Posted in Humor, Life, My Family

What goes through your pants without making a hole?

I am not a “Southern Lady”. 

  • I do not make enough food at every meal to feed an extra couple of people, “just in case”.
  • I tend to shy away from the phrase, “Bless his heart.”
  • I turn electronic things on and I turn them off.  I do not “cut them off”.  The electric company does that if I don’t pay my bill.
  • I don’t play helpless if I think it’ll get me something extra.
  • I curse loudly.
  • I burp like a trucker.
  • I think farts are funny.

My mom was one of 11 children, 7 of which were brothers.  They lived in farm country.  It’s no surprise that my mom (and all of my aunts) are very much tomboys.  It’s no surprise that I am as well, having been raised by one.   How my sister turned out to be somewhat girlie is beyond me.  However, she still doesn’t wear a dress very often.  Part of that tomboy lifestyle is ingrained in her as well.

My mom leans a little in her chair when she has to fart, to let it out, excuses herself and goes back to doing whatever she was doing.  Even if it’s in the middle of dinner.   When you grow up one of eleven, if you get up from the table for anything, you had no food left on your plate when you returned.

My dad is a, “Did you hear that barking spider?  Listen close, his brother is coming!” kind of guy.  He also never tires of games such as “pull my finger”.  Even as an adult, I’ll oblige him, as it is just one of those things I never really got to do with him as a kid.  Plus, it makes him smile.

My husband is the opposite.  He has an ideal of how a lady behaves.  She shouldn’t belch louder than her husband.  She shouldn’t talk about farts.  She shouldn’t fart.  Men shouldn’t fart in front of a   lady.  He cuts on lights, and cuts them off too.  He’s more of a Southern Lady than I am.  Again, that comes from his upbringing.

His mother is an extremely kind and generous woman, almost to a fault.  I wish she would learn to say, “no” to people more often.  She always has enough food to feed an army, and their friends should they bring them to supper.  When she curses during speech, it tends to be at a lower volume than the rest of the sentence.  I don’t know how she feels about burping and farting, but Jerry got his ideal about them from SOMEONE, and I don’t ever see her leaning in her chair during a meal.

I often wonder which way Josh will turn out.

Will he be more like his Daddy as he grows up, and be as gentlemanly as possible?  Will he open the doors for ladies?   Will he always remember to lift the seat?  Will he make an effort to actually pee in the toilet, not on it?   Will he leave empty cereal boxes in the cupboard?

Or will he turn out to be more crude, like his mom?

The other night in the tub, Josh called me in to investigate what, on his butt, hurt.  I couldn’t see anything, and he said, “in my crack. That’s where!”  Do I told him to bend over a little.  He did and I could see a pimple.

He stood up so fast that I could barely see if that’s all that was there and so I told him to bend a little again.  He did and then said, “I have to tell you something.”

“Yes?” I said as I was looking to be sure it was just a little pimple.

It was then that the fruit of my loins farted in my face.  Then, he laughed.   My response?  “Nice one, son.  A little more warning next time, please.  What do you say?”

He pauses for a moment, as if he doesn’t know that while I think farts are funny, I think they do require tact, dignity and, above all, manners.  He looks at me with a twinkle in his eye and says, “THAT was FUNNY!”

“Josh!”

He let out a deep sigh, as if I had just defeated him in a heated game of ‘Go Fish!’ that he thought he was going to win.   “Excuse me for farting in your face.”  And then, he giggled some more.


Yup, he’ll be like me.

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Author:

Mom - Check! Multiple Sclerosis awareness fanatic - Check! Total Dork - Check!

25 thoughts on “What goes through your pants without making a hole?

  1. Honestly, I love when a women belch or farts. Otherwise, she is uncomfortable and trying to hide it from you. That’s not healthy. You can’t keep these things bottled up.

  2. *poot*

    Being a classy Southern lady and all, I never fart, always have enough food for extra company (pronounced comp’ny), and we don’t curse in my household.

    Ha.

    1. I don’t even know where to start on this one. The only one I believe is the “enough food” and even thing, I’d have to question whether or not it’s actually edible. *giggles*

      XOXO

  3. With three boys we try to keep the farts to a minimum at the dinner table, not always successful. Gabby thinks they are hilarious but calls them “toots”, she is a little lady. Jade on the other hand can burp and fart better than most truck drivers. But all use their “manners” while giggling.

  4. Yay Josh! He’ll be farting and shoving his wife’s head under the blankets in no time! Teach him to eat cabbage! ;o)

    Dex burps the Alphabet with ease. He’s been working on farting it, but it’s more of a sign language than anything else…

  5. lmao i live in a very farty house my father said it was an english thing showing appreciation of food eaten , i think he just liked to fart and blame my little sisters.

  6. My son likes to announce that he farted even if no one heard it (or smelled it). He just looks at you and says, “That was my toot.”

  7. now, I was reared a Southern Lady…but not a Belle because I simply don’t have enough money. I think that farts are hilarious! I did have to learn how to belch out loud though. The drum section taught me how to when I was in Longhorn Band in College. They worked diligently for WEEKS before I finally let out one o those long and loud ones that rattle around in your chest cavity and they gave me a standing ovation. I had to run home and tell my mother, who was horrified, until one day…I taught her how to do it too, and it is SOOOOO liberating to belch out loud…anyway…

    I have other stories but for now, I will let you know that my daughter, who is only 12, can fart with the best of them and she thinks it’s funny. I call it “toot toot’ to her, but she says fart and then laughs out loud! She’s more like you too! LOL!

  8. My mom was like you; my dad was like Jerry. I turned out to be a nice mixture of the two…farts are always something that embarassed me. I don’t even like to use the word. “Passing gas” is more my style. Both my daughters turned out like their father – “low flying geese” is another term they use.

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