I’m sorry. I really thought I could turn my $5.99 box of generic “Non-Drowsy Nasal Decongestant Maximum Strength” into a whole lot of meth and throw an amazingly off the hook party.
However, it apparently takes more than 48 tablets to do this.
I know this, you see, because on my pharmacy receipt it says so.
So, apparently, I only need 3.65 grams to make meth for my next gathering. So, if I buy another box today and a box tomorrow, I can be totally ready for the weekend!
I remember one time when everyone in our house was sick. So I went to the store and bought one giant box of pseudoepedrine and a box of the children’s version. The cash register actually would not let her ring both up on the same purchase. I explained that there were 3 people who needed the regular meth and a small child who needed meth-lite. No such luck. I actually had to leave the store and go get it at another.
Now, they require you to hand over your driver’s license to get it.
This is all just becoming a huge inconvenience. Next thing you know, you won’t be able to buy cough drops without id. You think I’m kidding? You already can’t send them to school with your kids.
I’m such an entrepreneur, I think I’ll become a cough drop pusher. I’ll be camping out on the side of the High School where the “cool kids” go to smoke.
“Ludens or Halls? Pick your poison. Come on, man, I’ve got the good shit. You want menthol?”
“Ricola? Naw, I ain’t got that shit, yo. That’s candy fo’ da babies. You come back when you done sucklin’ on yo mama’s tittays.” With that little slam, the dude in line behind him will laugh and give me five.
“ Vicks? Lemme call da man.”
*dialing cell phone*
“Yo, Manny. Can we get some Vicks on the downlow? We gonna get a big run on ‘em. I got tree waitin’ now and a line behind dem. Thanks, G.”
“Yeah, I have dem after schoo, out back, near da track. I’ll be da one running inna pink shorts. Shit! Gotta jet!”
As I run away, I’ll be yelling “Five-O! Five-O!!”
They’d give me some nickname like the “Cough Drop Kim” until I tell them that’s just retarded. They’ll change it to “Koff-Dropp Kidd” and I’ll be happy with that, because wrong spellings and double letters are all the rage in gangsta land. It means you have arrived.
Peace to your homies. Word to your mother.
K-D K out!