Setting out on a year-long journey is never an easy task. You have all of these hopes & dreams along with a few fears. Will I be able to learn something new every day for a year? What if I don’t feel well? What if I can’t think of anything new to try? What if I get swallowed up by a sink hole and can’t write about my experiences? Who will know where to find me? Who will keep my sex toys from being discovered by my family when they come to clean out my apartment? Come on now, this is going to be fun!
This one was kind of difficult yesterday. Not because I don’t have a natural love of learning, or because I was disinterested in things around me. No, it was difficult because it was my birthday and I spent a lot of the day working, interacting with my friends on FaceBook and Twitter, having dinner with my son, helping with homework and getting things ready for the next day. So, when I climbed into the bathtub to enjoy a bubble bath on my big day, I grabbed my phone and actually thought, “what would I like to learn today?”
I couldn’t think of much until I started to shave my legs. Yes, single women who are not in any danger of having sex still shave their legs. It’s the other pieces they may neglect with a razor. So, I get through all of the shaving and as I’m washing my leg, I notice a spot that I missed. I pull it out of the water to clean up that one tiny place and I notice that suddenly, my entire leg is prickly again. SIGH All of that work, for what? And then it hits me. I now have to know: after shaving your legs, how on Earth does the hair start to grow back that quickly? In fact, every time I get a chill, I’m pretty sure that shit starts to grow immediately. It’s like one side of my brain has sent a message to my hair follicles that says, “This is it, ladies! A deep freeze is coming, so get your asses out there and protect that skin!” The other side is screaming, “Retreat! Retreat! She might get laid tonight! She needs that to be soft and smooth!”
When we get cold, we can get goosebumps, which are “caused by a contraction of miniature muscles that are attached to each hair. Each contracting muscle creates a shallow depression on the skin surface, which causes the surrounding area to protrude. The contraction also causes the hair to stand up whenever the body feels cold.” – from Scientific American (http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-humans-get-goosebu/) We inherited this phenomenon from our animal ancestors who needed it to help keep them warm with their built in fur coat AND to make themselves look bigger when threatened.
So, you’re in the warm water, which causes your skin to actually puff up a little bit, hiding the base of your hair follicle so you can’t possibly shave it off. Then you get out, that cool air hits you, BOOM – your skin goes back to normal, exposing that hair, goosebumps make it stand up and now you’ve got a 5 o’clock shadow on your legs, which is more like a 5 minute shadow, if we’re being honest. Let’s hope the date has had enough to drink or doesn’t mind that you can deftly scratch his back without using your hands or your teeth.
What I learned wasn’t really about goosebumps or hair growth or animals, but that the proper way to shave and maintain that smoothness for a little bit is a combination of cooler water and a matching air temperature until you can put on something to keep you warm. And I was always taught to soak in a hot bath before shaving to soften the hair follicle. Liars.
(Incidentally – if you go for the Google image search and type in “trying something new”, be sure that safe filter is on, otherwise you’re going to be looking at pictures of anal penetration with dicks, feet, arms, a slotted spoon and a rolling pin. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.)
I love cheesecake. I could eat it as a meal, every meal, and die a happy woman. But I know as I’m getting older and that old metabolism starts slowing a bit, that if I eat all of the cheesecake all of the time, I’m going to need to invest in a whole lot of new pants. It should be noted that I hate pants. But I digress.
I decided that I would go with the “all things in moderation” theory. I decided I would try to eat only half of the piece of the double chocolate cheesecake that I bought for myself. I knew if I cut the piece in half and put half directly in the freezer, I’d likely have a better chance at succeeding. Then I reminded myself that trying sometimes involves failing, and wasn’t the point of this trying business just to see if I could do it?
So, I put the cake on my plate, walked out to the living room and…I ate that entire piece of cheesecake in under 5 minutes because it was oh my god slap your grandmother amazing. It was then that I realized that even failure tastes like pure goodness at times and I wished I had another piece.
I should note here that I had also tried mustard on a hot dog yesterday and that didn’t go well either. I’m not a fan of mustard to begin with and I really love hot dogs so I tried to marry the two. It was worse than when I tried to date that one guy who said he was 5’11” and turned out to be about 5’3” (shorter than me) and spent the entire brunch talking about his ex-girlfriend who was hit and killed by a semi. “Her name was XXXX and you can look this up online if you don’t believe me. Did I mention that I used to be a raging alcoholic and probably shouldn’t be drinking these mimosas right now?” I kept looking for a way out of the date, much like I was looking for extra napkins to wipe the mustard off of my hot dog. Some things just don’t mix.
Today, I haven’t decided what to learn yet, but I know I’m going to try a new beer tonight. Not sure what they’ll have on tap up at the Kroger Bar, but I’ll pick something I’ve never had before. Onwards and upwards (Harder! Faster! THAT’S IT! RIGHT THERE! OHGODYESYESYESYEEEESSSSS!)