“We can rebuild him. We have the technology. We can make him better than he was. Better, stronger, faster.” – Oscar Goldman on The Six Million Dollar Man
Every year, millions of people make resolutions for the new year. Most people will give their best effort and will fail miserably. I’m no different. I’m going to quit smoking, start running, eat healthier, be a better mom. I’m sure whatever it is, I’ll give it my honest effort for a couple of weeks and then watch it all come crashing down. Because life choices are not something you can simply decide to do differently. They’re built on years of experience, bolstered by predictable outcomes and are ingrained in our psyches, forever steering us in a direction that we’re essentially destined to head.
This is not to say we cannot change, but I think when we point out particulars is when we get into trouble. Saying “I’m going to eat healthier” is an admirable goal, but one that is so easy to drop the first time someone offers you a bacon cheeseburger and your favorite IPA. I think a much better resolution would simply be to say, “this year, I’m going to make myself happier”. This way, I’m not roped into changing one thing about myself, but can find success by stringing together some wins in various aspects of life.
So I’ve thought about things that make me happy and I’m going to try to do several of those things every day. Some will be easy, like masturbating. I can certainly do that just about every day! Even on those days I’m pressed for time I can certainly spend 10 minutes at the end of the day pushing my own buttons in the proper order, at just the right pace. I’m far better at that than anyone else I know, so I’ll give myself that.
Seriously, I’m not even sure what I was going to say here anymore, mostly because I took a nap and did item #1 on my easy happy list, then came back and couldn’t think of what I meant to say. Yes, it was THAT good. So I read my fancy little block quote up there, and the only thing I could think of was what if I rewired my vibrator? Found a new motor that was, you guessed it, better, stronger, faster? Holy crap you guys, I think I’m on to something. What if I use the same motor that is used in an electric sander? Or a drill? I’ll try this doing new happy things tomorrow. Right now, I’m going to go buy a soldering iron and some other things from Lowes that may be used to, um, technologically improve my life.
Here’s to 2016!