most embarrassing was my first time. I was in the 12-13 age range. It was a Friday night, late, which meant I had set up shop in my sister’s room, watching Cinemax. She had the cable, I had the computer, a decision I was adamant about and quickly regretted after this particular night. Anyway, she was at a friend’s house or something so I settled in to get my softcore porn on. I still remember the movie, “2069: A Sex Odyssey.” I’d had erections before but had never did anything with them. Well this particular night I decided to give this “choking the chicken” thing a try. I think I came in like 15 seconds and it was a literal explosion of jizz. And while it felt like the most amazing thing ever I instantly panicked. There was jizz all over me, all over my clothes but most alarming, all over my sister’s bed. Oh, I had also never seen cum before so white slime shooting out of my dick, coating what felt like the entire room was terrifying. I stripped everything I had on off, stripped the sheets and blanket from my sister’s bed, ran to my room, put on fresh clothes and then creeped downstairs to start a load of laundry, instantly alerting my mother. So she comes in, surprised that her son is doing laundry, and attempts to sort my “load.” All I could think was my mom is going to get whatever that was that flew out of my dick on her hands and I’m going to need to move out soon after that. I pretty much screamed “NO,” snatched everything from her and shoved it all in the washer where the water had started running and ushered her out of the laundry room. Thankfully it was late and she was half asleep. Because of that whole experience I jerked off onto paper towels laying across my belly pretty much all the way thru high school.”

“Not really embarrassing, but funny. The vibrator wouldn’t turn off. I had to remove the batteries. Actually that happened today because this survey made me go masturbate.”

 “My child walking in…instant mood killer.”

 “My son found my vibrator and brought it out when we had company over. I’ve learned that the nightstand isn’t a good place for such things!”

 “Not embarrassing, just never shared. Masturbated while nursing first born. Only once.”

 “I was 19 and living at home. I had a lock on my door so my 15-year old brother wouldn’t go in my room. He and a friend used a ladder to climb in the window to steal my weed. He found the vibrator I had bought at Spencer Gifts in the mall and laughed and laughed over it. I’m now in my late 40’s, he just told me this a few years ago.”

 “One of the first times I ever did, my boyfriend came home from work early, and I raced to pull up my pants and act like I was doing something productive. But pretty sure he knew. He looked at me with a weird look and asked, what are you doing???”

 “I was about 14 years old. I didn’t have a lock on my bedroom door, so hardly ever masturbated. I was really turned on by a video on tv. So, I was just about to cum really hard and my mom walked in my room to tell me it was way past time to get up”.




Mom - Check! Multiple Sclerosis awareness fanatic - Check! Total Dork - Check!

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