My mom is 63 years old. She has never taken very good care of herself and up until a year ago, she was a heavy smoker. Last year, she got pneumonia and was diagnosed with COPD. After she was discharged from the hospital, she never picked up another cigarette. I am so proud of her.
On Tuesday, she went to Urgent Care – pneumonia again. Of course, they admitted her to the hospital. I called to talk to her last night. She let me know that she’s feeling much better and will be able to go home on Friday. She also wanted to know that when my aunt was with her at Urgent Care, they thought of me.
You should know that one of my most favorite movies is Airplane! If you’ve never seen it, this won’t make sense. Just skip this paragraph and go on to the next. That’s where the sexual stuff is anyhow. So, Mom has the oxygen flowing and my aunt reaches over to get something and on the way back, knocks the oxygen tube out of place. As if on cue, she starts to sing, “There’s only one river!” I immediately got a mental image of my mother…
My sister was up visiting my Mom when I called and the nurse came in to do blood pressure and such, so I had a few moments to talk to my sister. We chatted about Mom and then my sister said in a very hush-hush voice, “Let me tell you, Mom’s student nurse is a dude, and he is some serious eye candy.”
I asked, “Is he still in there?”
“Yeah, he’s taking her temperature right now,” she responded.
“Rectally?” I asked.
Lisa started laughing and said, “No. In her mouth.”
At this point I can hear Student Nurse Hottie-Pants laughing, saying, “I assure you it’s orally.”
“Good”, I said. “Is he using a real thermometer?” More laughter from my sister. “OH MY GOD! IT’S NOT!” I yelled into the phone. “GET THAT THING OUT OF HER MOUTH! THAT’S MY MOM!” I screamed with horror.
Lisa was laughing so hard that she couldn’t talk. “OH!” I exclaimed with excitement. “Ask him if he’s ever been in a Turkish prison!”
My mom got back on the phone and made me tell her what I was saying. So I did. That got HER laughing and coughing and hacking. I am anxiously awaiting my inheritance of $5.98, so I figured I’d go in for the kill. “Whatever you do Mom, just remember that they don’t take your temperature vaginally either. Also, be sure if they say they want to put the thermometer in your mouth, make sure it’s small and skinny and connected to something.”
Not to be out-done by her punk daughter, A.K.A. “me”, my mother finishes for me, “But not connected to a man, right?”
“Yeah,” I said laughing. I wanted to be sure she was understanding what the doctors were telling her. “Do you have a black doctor? Because I speak jive.”
We laughed a little more and it was time to say good-bye. “Mom, if you need me when you get home, I’ll find a way to get home and help you out for a little while.”
“Surely, you’re not serious. You don’t think I can take care of myself? They won’t let me go until I can breathe well you know. I’ll be fine.”
I simply replied, “I am serious – and don’t call me Shirley.”