Posted in Humor, Life

Coffee Everywhere


I decided that I wouldn’t write on the weekends. I will do my little TV watching and writing for that entertainment website I told you about earlier. I’ll learn things and try things and keep notes so I can have a little bank of sorts. That way if I get really sick or something, I’ve got some things lined up to share.

I’ve really been missing my favorite bartenders from a little place I used to go to near my house. They’ve all left there and are scattered around here and there, so I made it my plan this weekend to find at least one of them, and go see a friendly face. I had to drive pretty far to see him, but seeing Matt for a bit made it worth my while. Next weekend, I’m going to go back up there because he’ll be working with another of my favorites, Brandon. They can serve me coffee, I’ll tip like I’m spending the day drinking beer, and it’ll be a winning situation. Maybe I’ll convince one or both to go have a beer after they’re done working.



It is said that coffee, as a drink for human consumption, began in Ethiopia. A goat herder, possibly named Kaldi, noticed his goats would not sleep at night after eating berries from certain trees. He told the abbot from the local monastery about the way the goats behaved. So, the abott got some of the “berries” (coffee beans, presumably) and made a drink with them. And do you know what happened? It kept him awake and energized on the evenings when he had to sit up and pray all night. So, there you have it. Coffee made religion less likely to put the monks to sleep. Yes, I went there.   Now go read about the history of my second favorite beverage, coffee!



Well, I tried a couple of things over the weekend, mostly things like going to the bar at Kroger on Saturday before grocery shopping. I didn’t get a seat, because it was packed full. Apparently, in my area the Kroger bar is the place to be on a Saturday afternoon. Instead, I shopped, went home and opened a beer that was in my fridge. Hellrazer IPA by DuClaw. It’s got an ABV of 7.5%, but it really didn’t taste like an IPA at all. I rated it like a 3.25 on Untappd, but it really wasn’t anything I’d go out of my way to find.


While I was shopping, I ran across something that combined two other things I like a lot – coffee and yogurt. Dannon makes a coffee flavored lowfat yogurt. This is not that “lite” yogurt, where they give you fake sugar and what not. This is your standard lowfat yogurt with all of the sugary goodness you’d come to expect. Sort of.


Here was my logic (and yes, I had to apply logic in order to be able to purchase just one container of this yogurt). I LOVE coffee, and I do mean I LOVE coffee. I put ½ and ½ in my coffee, but I’ll use regular old 2% milk if I’m out. This is made with 1.5% milk, so it’ll be similar to coffee, right? WRONG.

I cannot begin to tell you my disappointment when I first opened this container. Now I’m used to stirring my yogurt, but the top of this container seemed to be mostly water. I figured it made sense – coffee is made with water. So, I checked the expiration date (March 25, 2016), stirred it well and then…I smelled it.

If there’s one thing I learned from Stephen at beer school, it’s that if you’re going to taste something, you should smell it first.  Much of your sense of taste comes from the associated scent.  As an aside, you probably want to do this with EVERYTHING you’re going to put in your mouth for the first time. Just saying. Anyhow. It smells like… plain yogurt. Huh. So I taste it, expecting the vibrant taste of well-creamed coffee to fill my mouth.


Now, I have to tell you this before I go on. I have had a lot of things in my mouth, most of which I sort of knew what I was getting before hand. I knew what the texture would be and, for the most part, the taste. Sure, there are some variations depending on fruit, salt and alcohol content, but the basic texture and feel in your mouth is the same, regardless. Back to the yogurt.

I put the first spoonful in my mouth and realize that this coffee flavored yogurt tastes just like plain yogurt, with a special something at the end. My tongue was disappointed. But wait! There’s this aftertaste! Is it? Could it be the coffee flavor I was looking for? Why does my mouth feel dry? Why don’t I taste coffee?   Fucking hell, this may very well be the worst thing I’ve ever had in my mouth, and I was married to a guy who rarely ate fruit. That’s how you know this is bad.

Not willing to give up completely, I decided the next best thing is to add something to it. You know how you can add flavored lube to a dick and have it taste like strawberries and rainbow kisses? I added some actual coffee to this bitch. And…

I didn’t think it was possible to make this worse, but I did it. It’s like if a guy was wearing a condom then took it off and you put your mouth on that man sausage, you’re still going to taste that latex, even if it was “luscious berry flavored”. True story.   I’m going to add more coffee and…

Holy shit balls, this is like soup. A disgusting, baby-poop colored soup that tastes like every disappointment you’ve ever had in your life mixed with the goodness of milk, sugar, and something that may have once resembled coffee, molded and pressed into a dry-tasting pile of shit in a cup and stamped with the misleading label of “COFFEE”. It is the fruit roll-up of the strawberry world, but the generic version that is sitting on a shelf for a couple of years.  You don’t want that inside of you.  Just like a few of the guys I’ve “dated”.  I use “dated” here the way Dannon used “Coffee” on this label.  It’s not really accurate, but it’s what people want to hear.

I thought maybe if I sucked it through a straw it would help, but that really didn’t work and now I’ve got this mouthful of really soupy, dry tasting bullshit yogurt in my mouth and I keep telling myself, “You just need to swallow it and it’ll all be over.” That’s how I got through the last half of my marriage and that’s how I got through that last attempt to make something out of this tub of crap.

Yeah, so that’s a no. I’ll keep my coffee straight up, thank you.  Tell me something “coffee flavored” that really IS coffee flavored and I’ll love you forever.  Maybe.  I mean, forever is a really long time and if I didn’t give birth to you, it’s really likely that I’ll just “love you long time.”



Mom - Check! Multiple Sclerosis awareness fanatic - Check! Total Dork - Check!

2 thoughts on “Coffee Everywhere

  1. Thanks for taking that bullet for us. It sounded like a bad idea to begin with. What if you added fruit to that? Any more edible?

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