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Life Begins When?

I thought I started my life over at 40.

I left my husband.

I went back to school.

I had sex with a few people.

I made my own rules.

I worked on raising my son the way I saw fit.

I made friends.

 

And then it began unraveling.
Nothing made sense.

I gave too many people too much of myself and got nothing in return.

I did nothing with my degree.

I realized not all of the sex was very fulfilling.

I stuck to my rules, even though they were slowly killing me and my sense of self-worth.

I felt like I was failing at raising my son.

I lost friends.

 

I realized I’d just spent almost 5 years making the same mistakes over again, with different people. And it really has been the same mistakes. Allowing other people to dictate when I get to be happy and under what circumstances.  What’s supposed to be a give and take is only that as long as the other person got to call all of the shots.  It’s tiring and a terrible place to be.  It’s been this way as long as I remember.  And I’m done with it.

I turn 45 in February. I want to start over.  REALLY over.  I want to finally live life on my terms, not on the terms of others.
I will have friendships of quality, the number of them will remain low so I can give everything I can to them. They will return my warmth and kindness on a regular basis, not just when they’re lonely. These will be people who value honesty over feel-good because often, the truth hurts. This are people who will make me feel like I matter and I’m valuable, every chance they get, and I’ll return that sentiment whole-heartedly.

I will have sex if/when I want. It will not be a bargaining tool.

I will never apologize for loving someone, or not loving them, as the case may be.

I will be more genuine.

I will be more responsible.

I will be a better mother, a better friend, a better person.

But this doesn’t mean I’ll revert back to doormat status I’ve somehow managed to allow for the past 25 years, or more. The choices I make will be mine. They will be based on what is going to make me happy. If that’s giving to someone in need, I’ll do that. If that’s being selfish and keeping everything to myself sometimes, I’ll do that. Because I’ll be 45 and starting over. I will not worry about anything in the past, knowing that it’s in the past for a reason. The past is full of mistakes and life lessons, dotted with happiness that’s been quickly overshadowed by the worst in others.  It’s a hard place and I no longer wish to be there.

 

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Author:

Mom - Check! Multiple Sclerosis awareness fanatic - Check! Total Dork - Check!

2 thoughts on “Life Begins When?

  1. Sounds like your at the crossroads of life .Your plan sounds good . I fell apart Nov 2010 .I went to a therapist for a year and half. no meds I refused I said lets get all the shit out and deal . I finally stopped saying sorry took back some of my life gave myself me time and dug thru the shit bin of life dealt with all the things I tucked away .I had a work place accident it finished my body off .The thing that kept me going I was going to be a Grandma .So I figured out how to live this new life accept the old Martha was gone and I should love the new one .The people that ran away at my lowest point were not worthy and I rid myself of the toxic ones including family that had sucked the life out of me and deal with my weight .I’m a food addict I always will be I know my triggers I also know not to eat when people piss me off or hurt me this is work in progress still but my weight loss is my victory .Have 74 off l have 85 to go .And my therapist made me write a list of all the things I could do with my grandchild even if my body is broke .It was a lot more then I thought .So I take one day at a time I live a quiet boring life my hubs stuck by me it was hard on him to but I’m surviving I’m grateful for what I have and can still do and I find happiness where I can .I haven’t made any new friends I like the quiet and drama free zone now .I enjoy my grandkids and family .I still have work to do old habits die hard but at 51 Im doing ok .Kim you will do ok the realization of everything is when you can finally turn it around and be a whole happy person .A spiritual healer I saw back a years ago told me stop hating and been so angry let it go or it will eat your soul and spirit like a cancer . I hope you will find true happiness its never to late to turn over a new leaf . I shared my story just to let you know your not alone and it can happen . Merry Christmas and a very positive Happy new Year .

  2. You above all people deserve happiness and joy in your life. There is no reason for you to settle for anything. Remember that I am always there for you as while as several mutual friends. I love you to pieces!

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