Posted in Humor, Life

It’s not what you got, it’s what you give

I am trying out this new way of living.  I’m basing it on karma and the universe; reap what you sow;  an eye for an eye, what goes around comes around; the love you take is equal to the love you make; what  you give is what you get.

I came up with this idea due to the fact that I was severely constipated for a few days.  I was in an incredible amount of pain.  I couldn’t eat.  I couldn’t rest.  And why?  Because I couldn’t poop.  Tired of waiting for “Mother Nature”, I figured I’d flip the old bitch the bird and go ahead and work this one out (no pun intended) on my own.

A Fiber One bar, a Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte, all kinds of drinks with artificial sweeteners, and a  couple of Ex-lax should do the trick.  It was then, when I was doubled over in pain, that I promised myself that should I be able to finally relieve myself, before I had to go to work the next day, that I would be a different person.

I suddenly felt the all too familiar bubbling and gurgling and spent much of the next 45 minutes taking care of business, dropping the kids at the pool, dropping a deuce.  Whatever you call it, I was doing it.  At one point, I was singing, trying to take my mind off of what was happening.  When Jerry heard me launch into “Ave Maria”, he knew my prayers had been answered.

I left that “session” a changed woman.  I feel a little guilty, as if I should have given my toilet a $35 co-pay.  Best damned therapist I’ve ever had, that’s for sure.

None of this is the point of my writing.  The point is for me to impart to YOU what people are saying about the “new me”.  I’ve been nicer.  I’ve been less snippy.  I’ve been more focused on other people.  I’ve been more willing to help.  I’ve been a ball of sunshine!

Here are quotes from my friends about what they’re seeing from me the past two days:

“Uh oh, what’s wrong with you?”

“Just trying something new!”

“Like drugs?”

Or this gem:

“Cut it out, Mary Poppins!”

Or how about:

“Blah.  I want the old, honest you back.”

Or this one:

“Are you sick again?  You don’t seem like yourself.”

Why is it than when someone wants to change, we often times fail to let them?  Is it because we are afraid that their change may require us to change as well?  Why can’t it just inspire us to change something negative about ourselves?    And why don’t more people keep laxatives in their medicine cabinets?



Mom - Check! Multiple Sclerosis awareness fanatic - Check! Total Dork - Check!

20 thoughts on “It’s not what you got, it’s what you give

  1. You know I go by “the Monkey”, right? 😉

    I’m glad you worked things out. I’m also glad you didn’t use a vacuum hose to do so. That could get ugly. Tell Ghandi Llama (*snort*) up there that I said he has to stop giving me gas.

    As for the serious part…fuck if I know! ❤ you, wench. Just as you are, were, will be, can be, etc. Love you, not versions of you.

  2. Well glad you worked things out. It
    could have been more exciting had
    you used the poopy fun time shape
    makers from your other blog 🙂

    1. Oh, trust me Sarah. Most of it wouldn’t have held any shape. It was horrible. Right out of a B-Horror Flick. Hazmat teams should have been called in.

      1. Lol I think we have all had those kinds before. I won’t even get into my post- operative constipation horror stories.

  3. There’s the Kim I miss! I love your stories. It’s like I am standing next to you in the bathroom (wearing a gas mask) and cheering you on. Come on, Kim. Push. Grunt. Plop!

  4. Heh. I’ll keep it clean. *take the pun and run with it* I’ve been on antibiotics for about 5 days now and it’s been causing all of that to come out liquid. Yea, I know the rumbling feeling of find it FAST. Well then, the other night we performed the one act you wouldn’t consider and he’s like, ‘damn, you’re clean. We didn’t even need a condom for that.’ Heh! You need better antibiotics. And possibly a sex therapist, my little buttercup full of joy.

    *runs away fast*

  5. Change is good immodium and gas x have been my friend lately ,my body doesnt like veggies and healthy stuff it likes meat and carbs lol.I do believe in karma. ihope you dont change your racy edge of blogging dirty minds are awesome.

    1. Oh Ms. Martha, no worries. I wouldn’t change my naughtiness factor, just my meanness factor. I would like to be softer, more understanding, and nastier than ever. Bring on the meat!

  6. THAT is priceless and I’m glad I ddin’t have to hear, see, smell, or otherwise experience it with or for you…and I’m also glad D has a shiny pooper but…ew…and so…adieu!

    THANKS for the laughing out loud experience today! I missed you too! Is’nt it amazing how when you get a really good poop like that how your optic and rectal nerves uncross so you no longer have a shitty outlook on life?!?!?!

  7. I think the rumbling must be going around or something. I think I want to buy a new throne…
    Anywho… As far as changing, I agree, maybe it’s because others around you don’t want to change. Or maybe they’re worried they won’t like the new you? Either way, nice or snippy, I love you. We all have our good days and bad. Lately mine have been a mix and it’s kind of a multiple personalities type of feeling. Did you see my straight hair picture? Might have to do something like that again to just feel like a different person….

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